Saturday, April 02, 2005

Insipidity, thy name is Big Yawn






You know, we've been wanting to warm up a little to our buddies at Big Yawn for a while now. Their page is a little better, layout and feature-wise, their grids are still great, and while they just LOVE practically everything, they are at least reviewing a lot of timely records. So, I thought to myself, okay...maybe I should try reading one of their reviews. Bracing myself, I browsed over and selected their review of Louis XIV, which they had given an 8.9--whatever the fuck that means--a tie for the highest grade given out thus far this year.

Oh, no. This review was written by Big Yawn's Mandy, and it is thoroughly in the vein of Bart Simpson's Treasure Island book report, genetically crossed with a breathless and easily surprised eighth grade girl. While this sort of writing would be impressive were it penned by the titular character of the movie Nell, it is otherwise a train wreck, and that train wreck, with footnotes, follows below. Notes in quotes are from Mandy's POV, natch.



Louis XIV are a a four piece band out of San Diego. Illegal Tender is the last release that will be put on an indie label because they have been signed to Atlantic Records and are sure to be doomed for enternity(1). What I am loving about these guys is that they are very true to who they are(2). A lot of men are afraid to say certain things in their songs because God forbid someone think they are thinking the thoughts they're thinking(3). Yet, we all know what they're thinking about!(4)

Louis XIV have two different eras of music(5). Jason Hill's vocals have this overwhelming sexiness that could put Mick Jagger to shame(6). Yet, the band is able to combine this kind of vocal syling(7) with today's sound of bands like the White Stripes(8). The opening track on this five song EP, entitled "Louis XIV," has a catchy hook that will get stuck in your head for days(9). You'll be finding yourself at home or at work singing "Me Me Me Me..." The guitar solos are quite clearly influenced by The Rolling Stones and David Bowie(10). "Finding Out True Love is Blind" reveals the dirty mind and yummy vocals of Hill(11). He does it so easy(12) that it's almost like it's the 70's again(13). I literally can't say it enough(14), the sex appeal that Hill's voice throws in our face(15) is refreshing and so much fun to listen to.

It's no wonder the band has spread to England faster than faster than you can say "Ziggy Stardust."(16) With dirty British sounding vocals, and dirty minds, Louis XIV have put their own spin(17) on something old and something new(18). It sounds to me like they're having a good time making music(19), and isn't that the point(20)? Two thumbs up(21) to something very smart and sassy. I can see this band really making it big, and they are too good to make it big, if you know what I mean(22).
  1. Illegal Tender was released by Atlantic. And,"enternity?" Uhh, editor?
  2. "Whatever that is. I have no idea."
  3. God forbid someone think they are thinking the thoughts they're thinking. Isn't that, like, a linguistic moebius strip?
  4. "Though I'm not allowed to tell you what that is!"
  5. That's right. They actually have two whole eras of music in their possession. They bought them off eBay.
  6. So shamed is Jagger at Jason Hill's sexiness that I worry worldwide sympathy for Jagger will be so great that a lot of charity money might get diverted from tsunami victims. Oh, curse you, Jason Hill, you magnificent bastard, for that overabundance of sexiness!
  7. Vocal syling? Doesn't this piece of shit website have an editor?! Editor!!
  8. So, you combine one type of vocal styling with the same type of vocal styling?
  9. "I once caught a meat hook in my head for days!"
  10. "cf. where I mentioned Mick Jagger, totally proving it!"
  11. "Brainsss....BRAAINSS..must eat delicious braaaaiiinnnsss."
  12. He does what so easy? Pronouns need antecedents, dipshit!
  13. "Yeah man! The 70's! All that learning to walk and sptting up split peas on my mother's blouses! That decade rooled dood!"
  14. "And I'm not speaking figuratively! I literally have tried! But I have a hard enough time saying something semi-coherent once!"
  15. "I like to have cock thrown in my face! Too bad when I go to parties, the boys make my supply my own roofies."
  16. "I've actually never listened to Ziggy Stardust because if I had, there's no way in hell I'd confuse it for this Louis XIV crap."
  17. Wait. Do they put a "dirty" spin on it? I can't follow your reasoning! Stop mincing words, Mandy! Damn it, be straight with me!
  18. Something borrowed? Something blue?
  19. "It sounds to me like my neighbors are having a good time making fondue, too. I am just so good at inferring from the music that the band actually doesn't find the work to be a back breaking drudgery!"
  20. "Wait! I have a point?"
  21. Those two thumbs are apparently up the editor's ass.
  22. Clearly "Mandy writing what she means" and "coming to know what Mandy means through her writing" are mutually exclusive terms.

Big Yawn would have done a lot better if they had just gotten the pair of tits on the album cover to review the record.

Actually, maybe that's exactly what they did.

23 comments:

PK said...

I haven't yet heard the band, and don't have much to say about the review (I mean, what can be said?)... but I did want to point out that the list on the front of the album show that the fifth song is "Louis Reprise." REPRISE? How lazy can you be? You mean to come up with five songs, you have to write FOUR (one of which is named after your band) and then reprise it again?!?!?!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm impressed. You're doing some hard-hitting bashing on some kid trying to write a CD review. You're such a pussy. Stop hiding on your pathetic little blog and go out and tell these people in person the same things you feel so emboldened to write about. If you have to bash writers, go after ones who are getting paid to do it. Go after ones who could kick your ass. You clearly have some serious problems.

