Friday, January 14, 2005

Predator: A Field Guide to What's Killing Us This Week

The DC area has been set upon by a nasty version of the norovirus called "winter vomiting disease." Oh, yeah, baby! Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow! The Washington Post doesn't mince words in description, calling it "miserable", describing it's "sledgehammer effect", and warning that it will "lay waste" to you for a day or two. Basically, victims experience a brief period of dizziness, and then IT'S ON, BITCH! Gouts of vomit, ass-explosions, cramps and fever to ensue, so, it's sort of the same thing you go through when you watch a Reese Witherspoon movie. The Post gets bonus points for describing the trials of a flute teacher with the WVD thusly: "The lesson ended quickly, but her vomiting went on and on and on." Somebody put that line in a folk song, stat!

Arlington County was the scene of a brutal and somewhat seriocomic gang slaying, as the drama between Mara Salvatrucha and the South Side Locos spill closer to Columbia Pike. Apparently Arlington's not gentrifying nearly fast enough! There were those who predicted Arlington would rue the day they built that Eckerd on top of that soccer field, which was apparently the tenuous linch-pin keeping everybody from killing one another. Well, let's make with the rueing, people! I want to see piles and piles of rue! And, no, the correct response to this is NOT to raise everybody's rents by $250. You guys think that solves EVERYTHING.

Special DCeiver "No Longer Killing Us" Distinction!
Great news everybody! Cranes are apparently not nearly the dangerous treachcakes evil that we originally thought. At least they aren't diabolically plucking helicopters out of the skies in a sinister orgy of aerial doom and watery death. At least, that's what the NTSB is saying. Though they aren't saying it like that, it's more of a jargon-heavy techspeak. At any rate, it's still okay to suspect the cranes for quietly plotting our demise, but it's not cool, at least for the time being, to accuse them of anything. So what caused the Wilson Bridge helicopter accident? Well, Wilson Bridge just kind of sucks, we guess.

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