Surviving Inauguration: A Message of Safety from the DCeiver and the Department of Homeland Security
The DCeiver and the good folks at the Department of Homeland Security, remind you that everything is totally going to be okay this week for inauguration, despite the little performance of THE GASMAN COMETH many of you witnessed yesterday evening. Safety and security is easily obtained. By the filthy rich, anyway. The rest of you should heed the following advice, pictorally rendered.
Terrorists are everywhere, and their tactics are surprising. You should be ready for terrorists to attack you with anything, including boring discussions on the periodic table of elements, attempts at plying you with extra organs to add to your alimentary canal, and even a well thrown handful of navy beans.
When planning your escape, the Office of Homeland Security definitely recommends you take the time to really overthink things.
Be aware: in the event of an emergency--fuck those Missouri bastards.
If your wireless network goes down during a terrorist emergency, try cutting the cords off of your outdated appliances.
You may find yourself casually contemplating biological war when a terrorist disguised as a midget-sized can of Right Guard attacks. If this happens, haughtily turn on your heel and walk away.
It is useful during these times to be able to pass for Muslim. A simple washcloth can serve as an emergency burqa. Alternatively, a towel wrapped around the head or a T-Shirt emblazoned with pro-Allah sentiments will also serve. In a pinch, the glowing whiteness of your iris and pupil will lead terrorists to believe that you are part of the Armies of the Undead, and they will give you a wide berth.
Be sure to wash your hands thoroughly of the consequences before you inform on one of your neighbors or parents.
The sweet, delectable aroma of Homeland Security may be difficult to take in large doses. Please consume in moderation.
The floating, smoking bloodshot eye is a sign that you may be trapped inside a Blue Oyster Cult video. Turn off the lights, bathe in Pepto Bismol and don't fear the reaper. It will be over shortly.
Uppity, self-righteous women have seriously degraded the structural integrity of the glass ceiling that protects you at work, but cowering like a little man-child is not going to help any, you fucking pussy.
In the event of an emergency, do not trust Michael Jackson.
We prefer our homosexuals to be straight-acting, straight-appearing.
There's no telling when your ass is gonna get served by an agent of al-Qaeda, so citizens should be constantly vigilant and prepared to break dance at the first sign of trouble.
When the terrorist threat is over, assist the economic recovery by heading to New York and taking in a performance of Mamma Mia! at the Winter Garden.
The fact that we have to tell you not to go into a burning building pretty much says it all, eh, losers?
If trapped under debris, try using the awesome power of your cock.
Remember, however, that even in a terrorist emergency, the Department of Justice maintains that he who "smelt it", in the eyes of the law, has "dealt it."
If you find yourself tied to a pole with the angry left-wing frontman from Midnight Oil, blow on your Homeland Security whistle to alert Judge Chertoff.
Do not answer the door for any stray radioactive materials, even if they say they totally have an extra pair of Arcade Fire tickets.
Austin's nightlife is radioliciously exciting!
When you're feeling blue, and feel the whole world is against you, rent your own personal rain cloud and crawl around on your hands and knees. It's the best way to elicit sympathy from your peers.
Disembody circle hand of God karate chop Evil Exit Man bad orange arrows! HiiiiYA!
Damn, bitch! Don't take no smack from yo' crown moldin' an' shit. Show that sucka tha hand and bust outcha mo' shnizzle.
Don't buy those file cabinets at Staples you idiot! Are you nuts?! They mark their prices up 150, sometimes 200%! Go to an Office Supply Warehouse, or get off your ass and do a little internet research to find a Wholesaler in the area. Jesus, what am I, made of money?!
The potent combo of crack cocaine and blaring death metal affects different people in remarkably different ways. Find out beforehand if you're more likely to curl up in a little ball and shiver or more likely to suddenly take off running somewhere. This will help you decide what shoes to wear to the crack den.
OH SHIT, SCIENTISTS CREATED A GIANT DAVID ARQUETTE AND HE'S JUST OVER THAT HILL!! TURN AROUND! TURN AROUND!
In cockfighting as in other martial arts challenges, it is necessary to properly salute your opponent prior to engaging in your battle for crotch supremacy.
Jesus, nobody's gonna want to steal that piece of shit, so you can take the No Radio sign out of your back windshield.
If a plane hits or a bomb goes off in the really tall building you are in, we'd like to remind you with this easy to solve maze puzzle that your life is worth about as much as the lab rat that solved it.
Hey, Red Cross employee! Why don't you get your jaunty ass to work and treat some of my open motherfucking wounds?
Al-Qaeda may have already obtained weaponized nuclear families. Attend lacrosse practice at your own risk.