DCist provides a helpful set of links and information detailing Metro's latest crack-brained scheme, the Citizen Corps. While details are sketchy, it would seem that this presages some sort of volunteer citizen security detail--because why leave Metro security in the hands of the people who own and run the system when you can instead empower a battalion of citizens who don't know sweet jack city about it?
All the same, The Deceiver would love to participate in a sort of Junior Varsity version of the Guardian Angels. Here's our five point security plan. We hope Polly Hanson is listening.
- Eliminate riders who cock-block the inside seat by sitting on the outside. The more people have to stand, the more tension fills the air. It's only a matter of time before someone snaps and joins al-Qaeda! From now on, if the seat is free, you scoot your ass to the window or you don't give me all sorts of static when I want to sit there.
- The Citizens Corps will require all in-station musicians to provide demo tapes. Nothing can foment a hatred of freedom and Western Civilization more than shitty music freely played. From now on, riders should be guaranteed that any aural infection they receive should at least rise to a certain level of quality.
- Absolutely no more running in the station during rush hour! "Hey, there, smart guy? Where you running to? You do know there'll be another train up in here in about four minutes, right? Why are you trying to get out of here so quickly?"
- No more reading The DaVinci Code on board the bus. Absolutely not. Something about DVCode readers sets off alarms with me. It's too suspicious. The book can't be that good.
- As a member of the Citizens Corps, I vow to fight the Metro System's greatest scourge. Namely, the people who peddle The Washington Post Express. You keep your grimy collection of wire reports the fuck away from me, or I will straight up mace your ass.