Thursday, August 05, 2004

More hot, heaving action on your Subway!

Doors of perception? Posted by Hello

It was certainly never our intention for The Deceiver to become an annal of Metro bitchery, but you know what, kids? The bad news is too damn good. The Red Line may be stuck, but the headlines keep on coming.

Beginning last week, with the news that one rider was busted and detained by police for chewing. Yes. Masticating. She hadn't brought a hambone into the train to suck on. She didn't lay a table full of chafing trays out on the train to Shady Grove. No, she was chewing a candy bar.

By all accounts, the candy bar in question had been completely inserted into the woman's mouth prior to crossing into WMATA's Green Zone of Total Control. However, the arresting officer cited that the woman hadn't finished chewing. Now, personally, I thought the intent of the law was to prevent food from being brought on trains. We had no idea this applied to forms of digestion as well. This should and no doubt will spark philosophical conversations akin to "Does life begin at birth?" Does eating end at the first application of digestion? I would argue, yes, as the amylase in our saliva begins the digestive process? Should the woman have been bothered? And would the police have similarly detained a white rider? Or is this just another example of a DC cop with shit-for-brains? I don't know. But in solidarity, I will always chew and ride.

In other news, the Red Line continues to creep through the tunnels with roughly the same alacrity as the preparations for the new Guns and Roses album. The cause for slowness is flood damage to a Silver Spring control room, proving once again that no matter how good life gets here in DC, Silver Spring is waiting, just out of sight, to fuck us all in the ass.

The imaginable frustration is eloquently evoked in the words of Metro's future poet laureate, Ian DeWaal:

"I'm flabbergasted by how they're running the railroad," said Ian DeWaal, 54, a government lawyer whose commute between Glenmont and Metro Center is taking up to 45 minutes longer each day. "I don't understand how they told everyone they would fix this problem in 24 hours and since then we've heard nothing," DeWaal said. "The problem has persisted, and we have no idea how long this is going to go on."

DeWaal is flabbergasted! He's cornholed! Hornswaggled! Befuddlized! Well, Mr. DeWaal, I don't know how they do things in the Netherlands, but here in DC, we don't do reliable. And we certainly don't take Metro at their word that any problem will be fixed within 24 hours! Look at the map of Metro--it's a problem designed to last a lifetime!

The Post points out that the breakdown has rendered outposts on the outbound Red Line as what is termed "dark territory." In other news, I have made no discernable progress in my efforts to spelunk into the dark territory of Jenna Bush.

Yet, amid crisis, concern, delay and the regrettable absence of ass-fucking, there nevertheless exists incontrovertible and indomitable examples of the Washington, DC spirit:

The Red Line woes were punctuated earlier this week by an incident in which a train operator abandoned her idling train at the Van Ness-UDC Station during the middle of Monday's evening rush. Passengers reported that the operator left the door to the cab wide open, stepped off the train, crossed the platform and caught another train headed in the opposite direction.

This is like the DC version of Falling Down! Can you just imagine the kind of day you have to be having to walk off your Metro job like that!? Hilarious! And crossing over to escape on the first train out of Dodge is the brassy icing on the cake! Kudos to you, lady ex-Metro driver! You are the brave symbol of a frustration that we all keenly feel.

Now, can anyone give me a lift to Woodley Park?

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