A few days ago, a well-meaning well-wisher contacted The Deceiver, gravely concerned for our well-being. Why? What was up? Well?
Apparently Tom Ridge and his winged mole rats at the Department of Homeland Security--the most pensive knitting circle in the continental United States--felt a deep pinching sensation in their panty region, pulled out their color wheel and started decorating Washington, DC in orange. And so, by extension, we are supposed to be afraid, or on alert, or prepared for some type of terror event.
To which The Deceiver says: feh. I know there is still a large segment of our population who actually believes the Department of Homeland Obscurity when they issue their dire warnings, but you can count me as not being among them. It's pretty crystal clear that the Wheel of Terror Hues isn't a device used for public awareness or public policy--it's a device used to adjust the political barometer every time W feels a wedgie coming on.
I mean, in terms of DC, the Federal Government never passes up an opportunity to piss on us, so why would they want to protect us? If something was every really going down in DC, they'd spirit the important folks in the Federal Government out of town and leave us to our own devices.
And we now learn that the "intelligence" that led to the uptick in threat level is three-years old! Wow. Now if Tom Ridge could build me a time machine so I could return to an era in which his information could be of some fucking value. I fully expect DHS to issue warnings against betting on the Cubs in the 2003 NLCS, encouraging us to dump our Enron stock, raising awareness of the fact that Coupling wasn't nearly as good a show as NBC made it out to be, and gently mentioning to Howard Dean fans that they should have realistic expectations.
All the same, we at The Deceiver thought that the Terror Colors might have an unintended positive consequence--it would keep the tourists away. Every year, tacky-clad sloths from the flyover wasteland visit our fair city, where they stagger down the sidewalk in rococo curclicues of complete bafflement, treating DCers as if we were all put here to be their tour guide. "Bitch, do I look like some tri-corner hat-wearing fuck from Williamsburg?" is a popular phrase for the out-of-towners.
However, the heightened chicken-littleism that the United Colors of Terror promote do not seem to put a dent in tour-or-ist activity in DC. You'd think that would do it. Exploding manholes, lead in the water, the threatened return of Marion Barry--we've tried everything! We even opened a Coyote Ugly! Nothing seems to work! Anyone out there have any suggestions?
In the meantime, don't worry about Homeland Security's warnings. You're perfectly safe. And, better yet, the Democratic platform is apparently polling well. You'll know how well when they raise the threat to red. Ugh. I have nothing that goes with red.