Friday, August 27, 2004

Predator: A field guide to the things that are killing us this week.

Evil Dogs:
DCist reports this week that man's best friend went on the offensive this week. A Presa Canario--a breed of dog that will forever be etched in the minds of San Franciscans, escpecially female volleyball coaches of non-traditional sexual proclivities--bit his owner on Branch Avenue SE. A homeowner on Aspen Street NW was unable to enter his home because of three snarling pit bulls in his yard--he should have done the old Lassie trick and tried to understand what the pit bulls were saying: maybe they were simply telling him that his Pier 1 living room set was hopelessly outdated! And disaster of the highest order was averted when a Chihuahua, running loose at 11th and Kenyon NW was impounded--the toll it might have taken on the ankles of DCers is impossible to calculate.

Alien Mussels
Virginia's Millbrook Quarry is being invaded by alien fauna--specifically, a species of bivalve [Ed. Note: honestly, we have no idea if they are actually bivalves, we just like saying "bivalve", whether we have it right or wrong, the very fact that we are using the word "bivalve" is an indication to you, the reader, that TheDeceiver did at one point take an AP Biology class] native to the Caspian Sea called the Zebra Mussel. Horrified marine biologist John Odenkir describes the scene:

"I was only down 10 feet, and I just got bug-eyed. I saw this wall just covered with them," Odenkir said. "The zebra mussel to me is the snakehead (fish) of the mollusk world."

The snakehead of the mollusk world? [Ed. note: Oh yeah, they're mollusks!] Sounds fricking awesome! Since being entertained by the Sci-Fi channel's Snakehead Terror movie, we see the possibility for a sequel--Dial Z for Zebra Mussels! Or, Ice Station Zebra Mussel! Is Boxleitner still available?

Oyster Devouring Rays:
Now, technically, these rays aren't killing us, per se. But they are killing oysters, and TheDeceiver loves him some oysters. We'd bet there are a few of you out there that do as well. Well, when the Army Corps of Engineers dumped a million oysters into the Great Wicomico River, hoping to replenish the population, no one knew that the river was haunted by the terrifying Cownose Ray! That is, "no one" besides, well...everyfuckingone:

"The rays show up every year at the same time, in the same place. They go through the shellfish beds, and they love oysters," said Rich Pelz, president of the Circle C Oyster Ranch in Ridge, St. Mary's County.

"It's not something they should have missed," Pelz said.

Well, shit. Everyone knows that our Army can only win wars in deserts now! They don't win battles in rivers. And they do only a spotty job in mountains. And jungles are totally out. Still, there are Iraqis, yearning for freedom and a better life, who would envy the cownose ray. At least we got the cownose ray some fucking food.

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