Tuesday, August 31, 2004

New addition to the lexicon.

Every so often, The Deceiver hears a great phrase coined or a fantastic new word. Today, Wife of Deceiver, ensconced in her new job, was talking with a new coworker who used to work in the Fairfax County Public Schools. Taking careful consideration of Fairfax County's affluence and general superior attitude (The Deceiver grew up in Fairfax County, so I'm allowed to joke, right?), Co-Worker of Wife of Deceiver introduced her to a great new term which can be used to refer to Fairfax County: Band Camp.

From now on, when the Deceiver talks about Fairfax County, we will refer to it as Band Camp. We think you should, too. It'll make you feel good.

Dysfunction Junction

The DC Board of Elections, so recently humiliated by a January 04 fuck-up that saw voter guides arrive in the mail for the "First in the Nation" Primary about a week late, has Cocked the Vote once again.

According to the Washington Post, DCBoE made sure they left themselves plenty of advance time to get the voter guides for the September 14 primary out, and actually got them mailed three weeks in advance. However, once again, the DC Government delivered a FUBAR of epic proportions. These voter guides specifically direct voters to locate their polling place using a two-digit code number on the mailing label. Unfortunately, they forgot to include that number. Confounding the error is the fact that a "meaningless mass-mailing code" [Ed. Note: How meaningless could it be? It meant something to the post office!] that, if erroneously used as the polling place locator, will send DC voters wandering all over the city to the wrong locations.

The Post highlights the case of Ellen Wormser. The map below indicates where she is supposed to vote: Powell Elementary at Upshur and 14th NW.

Right polling place... Posted by Hello

But this is where the voter guide tells her to go: Janney Elementary at Albermarle and Wisconsin NW.

...wrong polling place! Posted by Hello

Not to worry though. The Board of Elections plans to send out a second mailing that corrects the first! And it will no doubt be paid for with all the extra money DC has!

Still, Board Executive Director defends the voter guides:

"It went out without the correct precinct number on it. Obviously, that's a mistake. It shouldn't have happened," Miller said in an interview. "But it's out. It's out on time. And it has a lot of good, reliable information in there."

We're sure it does. A lot of good reliable information that DC Voters can pretend to use when they show up at the wrong polling location to use it, because of that one piece of bad, unreliable information that fucked up the whole operation.

I'm sure the voting officials will be more than willing to hand every confused DC voter a sticker for their troubles.

Deceptette: Powerhouse? I could just die of mocking laughter.

  1. I guess he is trying to break our hearts. Wilco, on tour across the country, will bypass Washington, DC for some reason. Are we even getting our own quarter? (DCist)
  2. Don't look now, but Virginia's having its own McGreevey moment! Republican House Member Edward Schrock steps down, saying "For all you know, I may be a Gay American." (Washington Post)
  3. Olney Theatre stages a play that sounds like a total exercise in postmodern frippery; Nelson Pressley--who despises melodrama despite the fact that it's the single most successful theatrical genre in the history of the world--naturally, loves it, is still wetting his pants. (Style) (All kidding aside, we're sure the play is great.)
  4. Hey Deceiver readers! Can you guess what article in today's Washington Post had me doubled over in mordant, cackling laughter? One hint: schadenfreude plays a big role. Okay another: inside knowledge that reality is a lot different from what is said in the press plays a significant role as well. Send your guesses here.

Monday, August 30, 2004

EXCLUSIVE--Potential Lawsuit Grows Imminent

We are reporting today that The Deceiver has grown precipitously closer to launching a major lawsuit on a Former Theatrical Employer of The Deceiver. I am quoted as saying: "We have moved to about three minutes to midnight, and I assure you, if the clock strikes twelve, there will be Festival of Asset Seizing like you have never seen." Seriously. I'm measuring window treatments for what could be my new office.

At issue is an amount of money owed to the Wife of Deceiver. "Let me be clear," I say, "There is every expectation that WoD will be renumerated in full. I was just not happy with Former Theatrical Employer's answer to questions." The Deceiver has it on good sources that FTE has been, of late, pursuing some "nickel and dime tactics" and are, generally speaking, "enormous asshatters."

By all indications, midnight will not be reached for at least another 48 hours. But The Deceiver's prediction has not changed from this past weekend, when he prophesized that the correct compensation for the services WoD rendered would not be available by the deadline. For now, we stand by that prognostication.

Developing, as they say.

Counting Down The Days Until THE BROWN BUNNY Premiere: DAY 12--What Vincent didn't say.

In retrospect, I don't know why I said we'd post the answer on Saturday, considering The Deceiver likes to rest on Saturdays. Though, ironically, I did actually post something on Saturday. Damn. Consistency is what I need. It's the key to good blogging. That, and boldfacing a random word in each paragraph. You master those two things, and you've got yourself a blog, mister.

Anyway, if you correctly guessed #4--He said The Brown Bunny is "an art film" and that it should be "playing in museums."--you were right. Gallo didn't say anything of the kind. Actually, Chloe Sevigny said that. We think she's a bit misguided--if Dillinger's cock doesn't meet Smithsonian standards, Gallo's definitely on the outside looking in.

Deceptette--Tired, Bored, and Under Deadline

  1. If you are walking down K Street today and are wondering why the sky seems bluer, people are smiling more, and the air isn't so heavy with the stink of fatuous white men dicking the middle class, there's a reason--the Republicans have all left town! (Coronation of the 20th Hijacker: Official Site)
  2. Washington, DC goes Roshambo crazy this weekend. Remember: Only you can prevent Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson from making a movie about it. (Washington Post)
  3. Divided Alexandria School Board goes on retreat--should have stayed there. (Washington Post)

Saturday, August 28, 2004

Deceptette--Featuring Special Shameless Plug!