The Deceiver said...

Actually, I'm much more aggrieved at the editor than the writer. The editor was under no obligation to run that review, and it doesn't take a Keats or a Yeats to know that the writing was Grade 4 level.

Of course, if that really WAS a fourth-grader that wrote that, I take it all back! In that case, it wasn't half bad.

Keep coming back, kneebiter!

Bob said...

One of my favorite things, aside from an inappropriate use "of" quotes, is when people say "literally" for exaggeration, when it doesn't make any sense, as the reviewer did.

It literally makes me pee in my pants because it is so funny.

The Deceiver said...

Amen, Bob. Now when you see "literally", it almost always stands in for "figuratively." When someone says "Blah blah was so funny, it had people literally peeing their pants with laughter" I'm the type to call the editor and ask, "Really? 'Cause I don't believe that. Who can corroborate this?" All, they have to do is remove one word to make the sentence read correct as matephor, and even if you wanted to avoind confusion--to wit: "We don't want some dimwit thinking that actually happened"--the word "literally" should be the last thing you use.

The literally vs. figuratively usage is hilarious. And it's done wrong in the highest level of journalism. Now, it is perhaps forgivable on the TV screen--if only because those pampered fussbags don't have any clue what they're talking about anyway--misusing literally is one of the more innoccuous things they can pull from their ass. But if you turn on your "literally" filter, you'll see the misuse everywhere.

I hope the day never comes where I "literally" crap my pants at something, but, in that event, I'm at least secure knowing that it's covered in my living will.

Here's a Hint said...

Best DCeiver post ever.

The Deceiver said...

HaH--

I figured you'd especially like the Classic Simpsons reference and the use of the term "meat hook."

TUL said...

Bravo, DCeiver. Bravo. Not sure if you there for the Hot Hot Heat show, but even the teenyboppers were turned off by Louis XIV's horrid performance. Chauvinistic songs sung by a heavy-set dude in a leather jacket only have so much shelf life, you know?

Lauren said...

Yeah they sucked real bad at the Hot Hot Heat show. But the teens knew like all the words. And had braces. Though decidedly less eye makeup than the band...

Anonymous said...

I like how she said "What I am loving about these guys is that they are very true to who they are." In fact, they've apparently recently overhauled their image. I know this because my next door neighbor used to live with Jason, the lead singer. Of Jason's eye makeup, my neighbor said, "he's just barely young enough to pull it off."

Anonymous said...

I agree with anonymous. You go after the smallest fish. Maybe next you can make fun of the Special Olympics ping-pong team.

The Deceiver said...

Dude, don't get me started on the Special Olympics Ping Pong team! Legal action against them for assaulting me in Atlanta is still pending! What they can do to another man with a ping-pong ball is just unthinkable.

Besides, anonymous--equating this Big Yawn writer with the Special Olympics Ping Pong team...isn't that a little harsh? Would you like my therapist's number?

Anonymous said...

WAY TO STICK IT TO THE MAN!!!!!

U ROOL DOOOOOOOOOD!!!1!!!!11

pk said...

dceiver, all the anonymous boo-birds are obviously idiots ("hiding behind your blog? WTF?"). but i'd tend to agree that this barrel is starting to leak from all the bullet-holes, and all the fish appear to be dead. there just HAVE to be other critic sites out there with content worth making fun of...

The Deceiver said...

Indeed there are: to wit, Peter Marks, paid critic of the Washington Post, once again files a useless story from NYC offering criticism of another production no one in the Washington Post's readship gives two tugs of a dead dog's dick about.

Once again, I say, if Peter Marks is not going to do the job he was paid to do, which is to serve chiefly as Washington DC's theatre critic, then he can fucking well move back to NYC and chase his ambitions. Right now, he's generating reams of useless writing. He might as well take a crap in the Style section for what he's done for the locals.

the deceiver said...

Actually, all the anonymous posters are really me. I don't get many hits so I try to spice up the day conversing with myself.

The Deceiver said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Deceiver said...

Whoops.

Meant to say, "nice try douchebag."

As usual, I've undercut myself.

Anonymous said...

Ah, and Mandy appears. I am sure you knew it would get to me somehow.

According to allmusic.com, Illegal Tender was released by a label called Pineapple Recording Group. Which could easily be a subsidy of Atlantic, so that is my mistake.

Do you write reviews kind sir? I may not be an expert, but I simply tell it like it is. I don't find a need to be pretentious when there is no reason to be. This isn't Pitchfork.

Anyhoo, you're entitled to your opinion, so whatever.

The Deceiver said...

Pineapple Recording Group is a multimedia production company that Jason Hill founded prior to discovering AC/DC.

Examples of DME reviews can be found at (http://www.the-diner.net/MixedGrill.htm) and elsewhere, though I've no clue where our webdesigner has stashed them after the site rebuild--the archive link goes nowhere which is sadly very typical. So, by means, requite with whatever nitpicking you want. You'll see at least, that knowling where the "backspace" key is helps a lot.

Jake said...

Ouch. Harsh review review, but I can understand where you're coming from.

Bet you're regretting "knowling" in that last response, though.

The Deceiver said...

*sigh* Yes.

MJF said...

This is really fucking funny. And I love the footnotes device.