Monday, September 13, 2004

This is a call.

It seemed like only yesterday that The Deceiver was thinking to himself: "My God, Deceiver, these people who regularly spend their weekends at Coyote Ugly and who believe it is this sine qua non of hip nightlife are perhaps the most embarrassing fucking people in this whole city!" Well, they now have competition.

The Deceiver and the Wife of Deceiver were enjoying a beautiful evening of outdoor dining at Mexicali Blues the other night, and, having finished, headed to board the Metro at Clarendon to take the inbound Orange into the city. That's when we were set upon by an awesome gaggle of 5'4" female undergraduates from George Washington University, who had spent the evening at Arlington's latest monstrosity, the Cheesecake Factory.

For those of you keeping score at home, the Cheesecake Factory is a culinary debacle of epic proportions. Gaudy and tacky, the CF typically serves its arterial shock-and-awe entrees in portion sizes that could choke a ravenous wildebeest. The Arlington outpost of this gustatory nightmare has towering minarets, which have led the locals to refer to it as The Cheesecake Mosque. It is in short, an Arlington establishment much like the bafflingly popular Mr. Days, that is only patronized by totally embarrassing people.

The WoD and I stood on the Metro platform, surrounded by this lollipop guild of Mosqueteers, each of them tightly clutching an enormous doggybag of that evening's CF leavings--BRANDED doggybags, mind you, with a stupidly large and yellow CF insignia prominently emblazoned thereon--destined for GWU residence mini-fridges and the cold, hateful breakfast of a hungover Saturday mid-morning. Staring at them, it was hard to escape the rampaging thought: "Sweet Christ! These are quite possibly the most declasse people in the world."

This is a call. You can do better. You don't need the Cheesecake Factory. Even if you are a student. Even if you LIKE the Cheesecake Factory. It is mangy waste, sold to bottom feeders. Ask a friend for help. Read Chowhound. Get a copy of Zagat's if all else fails. The Cheesecake Factory is like Lauriol Plaza for losers. It is the restaurant equivalent of the House Republican haircut, regrettable, avoidable and embarrassing to all involved. You must stop. You must stop right now.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

"declasse", "Lauriol Plaza for losers". Snob. Get over yourself.

Anonymous said...

Aww, first Anonymous, do you like food that has more grease than they drained from your aunt's thighs? Pretension is what separates us from the beasts, piggy.

Anonymous said...

Nice touch on "Mosqueteers." There is a hideous strip mall in Rockville with an Old Navy that also has minarets for some reason; whenever I drive past it while visiting my parents from now on, I'm sure I'll have trouble getting Mosqueteers out of my head.

Someone should look into why atrocious suburban architecture around D.C. features minarets. Is it a sign of tolerance in the face of the war on terror? Or is it just that fake Tudor only works for enormous homes, not for malls?

The Deceiver said...

You're amazing anonypuss. It's very clear what the people I describe are doing wrong, and yet you seem to think I'm to blame? Suck it, fuckwit.

The Deceiver said...

Actually 11:54 Anonymous (to distinguish you from the mouthbreathing git who first posted) DCs architecture is a weird blend of the Masonic and the foreign and the classic and the weird. And if Frank Gehry has his way, it will include at least one free-floating metallic piece of snot.

Jeff said...

As one of these incoming GWU folks (though gay, male, bitter, and graduate), I find myself caught in an odd middle ground.

I, too, am enjoying the skanky fruits of a dense city for the first time in my life, so I do get kind of giddy walking up and down the mall and going to the Botanic Gardens and whatnot. I bought cheesecake not at the Factory, but at the Old Post Office. There's a Body Shop? Oh my, I need face scrub! And Aveda? Point to it!

At the same time, the physical description of the gaggle you've given very accurately distills my impressions of the monetary force that has built GWU, and to which it grossly caters. These girls (and their boy counterparts) have no excuse, as they seem to be unable to comprehend that a VonDutch hat loses all significance when worn by seven of them, side by side, collars up and cackling away on tiny camera phones. Sigh...

Anonymous said...

I found what you wrote funny, but find your complaints about Cheesecake Factory even more funny when seeing you are listening to the musical equivalent in the overproduced Alive & Amplified Mooney Suzuki album.

The Deceiver said...