  1. Israelis have spies at DoD, working to influence decisions? I'm so totally not shocked at all! Maybe someone owes Jim Moran an apology! (dcindymedia)
  2. More people getting weirdly sick at the University of Maryland. New recruitment campaign devised: "You don't have to be vomiting your colon out to attend Maryland, but it sure helps!" (Washington Post)
Saturday, September 4, at 7:15pm at the Kennedy Center, The Deceiver and the Wife of Deceiver will both be appearing in the reading of James Hesla's new work, Behold, brought to you by Rorschach theatre. It's part of the Page to Stage Festival, and when the KC remembers to get us food, it's usually pretty fun.

My thinking is, if that whiner Andrew Sullivan can be in a show at WSC, there's no reason why I should hesitate to get my Schach on, dig? Besides, unlike Sullivan, I won't have just labelled all of the participants as traitorous members of some insidious, anti-American "fifth column." Punk.

Friday, August 27, 2004

DCeiver gets plugged again.

Someone out there hearts the Deceiver. This is from the transcript of Reliable Source Richard Leiby's chat:

Arlington, Va.: Can you tell us some good blogs we can check out to get some D.C.-related dirt? I know there's Wonkette and a new one called DCeiver seems to be pretty cool, plus there's the Here's A Hint blog on the D.C. music scene. Can you point us towards some others or are there any you read on a regular basis? Thanks.

Richard Leiby: http://www.capitolhillblue.com/ Mainly political diatribes but sometimes people think it's entertaining, in a shrill way.
So here goes:

1. Thanks for the plug. We love the leading way you got our site mentioned.
2. We're embarassed to mentioned in same sentence as Wonkette. Ana Marie Cox is, like, professional and shit. She wrote for Suck. She's been fired from probably a bunch of cool places. And I'm pretty sure I almost got to see her on MTV a little while ago. She's like the Yankees, man. I'm just trying to ride pine for the Cyclones.
3. Considering Leiby has described Wonkette as "A foulmouthed, inaccurate, opinionated little vixen," we think it's odd that he recommends Capitol Hill Blue. I mean--we love CHB! But they've become well-known of late for insinuating that Bush is freaky-crazy bipolar, covered in half-chewed food, spitting vitriolic phlegm at everyone he sees, and off his meds like Jeremy Sisto's character from Six Feet Under. I guess Leiby just doesn't like a strong woman. Pussy.
4. Come on. You namecheck us, Wonkette, and the Here's a Hint blog? We totally know each other, don't we? And, "seems to be pretty cool?" All my close friends hedge their bets like that when they talk about my great works.

Predator: A field guide to the things that are killing us this week.

Evil Dogs:
DCist reports this week that man's best friend went on the offensive this week. A Presa Canario--a breed of dog that will forever be etched in the minds of San Franciscans, escpecially female volleyball coaches of non-traditional sexual proclivities--bit his owner on Branch Avenue SE. A homeowner on Aspen Street NW was unable to enter his home because of three snarling pit bulls in his yard--he should have done the old Lassie trick and tried to understand what the pit bulls were saying: maybe they were simply telling him that his Pier 1 living room set was hopelessly outdated! And disaster of the highest order was averted when a Chihuahua, running loose at 11th and Kenyon NW was impounded--the toll it might have taken on the ankles of DCers is impossible to calculate.

Alien Mussels
Virginia's Millbrook Quarry is being invaded by alien fauna--specifically, a species of bivalve [Ed. Note: honestly, we have no idea if they are actually bivalves, we just like saying "bivalve", whether we have it right or wrong, the very fact that we are using the word "bivalve" is an indication to you, the reader, that TheDeceiver did at one point take an AP Biology class] native to the Caspian Sea called the Zebra Mussel. Horrified marine biologist John Odenkir describes the scene:

"I was only down 10 feet, and I just got bug-eyed. I saw this wall just covered with them," Odenkir said. "The zebra mussel to me is the snakehead (fish) of the mollusk world."

The snakehead of the mollusk world? [Ed. note: Oh yeah, they're mollusks!] Sounds fricking awesome! Since being entertained by the Sci-Fi channel's Snakehead Terror movie, we see the possibility for a sequel--Dial Z for Zebra Mussels! Or, Ice Station Zebra Mussel! Is Boxleitner still available?

Oyster Devouring Rays:
Now, technically, these rays aren't killing us, per se. But they are killing oysters, and TheDeceiver loves him some oysters. We'd bet there are a few of you out there that do as well. Well, when the Army Corps of Engineers dumped a million oysters into the Great Wicomico River, hoping to replenish the population, no one knew that the river was haunted by the terrifying Cownose Ray! That is, "no one" besides, well...everyfuckingone:

"The rays show up every year at the same time, in the same place. They go through the shellfish beds, and they love oysters," said Rich Pelz, president of the Circle C Oyster Ranch in Ridge, St. Mary's County.

"It's not something they should have missed," Pelz said.

Well, shit. Everyone knows that our Army can only win wars in deserts now! They don't win battles in rivers. And they do only a spotty job in mountains. And jungles are totally out. Still, there are Iraqis, yearning for freedom and a better life, who would envy the cownose ray. At least we got the cownose ray some fucking food.

Counting Down The Days Until THE BROWN BUNNY Premiere: DAY 15--Gallo on Stern

Can you correctly identify the thing Vincent Gallo DIDN'T say on the Howard Stern Show yesterday?

