Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Final Four--steeped in regret, The DCeiver rewires his brain to support the Chapel Hillaz

I have to agree with the ILB. Salim, baby, you gotta keep up with your press, baby, because when Sportsworld sweeps into your life to annoint you with erls and shower the path in front of you with rose petals, you best shoot for the stellar lest you get buried in the cellar. Two for two-score? Those be Jason Cain numb3rs. Not a stat line befitting the best player in the NC2A's. Now, for the record, let it go forth from here that JJ Dynomite is not the best in the land either. Me and Clark Kellogg reach for Utah's Bogie. He's the Action in the North Atlantic. He's the Treasure of the Sierra Madre. He's the, umm...Amazing Doctor Clitterhouse...seriously. If Bogut got to suit up with anything other than four plates of cheese fries in high-tops, the Runnin' Utes might still be alive.

Instead, this is who we got. Illinois. I don't usually dine out on the Big Ten's version of filet mignon, but the Illini are nevertheless sweet. The Illinois-Arizona game was white hot. And while I'm sorry to see that Channing Frye-the only player in college whose name sounds like he was a lieutenant in the British Army--will join that Human Pipe Cleaner as Players Who Seemed Like They Had Ten Years of Eligibility That Are Finally Done, you can't ignore their blazing comeback. Best team left, and that's precisely why I can't root for them. They are this Tourney's Efficient Killing Machine. It would be like getting to the final reel of Hoosiers and rooting against Hickory. I'm not going to do it. And besides, Jeff George went to Illinois, and for unleashing his miserable ass on the world I'll not suffer the University of Illinois' Athletic Department to live.

But I will be rooting for them against Louisville. Why? Because of Pitino, that whining pissant Horseman of the Crapocalypse. The man is composed of snake oil and the souls of lost puppies. Got two words for you Ricky. Steve Spurrier. You kinda washed out when you went up to The Association, didn't you. Won't soon forget how Larry Bird wasn't coming through that door. Oddy reminiscent of the fact that Red Auerbach wasn't coming from the door. I would have liked to see you defenestrated from the top of Faneuil Hall, but I can't imagine that your ego fits through many windows. My gorge rose repeatedly reading about the priest you cart along as a sideline attraction/spiritual mentor, handing out ordained Gatorade and saving your precious little scarred up soul. Everything's fucking schtick to you, isn't it Ricky-ticky? Well it's a shame that West Virginia's 1-3-1 Holy Fuck Zone of Chaos didn't bounce you, but I'll take the Efficient Killing Machine if I must if it means sending you back to punch in at Frustrated Incorporated.

On the other side, Tom Izzo finally put one past Special K by turning loose the Sparts of Pleasure to run roughshod. MSU was basically the first team Duke's encountered in like three months that didn't fall for their patented "we don't need to check the droids" bullshit. The crew from East Lansing went out there to trample the weak and hurdle the dead and after a rush and a push the parkay that they stood on was theirs. I sometimes question Izzo's teams during the season. I didn't expect much from them this year, anyway. But he's got them coached up to the nth degree now. A well deserved berth--apologies to all my Wolverine friends making with the snickety-snick. That being said, if MSU meets Illinois in the Final, I say they get beat like a drum.

Which leaves UNC, and problems. It's so against my nature to root for them. But sometimes you are left with no choice. First off, it's the ACC team. And it's a team that was in the ACC before the Abomination happened. And second...well...there really isn't a second. I guess the food at Top of the Hill is nice. UNC's basically the only team left that really matches up well with Illinois. I still think that, as talented as they are, they rely too much on knucleheaded freelancing, take way too many crap ass jump shots, and are too easily lured into rockfights like they got from 'Nova and Wisconsin. And to top it all off, you got Roy Williams, and after Jesus gave Curt Schilling the gift of cortisone, he's easily the most accursed personage in the sporting world. Can Roy cut down the nets? Don't expect a lot of positivity from your Magic Eight Ball, where Signs Point to Reasonable Doubt.

Anyway, I'll be rooting for the winner of the UNC/Michigan State game. And hopefully, before long, I'll have news on who's going to take over the program at UVA. Good grief, right? And, despite his wondrous enthusiasm, school spirit and overall pluck, I'm hoping like crazy that it won't be Cory Alexander. Fuh-rill.


PK said...

Every once in a great while, I like to harken back to my Illinois days. The year was 1977, I was riding a tricycle around my parents' basement, and my little brother was not yet a twinkle in anybody's eye. Life was full of wonder.

Why this trip down memory lane? Because it's all the out I need to cheer for the Illini. If/when they play UNC in the Final, it will be a matchup of the two best starting fives in college basketball, which is as it should be. I might get in good with the family cheering for the Tar Holes, but I can't do it.

Remember. Jeff George played FOOTBALL. Totally irrelevant.

Anonymous said...

Chapel Hill, must pick' em. I'll pour out some 40 on the sidewalk for "The Human Pie Cleaner" leaving the college game after 4 years that seemed to go in slow motion, or maybe it was the Princeton Offense.

When you call Pitino "Ricky Ticky" it gives him too much credit. He could be the mongoose in the Nike commercial making it seem like he is already playing in the championship.

Wassup with UVA guys moving into ECU. Huh???????????????????????? Do you see whats going on. Holland and Stokes, AD and B-ball coach.

Mark Few, Rick Carlailyyyyllleeeaisle, Billy Tubbs, Mike Jarvis, Phil Jackson?

"If it doesn't fit, you must acquit,"

RIP Johnnie Cochran Jr.


ilb said...

Classic. Nice work.

And Go Spartys!

Anonymous said...

Gee I wonder what Gary Williams is going to do since JOHN GILCHRIST DECLARED FOR THE NBA DRAFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz