Thursday, September 23, 2004

The most dangerous place in the world is between a Marylander and their liquor.

We at The Deceiver are usually pretty acute, we concentrate hard, we keep our feelers extended. But often a piece just breezes right over our head, flitting on gossamer wings to the back recesses of our mind, until it eventually dies and produces a stink so rank that we finally--with a jolt--notice.

For some time now, DCist has been reporting on PG County and its desire to have liquor stores close at midnight, as opposed to 2 or 2:30am. I must confess, for me this was like I was Santa's Little Helper in that episode of the Simpsons where he gets dog training, and you hear what characters are saying from his perspective: "Blah-MWAH blah blah-blah mwah-blah, blah mwah LICK YOUR OWN BALLS blah mwah-blah blah-mwah." Only today did something vital about this story sink in, and that was: Holy ASS-SHIT! Liquor stores in PG are open until 2AM? For Christ's sake, why?

So here are five good reasons why.

5. Late hours allowed Maryland students to maximize their profit potential pahhandling for change.

4. Staggering around drunk was a key means by which Marylanders prevented John Muhammed from drawing a bead on them.

3. PG County residents lack critical technology in the area of "liquor cabinetry", a means by which the rest of the United States stores tasty spirits in their own homes for private consumption at any time of day.

2. After the cops mace you and put your bonfire out, you need something to chase away the demons of inferiority.

1. All these boats aren't going to christen themselves!

[thanks to paul hashemi]

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I add the following:

Not only are the liquor stores open until 2 a.m. but many of these fine establishments feature a church window, which allows a driver to roll right up and get some of the sweet sweet liquor without even having to get of their car. Yes that friend to drunk drivers everywhere is alive and well in PG county, the drive thru. Now that I live in Monty County I miss the high class and convenience of being able to drive to a liquor store at 1:45 a.m. and get me a 40 ounces of the Cold Malty Beverage of my choosin'.