  1. He called Christina Ricci a "cunt" and said she did her best work on Buffalo 66 when she wasn't shitfaced on the set.
  2. He informed Stern that Paris Hilton was "very sexual."
  3. He explained that he was arrested for masturbating in public and that his father beat him for nine days when he found out. Subsequently, this has soured him on masturbating in public.
  4. He said The Brown Bunny is "an art film" and that it should be "playing in museums."
  5. He clarified that Christina Ricci did not, as rumored, pee on the set of Buffalo 66. Rather, she peed on the floor of a restaurant. Call Zagat's!

The answer tomorrow.

The Brown Bunny--coming to Visions Cinema and Bistro in 15 days.

Admittedly, sour grapes for Blackberries

Wonkette reports that all full-time MBA students at the "University" of Maryland will receive Blackberries as a token of their esteem. No idea if this is going to touch off a trend nationwide, but if you know any lucky Maryland MBA student, christen his or her new hi-tech geegaw with this message: "Yeah. You still couldn't get into Darden, beyotch!"


  1. Irony-free good news: Police have caught the Dupont Circle Shooter. (Washington Post)
  2. "Hmmm. Our assets are $3,000 and our liabilities are over $2million? Our only choice is to make the biggest, most-saffron infused meatball in the world!" Galileo: In Trouble (DCist)
  3. "Damn it! I'm only going to say this about 1,500 more times!" David Catania reminds us yet again that he's not supporting George W. Bush for President. (Blade)
  4. Peter Marks: Once again, he forgets he's a Washington DC theatre critic. (Washington Post)
  5. Better start living then! Forbes says DC is "worst place to die" in America. (DCSOB)
  6. Ana Marie Cox suffers computer woes, Wonkette goes down, staffers pace the Russell SOB cafeteria with fret and worry. During this time of crisis, Gawker asks public to give "2500 words on what the fuck happened to make Michelle Malkin the way she is." The DCeiver begins work on essay entitled "Who is Michelle Malkin Again?" then gets bored, goes to PotBelly. (Wonkette, again.)

Thursday, August 26, 2004

The Big Gig

Folks, you realize that if John Kerry wins the election, Representative Barney Frank has a good chance at becoming Senator Barney Frank? Ted Kennedy and Barney Frank--together at last! Which one would be the top? Which would be the bottom? It could go either way, but, at any rate, my Quiddick is getting Chapped just thinking about it! Wanna know more? Then head out to Visions Cinema and Bistro this weekend to catch Let's Get Frank. And if you go to the Sunday evening showing, you'll get Barney Frank in the flesh! To ask questions of, anyway. This weekend only.

Kelly Smith went to the University of Virginia, got known for having a hellaciously good voice, sang a bunch, graduated, moved to Washington DC, got involved with a band called Juniper Lane, changed her name to Vivion, got a new haircut, started channeling the spirit of Pat Benatar, ripped shit up, put out an amazing record, took a harrowing fall in Great Falls that sounded pretty life threatening, dusted herself off, healed her body, went back to work with the band, and booked Iota for a gig this Friday night. That sounds pretty impressive, but what you don't know is she did all that stuff in the past six days! With the Lloyd Dobler Effect, 9:30 pm.

The college football season gets underway in the City Formerly Known as Raljon, as the University of Southern California and Virginia Polytechnic institute (or, Virginia Tech if you are a VPI student) square off in the Black Coaches Alliance Football Classic! Frank Beamer and Pete Carroll? Apparently, they are black. Never knew that. Saturday at FedEx Field, 7:45pm.

Counting Down The Days Until THE BROWN BUNNY Premiere: DAY 16--We totally heart Sarah Lewitinn!


The Deceiver says: you are the bees knees. You are so totally "fit." But the great thing about you is that while you are indeed "fit", you don't act like "you know it." I mean, I'm sure that you "know" "it", but you never hit anyone over the head "know[ing] it." Your "fit"-ness, that is. That's an important and endearing personality trait attesting to your personal greatness. Because so often, people get a little bit "fit" and then strut around all day like they so totally "know it," which leads to other people getting to be all: "Dude, she is so not that 'fit'. At least not enough that I need to be constantly reminded of it through her constant displays of 'knowing it.'"

I guess what we're trying to say is that in your life, you will never, EVER become Chloe Sevigny. And that makes us so happy that we want to lie down on the beds of joy and piss the sheets of happiness.

The Brown Bunny--coming to Visions Cinema and Bistro in 16 days.

Take the ballgame out.

The tide of public opinion is turning against baseball in Washington, DC. In the most recent poll, 70% of DC residents oppose publid financing for the new stadium that would be required by the meretricious bastards at Major League Baseball. But Anthony Williams is steadfast in his determination to bring the national pastime to the nation's capital. Of course, we've seen in the past that Tony's steadfast determination is lacking in steadfastness and determinitude. Nevertheless, the occasion allows for comic pronoucements such as this one...

"It's difficult to talk about in the abstract," Williams said in an interview. "I mean, everyone is for baseball. Nobody's for robbing the schools and health care to pay for it. But that's not what we're talking about doing. I think we're able to do both."

You gotta love a guy who first announces how hard it is to speak abstractly, then offers his own glib abstraction! Hey, we're all for baseball? Thanks for telling me what I didn't already need to know, Tony!

But it's hard to imagine the DC government succeeding in any situation that requires them to "do both." If the passage of council resolutions depended on being able to chew gum and spit at the same time, Kevin Chavous would have choked to death already. Not that that wouldn't be an improvement.

But let's talk in concrete terms for a minute. Despite the loud bray of old-liners who mourn nostalgically for the return of the Senators, DC is not a baseball town. We're sick for the Redskins, totally wound up about college hoops, and really place the most DC-sports identification on the world of high school basketball. With the DC United garnering the support of our Hispanic community--one of the key baseball support demos, there just isn't enough room in our tattered, jaded hearts for a major spiritual investment on a shitty Canadian baseball team that the Canadians didn't want or watch or care about.

