Thursday, July 08, 2004

Like Pit Bulls for White People?


Babemagnet of 2004? Posted by Hello

Our onward march toward the apocalypse continues, as DC Metro residents, having previously spurned the slimy snakehead fish that were causing mass panic are now, just one year later, universally beloved. What the fuck?

For those just joining us, the Snakehead is a slimy, disgusting mouthbreather of a fish that hails from some parallel universe in the Far East. It is slimy, mean, eats everything and anything, and can walk a sizable distance on dry land! It can't be reasoned with. It can't be bargained with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear, and it absolutely will not stop until you have drained the ponds in which it lives!

Now, however, Snakehead enthusiasts are fighting a ban on Snakehead possession. This despite the fact that snakeheads are reportedly "known to gobble goldfish whole, jump out of its tank and even shatter an aquarium with its thrashing." As Ruth Hanessian, president of the Maryland Association of Pet Industries, breathlessly puts it, "all of the sudden they're banning all dogs, and you had to turn in your pet. . . . How would you feel?" Yes...first they came for the snakeheads.

Personally speaking, the Deceiver gleefully cackles when Mother Nature rises up to gently spank DC's bare bottom. Snakeheads, cherry-blossom-chewing beavers, pfisteria, cicadas...shee-it! Iss all good in the hood.

Maybe the Snakehead keeps you harder, longer. Or longer, longer. Or harder, easier. Or easier, Roofier. At any rate, we look forward to seeing some blinged-out club kids walking up Conn Ave with their 'Headz on a leash.

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