Jeff, I've been an incoming student before, and the Father of Deceiver is a GWU alum, so I got lots of love for the Dub. Plus the Wife of Deceiver used to work at The Body Shop and we've both been using this crazy soap from Bliss that makes my balls tingle--it's literally like New Years Eve on my scrotum each time I use it. At the same time, I can't tear my eyes off of the sublime horrow that is CSI: Miami--so hey, consumer culture, I'm right there. At the same time, a you point out, there's a big difference between being common and being embarrassing. I gather that you already know that. You can do a lot of things in DC, meet some honest-to-goodness wild people, get up to some trouble, and have a shitload of cheesy fun at the same time. My only recommendation: do NOT become one of those CROSSFIRE groupies...they scare me.

The Deceiver said...

I would say Hoobastank is the musical equivalent of the Cheesecake Factory, not the Mooney Suzuki. Still i can't imagine how jaded you'd have to be to listen to Alive and Amplified and think: "Hmmmm. I like it okay. I just wish it had been produced by rank amateurs using equipment purchased by redeeming recyclable aluminum cans."

nm said...

you're right, cheesecake factory and hoobastank go very well together... but don't you think that "alive & amplified" is just a tad over-produced?

The Deceiver said...

w/r/t the Mooney Suzuki beign overproduced, I'm not sure that they are or if it even matters. I mean, if they had their arms pinned behind them and they were forced to take that level of production, then I feel bad, you know? I enjoyed the Thermals MORE PARTS PER MILLION despite it being vastly under-produced, so there's just no telling what I like and don't like.

The folks behind ALIVE AND AMPLIFIED were the same people, I believe, who produced a couple songs on the newest Liz Phair album as well, and as far as i can tell, their great crime was to make her song "Extraordinary" as salable as possible so that she might be able to have some money to maybe send her kid to college. What a sell-out.

Anonymous said...

i'm an anonymous "pussy" b/c you use this annoying application which requires that i sign up with blogger in order to comment. that, quite truthfully, is bullshit.

perhaps your blog would be considerably less pussy-infested if you had haloscan or you used a better app...but that is irrelevant. here is what is not irrelevant-- calling you out for being a snob. and let me tell you, it takes one to know one.

i also mocked those colonial trixies when i was a cynical grad student at GW from 1999-2001, but you take it to a level that is almost inane. the cheesecake factory is a chain, but so is everything else. nothing's unique or creative anymore, and lord knows dissing the black-pant wearing, von dutch-sporting vapid brats of new jersey who comprise the majority of GW's undergraduate population is FAR from original.

also? i'd much prefer that people take the egregious amounts of food served in almost all restaurants home, vs having it go to waste, or having it consumed in one sitting. we're already careless enough, we're already fat enough. whether the doggy bags are "branded" is lame to carp on...

you're obviously a talented and entertaining blogger. perhaps you were just in a bad mood when you wrote this. perhaps more of that ball-tingling scrub...?

Bob said...

Please. A separate post on this soap. Info, man. INFO.

The Deceiver said...

I know that Blogger's comment thingy is annoying, and installing Haloscan is on my List of Things To Do, but it's at about #947, so look for that in 2005 sometime.

Of course, you're being a little silly. You could sign your post, you know. You could post nothing but your name and last known address if you wanted to. Let's not make it out like I gave you no choice at all.

As far as what I said about the Cheesecake Factory and the embarrasing GWU "trixies", I said all that on a GOOD day, actually. I could get a lot snobbier than dissing the tackiest, porniest, gaudiest, intestine clampingest restaurant in the city, but for some people, well, standards be low I guess.

I took home a rather large portion of my meal from Park and Orchard in East Rutherford this weekend (I wouldn't call that a snobby place to dine, btw). The difference is that P&O didn't stick it in a gaudy, branded shopping bag. People who stream out of CF look like their mommies packed 'em up a heaping sack of empty calorie damage--all lined up like little schoolkids as they trail to the Metro.

Ick, gag me. Seriously.

Bringing Love Online, Guys
<------dceiver

The Deceiver said...

Bob--

The soap is by Bliss Spa, it's some peppermint shit I let my wife spend a fuckload of money on last summer when we were in Saks Fifth Avenue in Manhattan and she was just about orgasming in public. It's expensive fucking soap, but you know what, if you are going to pay that much for it, I say, LET MY BALLS BE TINGLED!

Though there are those who say there is nothing original or creative anymore, I posit that this fucking soap and it's testicular tingling in proof of the opposite.