Besides, I am not fooled by the whimsical waves of Yearn that come from old Senators fans. History teaches us that even that team, in it's heyday--and I am using the term heyday extremely loosely--wasn't nearly as popular as its partisans would suggest. The Senators were never very well attended--and those that did attend typically did so as either neutral observers (tickets were lavished on guests and supporters of members of Congress), or as supporters for the visiting opponents. So it's not just a stretch to say DC could become a hot baseball town--characterising DC back then as some baseball-mad mecca is about as far from the truth as it gets. Maybe the anti-Kerry "swift boat veterans" should rally to the cause!

Plus, the bottom line is the Washington Senators were shitty. SHITTY! LA Clippers worthy shitty. And the team we'd get--the Montreal Expos--even shittier! Given the fact that the Redskins, Wizards and Capitals are also shitty, we need to ask ourselves--do we really need another sinkhole of a sports team in our fair city?

Of course, the biggest enemy of DC Baseball is Orioles owner Peter Angelos, who is an asshatter of the highest order. Simply to make him unhappy, it would be almost worth it to install a baseball team in Washington. But it would be cheaper and better to simply leave bags of flaming poop on his doorstep.

Not that I've ever done that before.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Here's a Hint: Finished?

According to friends of The Deceiver, the fiesty anonymous blog by Here's a Hint, which ably disparaged the weak links in the local music scene (many of whom frequently posted in support of HaH's positions unaware that they were in fact the target in a phenommenon that I call "Pretty In Pink Syndrome") has shuttered. We're leaving the sidebar link up in tribute.

While The Deceiver hasn't always agreed with HaH, we still think he (or, she, maybe?) is awesomely attuned, deliciously contrary, and a pretty talented wordsmith. We hold many things in common: a general agreement that Big Yawn is the worst name for a webzine ever, that Exit Clov is probably the best band in DC, that our music scene is overdependent on out-of-town acts, and that the host of Dr. Dremo's Open Mic Night (and singer of local act Rotoscope) Courtney Totushek is an insufferable twit.

Perhaps HaH's blog was one of those too brief illuminations, burning brightly but briefly. But we have asked him--or, her--to join us here at The DCeiver. Hopefully, HaH'll be up for it.

Brown Bunny Countdown!

If you love cinema--and especially if you prefer pretentious, pigheaded, aneurysm-inducing portrayals of negligible talent and boundless vanity--your time is coming! In only seventeen days, The Brown Bunny, Vincent Gallo's new reel of semi-bipolar filmic junk, will open at Visions Cinema and Bistro. Opening on September 10, it'll ease us into the day after--which is sure to be equally pretentious, pigheaded, and aneurysm-inducing in its terror nostalgia.

17 days and counting.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

What a difference a well-written quip w/r/t Lauriol Plaza makes!

And how long can we continue making hay of this? (We're done. We promise!)

Turgid with site visits! Posted by Hello

Hi there. Did you miss us?

Hey there. When we last spoke, The Deceiver was happily flush with Wonkette visitors, and we were on the road to NYC, to spend our summer vacation. We're back now, having left Manhattan in fine shape for the upcoming GOoPer Convention, and we're piled under a mountain of work in our lush L Street office. As an added bonus, most of the Wonketteers from last week have left the building, which means that yes, it was an inopportune time to go on vacation. As The Walkmen state: "Once when I went out I knew everyone. Now I go out alone if I go out at all."

NYC was fantastic, by the by, thanks for asking. We had drinkies at Paladar, fantastic Korean food in the East Village, cigars and bourbon atop Travis Mills' apartment near the Williambsurg bridge, fantastic lox and even more fantastic herring (like fish-candy, all non-Swedes take note), a great time in the Park and on Fifth Avenue, where we were having too good a time to starfuck, and the worlds greatest grilled cheese sandwich at Amy's on the campus of Hunter College.

We tried, and failed to do everything mentioned in the song "Korean Bodega", but we're pleased to report that our class at The Learning Annex--"Dishy, Swishy, and Always Fishy: Blogging the 21st Century Snark Merchant Way"--was well attended. Hopefully, we'll be back in the fall with a follow-up: "It's Not Our Fault: Why Everything We Told You Was Not The Real Reason You Got Sued."

Other observations:

1. NYC is now impossible to enjoy without a cellphone. Really. It's the dividing line between a good time and getting ass-jacked. Don't even think about going without one.

2. For optimal results, have access to the internet as well. We didn't--we wanted to "rough it."

3. Brooklyn is the new Manhattan. Queens is the New Brooklyn. Staten Island is the Old Staten Island. Islip is the new Long Island City. Hoboken is the new Bethesda.

4. All cab drivers drive like Lizzie Grubman, just better.

5. To the guy sunbathing Sunday morning on the roof at York and 74th. Please slowly put your shirt back on.

6. Despite all manner of vows to the contrary, we very nearly did go to Pianos.

7. Foot traffic at 50th and Broadway is so bad, that I expected a Vietnamese Death Camp at the end of it.

8. Chalk it up to the Con Con, but there was a disturbing lack of homeless people in the city this week. Positively eerie. What has Bloomberg done with them? I can't tell you how depressing it is to be in Manhattan and field no offers for $4 blowjobs.

9. There was a crazy prevalence of NJ-Do Not Call advertisements this week, featuring Jim McGreevey. It's like his coming out announcement was right before the wrap party on those advertisements. New Jerseyans who would bemoan McGreevey's sexual proclivities should remember that when the people of New Jersey needed someone to cockblock the telemarketers, he put the hammer down on invasive telecommunications. Surely a man who could keep NJ pristine from cold-calls can be counted on to ass-fuck responsibly? Remember: McGreevey made his body a temple. Or a Temple, if you are Golan Cipel. And that, folks, is this week's naked attempt to attract Wonkette's love.

