Monday, February 28, 2005

We might as well give the Golden Calf another shot.

So, we learn from the article in WTOP that the now famous 300,000 ton granite slab with the Ten Commandments is coming to Maryland, who the fuck knows why or where. Talk about feet of clay--those Alabama mouth-breathers were hell-bent on keeping it at their courthouse, now they're schlepping it all over the country. Maybe Christ our Lord is picking up the U-Haul tab.

The article, if you read it, is chock-a-block with what seems to be the ever lessening wisdom and grasp on reality that seems to be afflicting these radical, crazy, pseudo-Christians--more with each passing day. The first paragraph talks about some woman who has designed a hybridized, Christianized, American flag that she "doesn't see why it shouldn't fly everywhere." Dude. Sometimes, I don't see why I can't just print out the DCeiver and staple it to the heads of people I meet. There is, I suppose, a line at which freedom of speech precludes your supposed right to tack up your homemade dishrag everywhere you see fit because it becomes VANDALISM. I'm sure BORF feels the same way about that fuckin' stencil of Jerry O'Connell--except not, because I'm quite sure BORF knows he's being a bad, bad, boy, whereas this Marcia Eldreth is just insane, like the people who believe aliens are stealing their souls through the phone lines.

But it's not Marcia Eldreth and her wonderful flag I'm most mystified by. It's these people who run around screaming about how Christians are being persecuted. See, this is why I was worried about Mel Gibson's stupid movie--I was worried that it would totally freak out all the quasi-Christians and make them totally desirous of experiencing suffering for themselves. Unable to cope with the fact that Christians all but rule the planet, thus disallowing them the opportunity to get beaten and abused and lashed and spat upon, these crazy--CRAZY!--morons now jump at shadows, freaking out at every tiny little scintilla of resistance to their worldview and demanding reparations and protection. Crazy Christians have reinvented themselves as the Ultimate Victim, forever held to be entitled to whatever crazy satisfaction they want whenever they want it.

These people honestly believe they are living in ancient Rome, secretly padding around the Tiber, dodging centurions, meeting surreptitiously, drawing their fish symbol in the sand, quietly praying for their fellows getting fed to the lions. Three words for you: YOU. WISH. ASSHOLES.

"The 5,200-pound granite slab, inscribed with the Ten Commandments and a variety of other religious sentiments, has been barnstorming the country since July, when Jim Cabaniss took the monument 'out of a dark room and brought it into the light of day and exposed it to all of America.'"

THAT is what these people believe! Not just that people needed to be reminded of the Ten Commandments. Not even that too many people don't appreciate, or even know what the Ten Commandments are. They believe that this was the story of a struggle to bring the previously unseen and unknown Ten Commandments to a land that had never known a moral compass. Ha. Let's forget for a moment that serial killer Mr. Bind Torture and Kill was apparently an avid churchgoer who has presumably heard of, say, God. Or the Bible. Or a little something about shalt and not and killing. No! To these weirdos, they have to sit down to a heaping plate of suffercakes every single day. But they never acknowledge that they are choosing to put on the mantle of suffering, and to make matters worse, they blame people like me. Hey, step off, freakshow, I'm just minding my own bizness, watching the Gilmore Girls, aiight?

But let me really get to the thing that makes me want to start defenestrating people. The flag lady, signing off this article, says: "If we don't bless God, he will have no reason to bless America."

With that one phrase, I could go in several different directions, explaining how this woman is standing in an empty station, the train containing The Fucking Point having left long ago. Does God need our blessing? I mean, I see where it's good to, you know, thank Him, praise Him. But bless Him? Wouldn't God be all: "Umm, folks, I kinda have the whole dispensing of blessing shizz on lockdown?" Also, the stupidity of Americans to assume that God basically agrees that, like, the rest of His Creation and all His other peoples are total ass because we threw some tea in Boston Harbor. I mean, freels.

See, one thing that everyone, and I mean everyone, says about God is that he's supposed to be both omniscient and wise to the point of absolute perfection. So I ask you? Does this weird system of tit for tat blessings seem like the idea some dude who knew EVERYTHING and was perfectly wise would come up with? Because to me, it shortchanges God in a big big way. These are the same people who say crazy things like God helped me score a touchdown. Like God says if you fuck a man in the ass you go to hell. Like if you blow up a building we'll set you up in heaven with a roomful of virgin ass for you to tap--can you even take your dick to heaven with you? I don't presume to know! I'd just assume the answer is nyet. Those things sound like something God would say if He were a petulant child, or a douchebag, or a lunatic. But none of that sounds like the systematic plan devised by an all-powerful being who knows everything there is to know and who is so wise that He cannot NOT make perfect sense everytime He opens his mouth.

But you see, to these crazy Christians, these weirdo systems of phony suffering and counting up the number of times you said "Praise Jesus" represent the only effort they are willing to make to save their own souls. I remember a couple of years ago, when Cherry Red did a play called Anger Box, Ian Allen did a monologue that really stuck with me. Basically, it wondered: if it's true that there is this all-powerful being who alone decides if you will live forever in heaven, why is it that no one acts like that is true? Think about it: if you REALLY believed in God and heaven and salvation, would you ever--EVER--take a chance with that shit? I mean: you'd never masturbate, ever! Too much at stake! You'd never tell a lie or shade the truth in any way! It could cost you! Would you eat a delicious bowl of ice cream? It could seem to gluttonous! George Bush says he's like the best Christian ever--well, riddle me this: with that whole "Thou shalt not kill" thing hanging over your mortal soul like the sword of Damocles, would you rush into a war? Let's even say that life is life, and we're sorry God, but sometimes we have gotta kill other people. Let's even say that ultimately, invading Iraq is straight-up the best idea ever conceived and that the sheer act of doing that makes everything perferct from now on. Would you still rush into it? Not stop? Think about it?

I used to work with a bunch of people from Israel. None of them were Orthodox Jews themselves, but they knew a LOT about that culture. My coworkers could spend hours, fascinating me with stories of living immersed in that culture, and me, being super ignorant but nonetheless fascinated, would ask all sorts of dumb questions they were gracious enough to humor. I remember once asking my boss if an Orthodox Jew could ride on an ocean liner that would be travelling on the Shabbat--benefitting from technology seems to be a no-no during that time, but it's not like you can just stop a boat and let it drift. He told me that, yes, it was okay, that Talmudic scholars spend a long time wrestling with questions just like that, and that it really wasn't stupid to ask about those kinds of things.

So, it should hit you. We have got at least one group of people who actually think about this shit. Who don't leave their immortal souls to chance. They have folks whose job it is to ponder these seemingly inane questions, because they aren't so inane once you factor in the thought: "Shit. If I get on this boat, I could burn forever!"

Why this seeming digression? I don't know. But it seems to me that if you're fucking soul hangs in the balance, and you wanted to hear the straight dope on God and heaven and how to get your ass safely ensconced in the Elysian Fields strumming a little Dave Matthews on your harp and relaxing on some cloud, there are a lot of people who you might turn to for advice. But you know who I'd strongly, in no uncertain terms, advise you to keep away from, lest you land in the lake of fire forevermore? I'd say keep the hell away from some people dragging a graven image all over the country and demanding that people look at it, because I seem to remember there being a frigging Commandment against that, and really--who wants to take that sort of a chance?


Anonymous said...

the borf stencil isn't jerry o'connell. it's a friend of the artists who killed himself.

radar pangaean said...

Good to see i'm not the only one who can't tolerate the wish-we-were-really-being-presectuted complex of the modern Christian right :-).