Monday, December 06, 2004

Maryland Terrapins lose. Ha ha. Ha ha ha! BWAHAHHHAAA!

I dialed up a nice, relaxing, get-yer-laundry-done weekend and I just about missed the best news of the days off--that the GWU Colonials had beaten the Maryland Terrapins in the BB&T Classic! I guess it's too early in the season for Terrapin fans to set their hometown on fire after a loss.

You see, The DCeiver despises the University of Maryland. I look on Maryland the same way you might look on a pile of dung left on your best tablecloth by the dirtiest dog in your neighborhood. You just can't imagine touching it, going near it, you know you are going to gag when you come within three feet of it, and yet, you have to get it out of your nice, clean home because it doesn't belong there.

Having gone to Virginia, I am frequently told that I am supposed to support all the members of the ACC--that I am supposed to cheer on my conference when they play teams from other parts of the NCAA. However, I say "fuck that." I didn't go to UVa so I could support a bunch of teams from fucking Florida or South Carolina, and I'll be damned if ever was heard an encouraging word about Maryland from out of my mouth. (To all you Wahoos who read this, a cute story: I was cuddling with Wife of Deceiver the other day when she asked me: "Is Maryland on the same level academically as Virginia?" Oh, my. Let's just say I nearly hyperventilated on the spot from the loud peals of uncontrollable laughter that surged forth! What a cute question! Is that not an adorable fucking question!)

When The DCeiver was at The University (of Virginia), people gawked at him, because...well--for many reasons, I'll allow--but for the purposes of this narrative, people gawked at him because while many students invested deeply in UVa's traditional rivalry with the University of North Carolina, or Virginia Polytechnic Institute (or , "Tech", for the plebes), or, in some cases Duke (which was sort of stupid because 1) they were much better than us in hoops and we were much better at them in football--except for the first year I was there, and 2) it's not like Duke gave a shit about us, and for my money, it's best that both sides be somewhat invested--this is why I was always confused when JMU students talked about a "rivalry" with UVA...what rivalry? We liked JMU students, and could never figure out why they were always so pissed off at us!)--I was always, ALWAYS, most rabid and ravenous and cobra-spitty whenever we played Maryland.

Check it. It's a DC thing. You wouldn't understand. I grew up watching the Washington Post sportswriters dust off a patch of ground, stoop down, balance themselves on their knees, cradle the University of Maryland's dangling testicles in their left hand and drink deeply from the University of Maryland's cock. (They sort of two-timed Georgetown, on this regard, but hell, at least Georgetown is in Washington, DC.)

Now, to be fair, Maryland, was, in those days, and for a large part now, better than UVA (though not at football anymore--Maryland sucks hellaciously at football). But the Washington Post's bias still pisses most area Wahoos off. When Maryland beats us, the headline is "Triumphant Maryland Performs God's Work, Walks With Angels in Defeat of Virginia." When UVA beats the Twerps, the headline leads: "Millions Weep Worldwide as Beloved Family Favorite Maryland Cheated of Victory by Group of Marauding Bastards." Even in today's MIke Wise column, the editorial thrust is "We should really thank big schools like Maryland for putting their ranking at risk and deigning to play the lowly locals, and we sure hope that the fact they lost this time doesn't make them so unhappy that they won't feel like they aren't the Hometown Superstar Awesomes and not play in the BB&T next year!" when it should be all--not partly--about, "GWU is freaking awesome! Did you see the huuuuuUUUUURT! they put on MSU and the Terps!"

At any rate, we at The DCeiver think it's fucking awesome that Dad of Deceiver's alma mater G-Dub beat Maryland. The DCeiver always buys a bottle of something nice in January for the uncorking whenever the Terps are finally eliminated from National Championship contention. I especially love it if Duke eliminates them, because while I am enjoying some good scotch or a nice Shiraz, the Maryland students are razing their own campus. That's particularly sweet to think about. This Maryland team certainly doesn't look destined for much after this past week's play, so maybe I'll pick up a bottle of rum from St. Maarten this holiday for this purpose.

Do I fear the turtle? Sure, like, NEVER. I make soup from turtles. They even come with their own bowl.


Anonymous said...

loyal reader and maryland alum/fan here. You must not have read the same Washington Post that I did today, which heaped well-deserved praise on the Colonials for their inspiring upsets, using sportsman-like quotes from Maryland players Chris McCray & Nik Caner-Medley to do so:

"In one weekend, George Washington established itself as a national contender...The two-day performance left little doubt in the minds of Maryland players...that GW is an NCAA tournament team and a new player on the local basketball scene...'They're just GW,' McCray said. 'They don't get much national attention...These were really big wins for them'....'The thing about it at this time of the year, all the rankings are predictions. Nobody has earned their ranking yet,' Caner-Medley said. 'I think George Washington earned their ranking this weekend. They proved that they are a good team...'"

As for pro-Maryland bias in the Post, well, Maryland is the region's leading college hoops power (you wouldn't argue against that, right?), which of course earns them home-team status. That, plus College Park is about 3 miles from DC, while Charlottesville is 115. Saying that there's a pro-Maryland bias is in the Post is like saying there's a pro-Redskins bias. Maybe Georgetown will be competitive again, and maybe GW will go on to establish a rich, decades-long winning tradition. But for the forseeable future, it's the Terps.