10. Apologies to all we could not see and do this week. Catch you next time.

Thanks to: Bob Lord, for the free lodging; Travis and Amy, for the expert guidance; the good people at BlissSpa, for fulfilling my wife's wishes; the staff at Finnegan's Wake at 73rd and 1st; and Beth and Jim Low for serving as our Northern NJ base camp.

We hope to visit NYC again. In the meantime, watch out--the Republicans are coming.

Now. Check back later for everything we missed last week.

Monday, August 16, 2004

Welcome Wonketteers

Pre-historic Wonkette rendering, by Terry Colon Posted by Hello

Wow. Good things come to those who attract the attention of Ms. Ana Marie Cox! Hi everybody. Forgive us but we're feeling quite giddy right now. We're ever so pleased to find ourselves guesting so many folks today and giggling at this blog's first mention on Wonkette. Wonkette's always made us, like so many of you, feel like bratty schoolgirls lurking in the restroom of DC's political scene, smoking Lucky Strikes and loudly judging others for the sheer fun of it. Today, it's like Ana herself has smiled and said, "DCeiver, you may use the pink soap today."

Would this be an inopportune time to go to Manhattan for a week? Because, we kinda had plans.

Friday, August 13, 2004

The Big Gig and updates on comings and goings

NOTE: OK. We have got the deets on FORUM now. Thanks for yr patience.

Opening this weekend, the debut production from FORUM, a new troupe specializing in cross-genre production--blending theatre and dance and, let's say, Tex-Mex cuisine, for example. These guys emanate from the bastion of lunacy known as Mark Sullivan's House--which was the premiere feature in this very blog. Also, three people that The Deceiver holds in the highest esteem--Deb Sivigny, Melissa Schwartz, and Maggie Glauber--are deeply involved. Wouldn't you want to see them, know them, marvel at their talent, later: drink with them? Of course you would. I repeat: of course you would. Then do it: go see their grand opening production of "BECKETT: The Shorter Plays" tonight at 8pm at the Arena Stage satellite facility on 14th and T (1901 14th NW).

What, pray tell, is Maggie Glauber's honeysweetiesugarpie, John Horn, doing this weekend? Why, he's performing at Cherry Red Productions Day Old Plays, that's what! If by now you know the drill, you know the drill. If you don't, fucking get your skank ass down to the Warehouse Theater at 1021 7th Street, NW and check it out. We know the Olympics are on--but doping is encouraged at the Day Old Plays. Two shows: 8 and 11pm.

Brice coaxes modern-angst loveliness from his peerless voice, and gently nudges the tiny machines on stage with him to play along. Go see him do his thing on Monday 16 August at Galaxy Hut in Arlington. With Jon Kaplan of the Bicycle Thieves opening.


IN other news:

1. Was yesterday just the worst fucking day for gay people? The California Court and l'affaire McGreevey rallied homophobic troglodytes everywhere. Counter the hate with some conspicuous consumer spending at DC's fine gay-friendy establishments this weekend. If you haven't bought Davey Sedaris' new book yet, take the trip up to Lambda Rising and pick it up. Grab a sandwich fulla meat and some draft beer at Hamburger Mary's. Pump up the gay economy a little this week, people.

2. Or, stay inside if one of the many hurricanes manages to make it's way up here. Already, we're talking about scotching our plans for Lake Anna this weekend.

3. We are, however, still resolute in our plan to take Manhattan next week. We will arrive in the wake of destruction left by Andy Dick and depart before the Republicans get there. Guest blogger, anyone? If The Deceiver gets into any trouble, look for reporting on it here.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Mary Prankster--local date announced.

Posted by Hello

Tracy Kellum--whose back, lustrous hair and comely ass can be clearly seen in the liner notes of Lemonade: Live--has kindly pointed out to The DCeiver that our beloved Mary Prankster has just added a date at the Birchmere in Alexandria--August 26, 2004. Tickets are $16.50 and Todd Snider is opening. More local dates for MP if and when they are announced.

ITEM--New Chief of Schools for DC! How long will he last?

Here, lemme give you a hug, you poor bastard. Posted by Hello

Washington DC named it's new Chief of Schools today, and the poor, unfortunate soul is...Clifford B. Janey!! From the school districts of Boston and Rochester comes Mr. Janey to take the job that no sane person--and a large number of the clinically insane people--could possibly want.

The Washington Post described the search as "agonizing." Mr. Janey will have ample opportunity over the next few months to come to viscerally understand the meaning of that word.

So, The Deceiver's gotta know...how long will he last in the job? Will he make it through the year? Send guesses to imadcver@yahoo.com!

Predator: A Field Guide to the things that are killing us this week.

On the Virginia side of the Metro area, residents are scared poopy over the recent assaults visited upon their children by what appears to be a rabid fox, possibly Arlington politico Andy Rosenberg, but we are declining to speculate at this time. From the reports, it seems like most residents of the affected area are happily settling into one of the advanced stages of blown-out-of-proportion terror. Dig the Post's purple prose:

It was a hot, quiet afternoon at the Crestview townhouses in Herndon on Monday, so Jacqueline Elliott let the five children at the day care she runs from her home eat popsicles in the back yard. She won't do that again.

Seriously, it's like they did a find and replace with their 9-11 coverage.

One resident, however, was keeping it in perspective: "I don't want my kids to be too afraid of it," she said. "It's lower on my list of worries than . . . gang violence."

