Wednesday, October 27, 2004

DCeiver and DCist get their powwow on, plus the things that keep DC from fully realizing its coolness potential.

Last night, The DCeiver had the pleasure of meeting up at The Big Hunt with the illustrious Rob Goodspeed, one of the two editors of the DCist blog and the author of the Goodspeed Update. Over beers and wings (or as those of you who frequent St. Maartens in Charlottesville prefer, "Waaaaaaaaangs!"), The DCeiver and Mr. Goodspeed talked about Washington, DC (we heart it), bloggy goodness (we got pretty theoretical) and how we were the two most totally awesome people in all of life (is that not plainly obvious?). During the night, he and I were both coincidentally interviewed by Reuters television, who were scouring The Big Hunt, looking for comments on the election. Yeah, we brought the poli-sci capital-K KNOWLEDGE, I'm not afraid to admit. So keep checking Reuters today to see if we made the cut.

The DCeiver was glad for the opportunity to hopefully dispel the rumor that I was some sort of reclusive, shadowy crank who preferred anonymity and never wanted to hang out. The truth is that I am a very public crank, suffering through a brief period election-based agoraphobia. I'm usually happy to be out and about, and will answer you quite honestly if you ask me if I am the Deceiver. You know, it's like DEA agents at a frat party, they, like HAVE to answer you. So, if you're out there in the Washington, DC area, and you hate this blog, or even if you're just a member of Rotoscope, feel free to come kick my ass. Just remember, after a period of convalescence, I'll just write about you, and then the joke'll be on you, sucker.

Now, if you check out the Goodspeed Update, prepare to be impressed with Rob's goodly knowledge of blogging and its societal effect. (And, to the Ann Arbor blogging community, I would like to say that we are very interested in obtaining one of those orbital mind-control lasers.) Getting deep into it, we came to a thorough analysis of blogging and cool cities that incorporate the work of the unfortunately named but tres astute social science guru Richard Florida.

According to the data, Mr. Florida, who's deeply interested in the "creative class" and the effect they have on cities and communities, has ranked Washington, DC at #26 on the scale of "coolness." Well, we here at The DCeiver want to stick up for the DC Metro Area, and think there are a number of mitigating factors that could, and perhaps should, drive that rating up.

1. We're essentially an occupied territory. Washington DC is the only city that has to shape its life around what the federal government--that notorious institute of total lame--says we have to do. Were it not for the Feds, we would be able to do all kinds of cool things here in Washington: stuff like cockfights, and gay marriages, and skeet shooting on Embassy Row. It would be totally awesome, but because Congress won't give DC money to have drinking water if any of those awesome innovations were implemented, we don't come across as the trendsetters we truly are.

2. Too many painful haircuts. Self-explanatory. Most members of Congress walk around as if Burma-shave and floppy combovers were the only option. Because they can't seem to hew to any sort of modern day standard, it keeps the bar low for people like Tony Kornheiser and George Michael to inflict their scalp-pubes on the rest of us, in a post-apocalyptic orgy of sartorial mishap.

3. Everyone is too convinced of their own essentialness. This is the only place I've ever lived in where, when the news reports that inclement weather is allowing all non-essential personnel to stay at home, people instead break their necks trying to get to work and polish the policy brief that no ones going to read or talk about. Ugh. Lame! "Coolness" and "essentialness" just do not mix.

4. We're totally carrying Silver Spring on our back. Sure, New Yorkers sometimes have to drag Long Island City behind them and L.A. is saddled with the Valley, but it just doesn't compare to the dispiriting, soul-leeching blight that is Silver Spring, which, even as it attempts to upscale itself feels more and more like rusty tin can crapulence. What's that stench from the North? Oh, it's that sprawling slum with the pretty movie theatre!

5. Carling Dinkler lives here. Don't need to say any more.

6. I guess randomly strewn roundabouts and diagonal streets named after states aren't everyone's cup of tea. So sue me. Would it improve your out look to note that the circles throughout the city were designed with cannonade defense in mind? Don't you think it's cool that all our weird streets are laid out in the way they are so as to correspond with freaked out Masonic patterns of mysterious design, that channel the awesome power of occult ley lines right into our city? Yeah, well, don't come crying to us when we send the Devouring Maw of Yog-Soggoth after your punk ass.

7. Kwame Brown still just isn't a consistent enough inside presence.

8. People are hung up about all the murders. Fucking crybabies! So a lot of people get murdered in DC. What's the big deal? Look at it this way--you can only get murdered once. So how's that so bad? In New York City, by contrast, you can run into Chloe Sevigny repeatedly.

Really, I could go on and on--too many people are still going to Lauriol Plaza, most of our local bands need a nail driven through their nutsack, and Sandra Day O'Connor still hasn't heeded John Riggins' advice and "loosened up." But I think we're a town of literate iconoclasts, deserving of some attention, despite the hard-to-penetrate haze of Congressional lameosity.

At the very least, we've got it way over Saint Louis.


Skunkeye said...

Well said. That brings us up to at least #25.

notionsUnlimited said...

The Fortress of Solitude is mighty cold and Eternal Vigilance has a high price.
Let's hear it for #25.
Anyone else want to raise the bar
before we release the Estachon
from the Gaussion Containment
that is capped by the Pentagram lid
like a Mason Jar?