That said, I'll take any insult re: riots and such. It's an embarrassment. I'll also give GW's basketball team all due props. They earned my respect, even though I still think snotty, giggling, collar-popping, grotesquely overprivileged GW undergrads are a scourge in our fair city (sorry for the mean-spririted generalization. oh wait, no, I'm not).

The Deceiver said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Deceiver said...

Actually, if I can find a dry spot for my drink to put it down, you're TOTALLY right about the state of G-Dub students. My dad is always yelling when he comes to DC, "What do these fucking kids NEED all this shit for?"

But, if you want bias: consider the fact that there were a dozen able bodied representatives of GWU on hand to take questions--it's not like they are getting on a plane or will be hard to run down, they are sitting there, bathing in victory, they WANT the hometown paper to ask them questions!--but the Post runs over to the losers and ask Caner-Medley and McCray what THEY think about GWU. You see, to the Post, BEATING Maryland isn't enough to warrant attention, Maryland has to then annoint you. It's like the Post sportwriters say: "Wow. The scoreboard says Maryland lost, but before we report that, let's speak to their players and confirm the score is true!"

They did ask Pinnock a question, based on the articles, but the question was probably, "What did you say to Gilchrist? Did you ask him if you could ever be as awesome as him, or just stop to tell him how amazingly cool he was?"

So, they're the biggest college hoops concern in the area. And Virginia's miles away. So, if you detect the aroma of sour grapes...well, guilty as charged. But while the Post is willing to speak of the Redskins and the Wizards and the Colonials critically and dispassionately, with Maryland, they are all goo-goo eyes. Reading the Post at the beginning of each Terrapin football season, you'd think they were about to contend for a national title! And while their hoopsters have actually won one in the past decade, it wouldn't matter to the Post if their players were mediocre--they'd still get treated as champions-in-waiting.

Anonymous said...

I don't quite see what you are saying. The University of Maryland is at least an extension of the city ; UVA is a Southern school nowhere near and in no way related to DC.

Anonymous said...

this is Original Anonymous again (most recent comment is not me - and why won't blogger let users give themselves a name if not registered w/ blogger?). I think overall, the story was framed as a Colonials victory rather than as an unfortunate Maryland defeat, so you're definitely right that from that perspective, more quotes from GW players & coach would have been appropriate. I think, though, they were using Maryland players' quotes to illustrate the narrative of the underdog squad earning the respect of the more established adversary. Personally, I'd have liked to have heard more from these scrappy fellows. Particularly the dude with the socks and the crazy ups.

The Deceiver said...

You know, it pays sometimes to read some bad sportswriting. For example, over Thanksgiving, I was reading the Newark Star-Ledger. The way they frame Rutgers football season is this: "Our beloved Scarlet Knights were bound for glory! Fire the coach who led them instead to 4-7!" But Rutgers is a shitty, shitty college football team. There was never any glory awaiting them. But the Star-Ledger cannot speak realistically, or at least dispassionately, about their local fave. Their premise begins with the understanding that they are entitled to assume the best about Rutgers, in spite of evidence and past performance.

Now, the Post isn't this bad, even talking about Maryland, but where the Post is able to speak the clear eyed truth about the Redskins, and the Hoyas, and the Wizards--treat them favorably but fairly, they lose this dispassionate angle in all their coverage of Maryland. Maryland's not just the big college home team to the Post, it's a fucking Jim Jones Sports Cocktail!

Everyone at the Post is so starry-eyed in love with the Terps! If the Redskins have an average season, the Post talks about their averageness. If the Terps have an average season, the Post talks about how close they came to winning it all. Mark Brunell gets treated as the declining QB he is, but at the beginning of the football season, you'd have thought the hopelessly mediocre Jason Statham was going to be a Heisman finalist.

Now, none of this means the Post should adopt UVA as a home team (though, to be honest with you, the Post heaps glory on Virginia Tech, as if they were a home concern, and Tech is even further away), but I have yet to meet a UVA fan living in this area who doesn't think the Post is unnecessarily kiss-ass and fawning when it comes to the Terps. We grouse, and I bet there are some GWU backers grousing today over the coverage.

Shit. Even the Cavalier Daily doesn't like the Wahoos as much as the Post does the Terps.

The Deceiver said...

I feel your pain w/r/t the way blogger anonymizes everyone. I'm gonna try to do something about it soon--which in Deceiver-terms means--sometime in the next calendar year. But I am responding--albeit glacier-like--to your concern.

The Hatchet has the lowdown from the GWU perspective--but I warn you, if you lay the Hatchet side-by-side with the Post, you'd think the Hatchet is the Post and the Post is the Diamondback!

Anonymous said...

I don't know what stats you've been reading, but your little humanties-heavy UVA doesn't hold a candle to Maryland in any of it research field. Take a look at the funding we get for Physics and Engineering sometime before you snigger so pompously at our academic standing.