That list:
1. Gang Violence
2. Running out of toilet paper before a snowstorm
3. Anacondas
4. Getting raped by the ice cream man
5. Robert Novak
6. Foxes
7. Not really getting why THE DaVINCI CODE is so popular
8. What is that thing on John Edwards' lip, anyway?
9. The CHUDS
10. Free-floating existential anxiety.

Norwalk Virus:
That scourge of Carnival Cruises has waded to our shores this week, infecting over 100 teens who were in College Park to attend a Student Leadership Conference at the University of Maryland. Officials have little idea how the Conference attendees came to be so afflicted--The Deceiver prefers to believe it will be one of several plagues visited upon Governor Ehrlich and his guests. Symptoms include nausea and severe diarrhea--which could explain how the virus got so widespread--since nausea and the runs affect anyone who comes in contact with the University of Maryland, no one probably noticed until it was too late. Health professionals are doing what they can to stop the spread of the disease. Frederick Corder, Prince George's County's health officer, has stressed: "The key here is hand-washing." Not coincidentally, proof of handwashing automatically qualifies UMd. students for "cum laude" status.

People who ride Buses:
Apparently, the number of incidents of assaults on bus drivers has spiked in recent months. Explanations vary: METRO says that more drivers are reporting incidents than before, I guess because they're rejecting METRO's most recent training series: "Just Tough It Out, You Fucking Crybaby." We don't have an explanation--The Deceiver likes riding the bus--except the 38B. The 38B is for suckers. With this rising concern for their personal safety, many bus drivers are striving to get promoted to rail operator. As Transit Police Chief Polly Hanson, whose never seen The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3, attests, "Rail operators don't get assaulted." Which is true, but bus drivers probably get laid 5 times as often.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Through a quesadilla, darkly

It's never fun coming down from an Oxycontin haze. The world looks so different and unfriendly. And when you are paranoid lunatic Rush Limbaugh, this drugless dotage can indeed present itself publicly as pity-inducing.

Rush, finding himself with several hours of free-time that used to passed staring at the weave in his dress socks in an Oxy-induced semi-coma has, God love him, discovered The Note, on ABC News' website. He may be the last person on Earth to do so. Wonkette is reporting today that he has apparently taken The Note's snarky self-congratulatory talk and its silly in-jokes about media conspiracy at face value. In a recent broadcast, he spoke of The Note's "Gang of 500" as if they actually exist.

What does this have to do with DC? Well, hilariously, Rush's dark pronouncements w/r/t to The Note's writers' device included a tar-brushing for DC's own Lauriol Plaza.

RUSH: I don't want to get sidetracked here. "The meeting held per usual on the top floor of the Lauriol Plaza," another place I never heard of, "did have a speakerphone set up so those in Martha's Vineyard and the Hamptons and Jackson Hole and Nantucket and Kennebunkport and aboard the Kerry train could participate." He goes on to say that Marybeth Cahill, Kerry's campaign manager, got a dial-in number.

She was able to listen to what went on, and she would not have been surprised at all about what did go on.

Blimey. How out of touch do you have to be to grimly imagine Lauriol Plaza--the great, three-story wall of conspicuous consumer spending, that gaudy temple to trendy, see-and-be-seen dining--as the watering hole of La Resistance? With a red phone set up direct to MB Cahill and the en route Kerry Campaign, no less! Grimy, beret-wearing journos grip their Gauloises and study the wires, sending carrier pigeons of splendid leftism to and fro from atop their secretive rooftop enclave. A regular Les Miserables in there, always one wine bottle away from the Red Flag Barricade.

But, if you are out there, beloved workers of Lauriol Plaza, let's unite for a spate of mysterious phone calls to Rush's home emanating from the restaurant itself. He'll freak out when he sees "Lauriol Plaza" on his caller ID.

How do I know he has caller ID? It's the best way to know your dealers' on the line.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Travis' Redskins Report: Hall of Fame Game

Tone-poem of Pyrrhic Victory
as told to The Deceiver
by Travis Mills

Low expectations.
Just get thru injury free.
We all know that's not what came to be.
Fuck me.
Gibbs again, Jee-zus H.
Sore eyes have sight again for christ's sake.
I would have his children if science figured it out.
He'd probably have to talk to Pat about that.
The king looked cucumber cool.
Returned like Aragon admist fanfare and exposition.
None of that Spurrier snarl and bluster.
But it was just a game with a loser and a winner.
And who knows who was who and who cares.
Jansen akimbo: in all its Catch 22 glory, blown.
The Achilles heel of a team is shown.
But Buges and los Dirtbags will overcome.
Though it'll take more than a bag of dirt to inherit that throne.

Like loyalty-slaying free agency and bloated back-end
'tracts that mean jack are just business
The season ending exhibition game injury is just life.

Fan hit with gads of shit. Wipe it off. Move on.
Coach has plenty to evaluate.
That's the point, ain't it?
Get em all in. Game speed. Game conditions. Game-like without a record.
10 new starters? Not bad for 2 weeks of practice.
So #5 Rook checkmates some cold crunk shit.
All over Mauk like a hick on grits.
A starter over paupers, yes, but looking good nonetheless.
Laid some hits, picked some picks; scored.
Saved an Ohio audience from being bored.
The rest was vanilla with occasional sprinkles.
Hasselbeck poised and pretty in the pocket.
Campbell and Clifton, LB scrubs with dreams.
Scott and Simon, with some quality special teams.
Scott and McCants netting catches of the day.
Boschetti and Killings making headway.
Some other thoughts:
Ade got exposed. First cut.
First team save for Marcus not doing much.
Trade Chad and Rod (and Jacobs and Betts!) Fin-ward for Ogun?
Kill the pass rush problem with one stone.
Much Bud was sold, so sayeth the league.
No such thing as an off-season anymore.

