Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Meet Devin Nunes!

Over on the governmentadelically obsessed The Hill, their Capitol Living feature is offering a new "Meet The Lawmaker" entry: Devin Nunes (R-Calif). There isn't a whole lot there to absorb, but we have to say, Representative Nunes' core principles come shining through as if he were an untinted windowpane.

Motherfucker is all about playing it safe.

Astounding--perhaps even...admirable--for a member of the House of Representatives to hew to a low limb on the tree and gently whistle, because frankly, most Representatives tend to be howling mad freakjobs who wanna get naked and scream about how They Know What's Best For You. In this way, the House is different from the Senate in that the Senate keeps their clothing on most days and simply declaims We Know What's Best For You (But Shit, We've Learned That There Are Limits pleasedon'tyellokayI'llbequiet.)

You ask Nunes a question, and by God! You are going to get an answer that will not stir up controversy of any kind. It won't even disturb the dust. He has obviously promised his constituents a rigorous tenure of not stepping on toes or ruffling of feathers, and by God he is going to leave every toe and feather exactly where he found it or die in the attempt. His favorite lawmaker? George Washington. His best moment? Getting married. His saddest moment? "Well, it's always sad when people die." Man. This dude is blowing my FREAKING mind!

Here's an answer that got my attention. His favorite place in the whole world is the Azores. The goshdamn Azores! These are some island chain somewhere in the tropical Atlantic, and he's from there. Right away I'm thinking, "You know, I wonder what the benefits are when you staff for this guy?" Not to mention wondering if spending time in the Azores is what puts you in this kind of comme-ci comme-ca mental mood.

Ahhhh. Now that's my new happy place. The Azores...

While he admits that he'd fire "numerous Senators" (and who wouldn't? They all think they're gonna be President one day!), the answer he gives that I love the most is: "Well, I probably don?t like people who deliberately lie." Yeah. "You see, deliberate lying seems bad, mmm'kay, and I probably don't like it--I probably don't like it one little bit. I think. But, you know, if I ever had to, say, hide Anne Frank or some stuff like that then I probably would totally feel relatively okay about it. At least maybe."

The DCeiver offers a lusty hoist of the glass to Representative Nunes. You sir, make being almost wholly unremarkable look like the most remarkable thing in the universe!

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