Friday, July 09, 2004

Whassamatta, WMATA?

 Posted by Hello

The good people at Metro are still strapped for cash--expecting budget shortfalls despite two recent fare increases.

Given the fact that extra money is not easily obtained through conventional means, and the fact that there appears to be enormous institutional resistance within WMATA to another fare hike, The Deceiver would like to be of service...


1. Lose a Farragut
Seriously. Why do we need two Farragut stations mere blocks apart? Farragut Westies can get off at Foggy Bottom or Farragut North. A little walking isn't going to kill anyone.

2. Gut the tourists like the fish that they are.
They come several times a year milling in abject terror and confusion in front of the FareCard machine, as if it were a Puppy Vivisection While-U-Wait kiosk. Metro attendants who help these out-of-town dolts need a convenient way to add a $2 surcharge everytime some Missourian can't figure out how to put a quarter in the fucking coin slot.

3. If the parking lot attendants are so good at grifting, let them grift for the home team.One of the big areas of shortfall was discovered when an internal investigation revealed that outer-line parking lot attendants had been skimming millions of dollars for years and years. I say, put those people to work scamming and lifting for the betterment of Metro. Have them break into cars, teach them to pickpocket, turn them loose like Port Authority hustlers to "help" riders "carry" their bags. Hey, we might get hit once or twice, but consider it the five-finger transportation tax. At least we keep those terrorists out of there. I guess.

4. Get a piece of the busking action.
Metro lets performers of suspect talent play for cash in the outer terminals all the time--it's time for Metro to claim their piece of that pie. Suggestion: Deploy a station attendant to approach the buskers like so: "Say...that's a real nice bassoon you got there. Gee, I'd hate to see anything happen to it. Like getting accidentally forced up one's ass." They'll get the message.

5. Quit building shit.
The completion of the new Convention Center in Mount Vernon Square precipitated the need for Metro extensions throughout the edge of the 7th Street Corridor on up to Cardozo. Which only proves my point--we have to stop building shit. Seriously, if we settled with the city we have now, Metro could reallocate funds from development projects into budget areas that are falling short of funds. So, for the sake of all involved, let's just wrap it up w/r/t construction projects and learn to enjoy the city we have for a while.

[If you have an idea that'll help Metro save some cash, drop The Deceiver a line at the email listed on the sidebar. Remember, they say "Early Money Is Like Yeast", because it's so infectious. Presumably.]

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