The Hall of Same cropped up -still lancing the Spurrier lesions:
QB's rushed and out of pocket.
Hot read WR's overthrown.
RB's with no holes to exploit.
But freeway holes for Bronc RB's to punch.
Special teams ceding ample yardage.
Arm tackles and missed reads aplenty.
But it'll come together. The team looked team-like.
Joe looked Joe-like. Positively Jesus-like.
Danny stayed in his box and let Barry and Elway hog glory.
Carolina on Saturday at FedEx will probably be just as gory.

A win's a win unless you lose Jon.
Then it's a loss with an inverted score.
Fuck you, preseason.

But thanks too.

Friday, August 06, 2004

If you sensed a disturbance in the Funk today...

Rick James, R.I.P. Posted by Hello

This is why.

As Dave Robson says, Rick James' death was "like a million bitches all cried out at once...and were suddenly silenced."

The Big Gig and other news

This Friday Night, head on up to IOTA (as sorta seen on The West Wing) for the alt-country stylings of Tres Chicas--a supergroup of roots-rock chanteuses, featuring Lynn Blakey (Glory Fountain), Caitlin Cary (Whiskeytown), and Tonya Lamm (Hazeldine). Did you hear them on NPR? Yes you did! Now git!

Zach Braff is taking over the entire fucking world. And that's a good thing. So, this weekend, cement your devotion to our future cultural imam by taking in a screening of his movie Garden State, which he has growed up all by his little ol' self. See it at Loews in G-Town, Loews in Shirlington, or the Landmark on E Street. And for God's sake, Fandango that bitch! You wanna wait in line like a plebe?

Those snarky and urbane kids from the Landless Theatre Company hitch their wagon to the unsuspecting backside of the KenCen's Festival of Tennessee Williamsness with this Chicago born-and-bred parody of Williams' best known play. Opening this weekend at the DCAC (which we lovingly refer to as "The Dee-Kack") in Adams Morgan. Allow three hours to find a parking space.


In Other News:

August is upon us, and with that, we come to the traditional time The DCeiver likes to get the hell outta the Swamp for a little of the R&R. Next weekend, we retreat from the urban grid altogether, heading out for a quiet weekend of boating, grilling and beer at peaceful Lake Anna. If this town really does blow up in a heated terror attack, trust us--we won't even fucking know about it.

Then, the following week, The DCeiver heads up to Manhattan, beginning Tuesday Night with the ceremonial burnt offerings to the Gods of EZPass. After a brief stop in the paradise known as Northern New Jersey, we head into NYC for dining, quaffing, and the finest night-life the 5 boroughs have to offer. Just for kicks, we will be participating in the latest trendy activity that's all the rage in NYC--not going to Pianos.

Still unresolved is whether or not The DCeiver will be posting regularly from NYC or if that responsibility will be left in the hands of a special guest blogger. But, rest assured, we shall resolve these matters. In the meantime, we?ve given you some fun, life-enriching activities to engage in this weekend--fucking go do 'em!

Thursday, August 05, 2004

More hot, heaving action on your Subway!

Doors of perception? Posted by Hello

It was certainly never our intention for The Deceiver to become an annal of Metro bitchery, but you know what, kids? The bad news is too damn good. The Red Line may be stuck, but the headlines keep on coming.

Beginning last week, with the news that one rider was busted and detained by police for chewing. Yes. Masticating. She hadn't brought a hambone into the train to suck on. She didn't lay a table full of chafing trays out on the train to Shady Grove. No, she was chewing a candy bar.

By all accounts, the candy bar in question had been completely inserted into the woman's mouth prior to crossing into WMATA's Green Zone of Total Control. However, the arresting officer cited that the woman hadn't finished chewing. Now, personally, I thought the intent of the law was to prevent food from being brought on trains. We had no idea this applied to forms of digestion as well. This should and no doubt will spark philosophical conversations akin to "Does life begin at birth?" Does eating end at the first application of digestion? I would argue, yes, as the amylase in our saliva begins the digestive process? Should the woman have been bothered? And would the police have similarly detained a white rider? Or is this just another example of a DC cop with shit-for-brains? I don't know. But in solidarity, I will always chew and ride.

In other news, the Red Line continues to creep through the tunnels with roughly the same alacrity as the preparations for the new Guns and Roses album. The cause for slowness is flood damage to a Silver Spring control room, proving once again that no matter how good life gets here in DC, Silver Spring is waiting, just out of sight, to fuck us all in the ass.

The imaginable frustration is eloquently evoked in the words of Metro's future poet laureate, Ian DeWaal:

"I'm flabbergasted by how they're running the railroad," said Ian DeWaal, 54, a government lawyer whose commute between Glenmont and Metro Center is taking up to 45 minutes longer each day. "I don't understand how they told everyone they would fix this problem in 24 hours and since then we've heard nothing," DeWaal said. "The problem has persisted, and we have no idea how long this is going to go on."

DeWaal is flabbergasted! He's cornholed! Hornswaggled! Befuddlized! Well, Mr. DeWaal, I don't know how they do things in the Netherlands, but here in DC, we don't do reliable. And we certainly don't take Metro at their word that any problem will be fixed within 24 hours! Look at the map of Metro--it's a problem designed to last a lifetime!

The Post points out that the breakdown has rendered outposts on the outbound Red Line as what is termed "dark territory." In other news, I have made no discernable progress in my efforts to spelunk into the dark territory of Jenna Bush.

