Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Get your Votergasm on.

Are you the kind of registered voter that requires there to be at least a wafer-thin pretext before signing up for the anonymous sexual antics you crave? Well, tonight, you're gonna want to head to a Votergasm Party! The election is likely to awkward and uncomfortable, but there's also a reasonable chance that it could end by midnight! Votergasm is the only certain way we have to guarantee that awkwardness will be dragged out until the wee hours of the morning.

Where to go:
ADAMS MORGAN, 15th and Columbia
"Votergasm Party Adams Morgan"
Pros: "well-appointed apartment" perfect for hesitant conversation, giant rats in back alley puts shame into perspective
Cons: When the host says: "Prefer equal numbers of girls to boys, and of course, more girls are always better than guys," you just know this joint's gonna be heavier on the sausage than a Jimmy Dean factory
Contact: esqdc@yahoo.com

Where to go:
GWU Thurston Hall 1900 F St. NW Washington DC 20052
Pros: Organizer heralds Thurston as the "Second most sexually active dorm in the country."
Cons: Studies show that high and localized incidences of sexual promiscuity typically goes hand in hand with high and localized incidence of unattractiveness.
Contact: largointruso@hotmail.com

Where to go:
Sketchytown Read the description: "Now that you've pledge, Massage Therapist is offering free massage to single ladies, must be registered to vote and sexy. At your dorm or hotel room, no cost,if you mention votrgasm call stoney at 202-271-5522."
Pros: The organizer has an endearing lack of a grasp on grammer and sentence structure.
Cons: Everything else.

Contact: ahjgroup@earthlink.net

Where To Go
Lucky Bar, 1221 Conn Ave.
Pros: It's been combined with the "Girls of the Ivy League Party", so it's a chance to get away from constantly banging those Seven Sisters bitches. Plus, it's at the Lucky Bar, which probably runs sticky with sexual desperation most nights.
Cons: If Kristin Kovner, the event organizer, is any indication of the types of people who'll be hoping for a Votergasm, then I'd worry, because she definitely the wonkiest sex-party organizer in the city. She demanded I call her on the phone when I emailed with all of TWO questions, saying "I don't do email interviews." To which I replied: "Umm. Okay. Just so you know, The Deceiver doesn't really have the time or the inclination to be phoning up complete nobodies at the drop of a hat."
Contact: Stick up Ass: dcvotergasm@hotmail.com

Where to Go:
Somewhere in Arlington
Pros: Planner seems to care about guests comfort.
Cons: Email address is MrFuninVA@yahoo.com. So expect lots of snakeskin and obtrusively placed porn.
Contact: Don't

Where to Go:
Greenbelt, MD
Pros: Enthusiastic planner, promise of food, drinks, live music. Highrise with balcony with fantastic view, sounds like good taste involved, planner provides copious directions.
Cons: It's apparently not going to happen, as the host had to leave town for work reasons.
Contact: matt@dilatedesign.com

Where to Go:
Alexandria, VA
"Voters Having Fun"
Pros: Organizer promises an even mix of males and females as well as food and drink.
Cons: I don't know about you, but I just can't get it up when I'm too close to the Masonic Temple.
Contact: jj406890@yahoo.com

Where to Go:
Annandale, VA
"Looking for local girls."
Pros: Organizers pitch party as the low-key alternative to a big party.
Cons: I don't know about you, but the description reads like at any minute, some teen sex comedy will break out. Like this ad's been placed by Bob Shrum's kids in the hopes that "the Girl Next Door" will materialize while their parents are grab-assing at Kerry Central.
Contact: tennisdude222@hotmail.com -- I mean, you KNOW you have a friend in the Tennis Dude!

Wildest Party in DC with ReDefeatBush, WomenAgainstBush and ActforLove at International Spy Museum
Pros: Great setting, great food and drink. They had us at "defeat bush", plus it sounds like an excellent chance to observe gynecologists "practicing their love for each other."
Cons: Even though he did recommend orgies as a way to "relieve social tensions", I wouldn't count on fulfilling my long-standing fantasy of watching Antonin Scalia get DP'ed inside the International Spy Museum.
Contact: david@redefeatbush.com

No comments: