Tuesday, September 14, 2004

The Bitch is Back! DC Primary results are going PERFECTLY so far.

We at The Deceiver have become so inured to electoral disappointment that the news coming out of tonight's DC Primary is like living in some kind of fantasy world where there are bumper cars and heroin milkshakes and every day is like living inside a Coldplay song all majestic and messianic and everyone's running around naming their kids after fruit.

At this juncture, it looks like the DC Council Clod Twins, Kevin Chavous and Harold Brazil are finally getting tossed to the curb. Oh, frabjous day! Calloo, callay! These two incompetent kneebiters, both of whom at one point had mayoral aspirations that were fortunately thwarted when DC fell in love with a bow-tie wearing, number crunching, kindly and unobtrusive dweeb, have long deserved a little boot in the ass in the general direction of out the door. And they are getting it tonight: both are going down in flames.

With 62% of the precincts reporting, Kwame Brown holds a near insurmountable lead in the Democratic At-Large Primary. Brazil is trailing by 21 percentage points. To give you an idea at what a blowout this is becoming, compare Brazil's support to the unheralded (in all fairness, someone may have heralded him, it's just a figure of speech) Sam Brooks. Brooks is only 17% behind Brazil. Relatively speaking, voters are crazy about the Anybody But Brazil ticket.

In the Ward 7 Primary, Chavous is faring slightly better against Vincent Gray in a crazy six-candidate race. With 54% of the votes counted, Gray is up, 50%-33%. We are hopeful that these trends continue and that Chavous and Brazil are ousted at long last. The only regret we have is that we didn't fund the construction of a large slingshot so as to give this ouster the drama and catharsis it deserves.

But, as much as we giddily grope ourselves at the thought of new blood replacing old dust on the Council, the news that has us most crazy with ecstatic delight is that over in Ward 8, the Man appears to have Come Around! Yes, we are talking about the ultimate in old-school, the man who put the kick back in kickback, set up by bitches but never brought down, the living political reincarnation of Rick James, the Mayor for Life, His Honor Marion Barry is baaaaaack! And back big time! Barry nearly tripled the amount of votes won by the dull and dimwitted Sandy Allen, winning 61% to 23% in a race that wasn't even remotely close.

This means Barry's return to elected office is all but a done deal. The remaining obstacle is 74 year old Ward 8 Republican Shelton Cardell, who won the Republican nomination with all 18 of the Republican votes.

So, things are going to get hella interesting for all of us here in DC-Metro land. And if you think we're stoked at The Deceiver, you have to imagine the orgiastic delight over at The City Paper! This is what they dream of--each generation of City Paper writers wants one thing: a crack at the Barry beat, to walk the same roads as their forebears, to scale the same heights, stare into the same sunlight, peddle the same tired metaphors.

I'll put it like this: you don't have to be a forensic specialist to guess what sticky substance is glistening on a pair of Loose Lips tonight!


Michael said...

Your spelling is awful. It's "Hizzonah, Mayuh foh Laife, Marion Barry." Geez.

The Deceiver said...

Hey...uhhh...well, you see--uh...

Bitch set me up.