Yet, amid crisis, concern, delay and the regrettable absence of ass-fucking, there nevertheless exists incontrovertible and indomitable examples of the Washington, DC spirit:

The Red Line woes were punctuated earlier this week by an incident in which a train operator abandoned her idling train at the Van Ness-UDC Station during the middle of Monday's evening rush. Passengers reported that the operator left the door to the cab wide open, stepped off the train, crossed the platform and caught another train headed in the opposite direction.

This is like the DC version of Falling Down! Can you just imagine the kind of day you have to be having to walk off your Metro job like that!? Hilarious! And crossing over to escape on the first train out of Dodge is the brassy icing on the cake! Kudos to you, lady ex-Metro driver! You are the brave symbol of a frustration that we all keenly feel.

Now, can anyone give me a lift to Woodley Park?

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Oranges and Lemons

Boogaa boogaa! Posted by Hello

A few days ago, a well-meaning well-wisher contacted The Deceiver, gravely concerned for our well-being. Why? What was up? Well?

Apparently Tom Ridge and his winged mole rats at the Department of Homeland Security--the most pensive knitting circle in the continental United States--felt a deep pinching sensation in their panty region, pulled out their color wheel and started decorating Washington, DC in orange. And so, by extension, we are supposed to be afraid, or on alert, or prepared for some type of terror event.

To which The Deceiver says: feh. I know there is still a large segment of our population who actually believes the Department of Homeland Obscurity when they issue their dire warnings, but you can count me as not being among them. It's pretty crystal clear that the Wheel of Terror Hues isn't a device used for public awareness or public policy--it's a device used to adjust the political barometer every time W feels a wedgie coming on.

I mean, in terms of DC, the Federal Government never passes up an opportunity to piss on us, so why would they want to protect us? If something was every really going down in DC, they'd spirit the important folks in the Federal Government out of town and leave us to our own devices.

And we now learn that the "intelligence" that led to the uptick in threat level is three-years old! Wow. Now if Tom Ridge could build me a time machine so I could return to an era in which his information could be of some fucking value. I fully expect DHS to issue warnings against betting on the Cubs in the 2003 NLCS, encouraging us to dump our Enron stock, raising awareness of the fact that Coupling wasn't nearly as good a show as NBC made it out to be, and gently mentioning to Howard Dean fans that they should have realistic expectations.

All the same, we at The Deceiver thought that the Terror Colors might have an unintended positive consequence--it would keep the tourists away. Every year, tacky-clad sloths from the flyover wasteland visit our fair city, where they stagger down the sidewalk in rococo curclicues of complete bafflement, treating DCers as if we were all put here to be their tour guide. "Bitch, do I look like some tri-corner hat-wearing fuck from Williamsburg?" is a popular phrase for the out-of-towners.

However, the heightened chicken-littleism that the United Colors of Terror promote do not seem to put a dent in tour-or-ist activity in DC. You'd think that would do it. Exploding manholes, lead in the water, the threatened return of Marion Barry--we've tried everything! We even opened a Coyote Ugly! Nothing seems to work! Anyone out there have any suggestions?

In the meantime, don't worry about Homeland Security's warnings. You're perfectly safe. And, better yet, the Democratic platform is apparently polling well. You'll know how well when they raise the threat to red. Ugh. I have nothing that goes with red.

A kind bud at City Year

Posted by Hello

You know, we at the Deceiver love our friends at the national service organization City Year, where a future generation of liberal Democrats are being trained today in cities already completely filled with liberal Democrats. Yes, it?s a shortsighted plan?there should be chapters in Alabama and Wyoming and Utah and Florida, except the lack of cities would require that the organization?s name be changed to Backwater Year or Desert Year or Tabernacle Year or Sweaty Misbegotten Flat Land of Criminals, Disney Enthusiasts and the Congenitally Useless Year, respectively.

But, while we love our buddies at CY, what we don?t like is the fact that they come to work baked out of their gourd. I just had a conversation with a Boston City Year employee, attempting to track down the email address of a City Year member. The verbatim excerpt is representative of the fifteen minutes I will never get back.

Deceiver: It?s a weird last name, and I?m not sure I?m even pronouncing it correctly.

City Year: You know what, this guy might work in the National Office.

Deceiver: Really?

City Year: Either than or someone may have heard of him.

Deceiver: OK. Could I?have the number?

City Year: What number?

Deceiver: Of the National Office?

City Year: Oh. This is the National Office.

**The Deceiver pounds his head against the wall**

Tuesday, August 03, 2004


Well, Capitol Hill is well nigh in the clutches of gentrification. We spent Saturday night with friends from the Hill and eschewed our typical haunts to see what they've done with the hood. 8th street? My oh my. Ethnic food, weird new pavestones, and now the Shakespeare Theatre looks like the sketchiest entree on the block.

Watch out! The new neighborhood is safe for Republicans. Wearing a Kerry T-Shirt will bring you catcalls of derision. I know, I know...really, that's no different, in essence, from before. But, before, the catcaller would be that breed of humanzee colloquially known as the "staffer." The normal response to attitude from a Hill staffer was, and still is, a derisive snort and the exhortation to "Get a real job, Poindexter." That is usually sufficient for the "Staffer" to explode in a self-immolating burst of shame and self-hatred.

But the new Capitol Hill Republican once had a real job, and you should be careful in how you deal with them. They can and will buy and sell you--if you're lucky. The more cruel ones will spirit you way to their 6th Street SE panic rooms to be worked over by their manservant, Wenstley.

Luckily, I travel with the Wife of Deceiver. And no one fucks with her. She has a cruel streak a mile wide and she will--I repeat--will cut you.

In other weekend news, The Deceiver saw The Village and totally figured out the ending. Take that, M. Night Shamalamadingdong.