Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Respect mah authoritah!

DCist provides a helpful set of links and information detailing Metro's latest crack-brained scheme, the Citizen Corps. While details are sketchy, it would seem that this presages some sort of volunteer citizen security detail--because why leave Metro security in the hands of the people who own and run the system when you can instead empower a battalion of citizens who don't know sweet jack city about it?

All the same, The Deceiver would love to participate in a sort of Junior Varsity version of the Guardian Angels. Here's our five point security plan. We hope Polly Hanson is listening.

  1. Eliminate riders who cock-block the inside seat by sitting on the outside. The more people have to stand, the more tension fills the air. It's only a matter of time before someone snaps and joins al-Qaeda! From now on, if the seat is free, you scoot your ass to the window or you don't give me all sorts of static when I want to sit there.
  2. The Citizens Corps will require all in-station musicians to provide demo tapes. Nothing can foment a hatred of freedom and Western Civilization more than shitty music freely played. From now on, riders should be guaranteed that any aural infection they receive should at least rise to a certain level of quality.
  3. Absolutely no more running in the station during rush hour! "Hey, there, smart guy? Where you running to? You do know there'll be another train up in here in about four minutes, right? Why are you trying to get out of here so quickly?"
  4. No more reading The DaVinci Code on board the bus. Absolutely not. Something about DVCode readers sets off alarms with me. It's too suspicious. The book can't be that good.
  5. As a member of the Citizens Corps, I vow to fight the Metro System's greatest scourge. Namely, the people who peddle The Washington Post Express. You keep your grimy collection of wire reports the fuck away from me, or I will straight up mace your ass.
DCist also encourages riders to revisit the Metro safety procedures. But I don't need to be reading that shit. Hell, I saw The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3. I got my safety procedures down, people. When the shit hits the fan on the Red Line, I'ma drop and lay the beatdown on, Walter Matthau style. Holla!


Anonymous said...

I would now like to hold forth on the DaVinci Code. Or as I like to refer to it the book which ruined my weekend of male bonding, beer drinking at 7 a.m. and hurricane soaked fun down the Ocean.
This book sucks you in like a one legged whore with no teeth and doesn't let go after you have handed her the $12.50. I couldn't stop reading it, because much the same as the speeches of supposedly moderate Republicans you are waiting for the next assult and insult to your intelligence.
Why is the DaVinci Code so popular, because it makes dumb people feel clever. Simplistic clues and pitiful twat plists abound in this made for ABC Movie of the Week, pandering piece of crap. Pseudo Art History mingeling with goddess worship and Catholic church bashing. Not that I am against bashing the church of my birth, but please today's Roman Catholic Church can't keep a secret to save its life.
So when you are in need of that feeling superiority that you haven't had since you were that kid in the dorm who figured out that you could buy beer with your older brothers ID, read the DaVinci Code.
I now return you to your regular broadcast.

Anonymous said...

That is an excellent comment, SMc. I'd likely read this blog more than once an hour, if there were more like that.

The Deceiver said...

I agree. SMc is the early frontrunner for my Comment of the Month award. He's going to be pissed when he learns that the prize is a used copy of THE CELESTINE PROPHESY, however.

Jason said...

On item #2: It's been a while since I've lived in DC, but the one musician who I absolutely could not stand was the dreadlocked guy noodling on a heavilly flanged and chorussed guitar with his eyes closed as if he was playing something hugely inspirational when in fact it is just the most drab guitar masturbation possible. Is he still around? My favorite was that huge group of trombonists who sometimes played hot dixieland jazz on Dupont Circle.

The Deceiver said...

I don't know what to tell you, Jason. I lived in Charlottesville for five years, so when I hear "dreadlocks...noodling...eyes closed...drab guitar masturbation" I instinctually think: "Charlottesville Music Scene."