You know, we've been wanting to warm up a little to our buddies at Big Yawn for a while now. Their page is a little better, layout and feature-wise, their grids are still great, and while they just LOVE practically everything, they are at least reviewing a lot of timely records. So, I thought to myself, okay...maybe I should try reading one of their reviews. Bracing myself, I browsed over and selected their review of Louis XIV, which they had given an 8.9--whatever the fuck that means--a tie for the highest grade given out thus far this year.
Oh, no. This review was written by Big Yawn's Mandy, and it is thoroughly in the vein of Bart Simpson's Treasure Island book report, genetically crossed with a breathless and easily surprised eighth grade girl. While this sort of writing would be impressive were it penned by the titular character of the movie Nell, it is otherwise a train wreck, and that train wreck, with footnotes, follows below. Notes in quotes are from Mandy's POV, natch.
Louis XIV are a a four piece band out of San Diego. Illegal Tender is the last release that will be put on an indie label because they have been signed to Atlantic Records and are sure to be doomed for enternity(1). What I am loving about these guys is that they are very true to who they are(2). A lot of men are afraid to say certain things in their songs because God forbid someone think they are thinking the thoughts they're thinking(3). Yet, we all know what they're thinking about!(4)
Louis XIV have two different eras of music(5). Jason Hill's vocals have this overwhelming sexiness that could put Mick Jagger to shame(6). Yet, the band is able to combine this kind of vocal syling(7) with today's sound of bands like the White Stripes(8). The opening track on this five song EP, entitled "Louis XIV," has a catchy hook that will get stuck in your head for days(9). You'll be finding yourself at home or at work singing "Me Me Me Me..." The guitar solos are quite clearly influenced by The Rolling Stones and David Bowie(10). "Finding Out True Love is Blind" reveals the dirty mind and yummy vocals of Hill(11). He does it so easy(12) that it's almost like it's the 70's again(13). I literally can't say it enough(14), the sex appeal that Hill's voice throws in our face(15) is refreshing and so much fun to listen to.
It's no wonder the band has spread to England faster than faster than you can say "Ziggy Stardust."(16) With dirty British sounding vocals, and dirty minds, Louis XIV have put their own spin(17) on something old and something new(18). It sounds to me like they're having a good time making music(19), and isn't that the point(20)? Two thumbs up(21) to something very smart and sassy. I can see this band really making it big, and they are too good to make it big, if you know what I mean(22).
- Illegal Tender was released by Atlantic. And,"enternity?" Uhh, editor?
- "Whatever that is. I have no idea."
- God forbid someone think they are thinking the thoughts they're thinking. Isn't that, like, a linguistic moebius strip?
- "Though I'm not allowed to tell you what that is!"
- That's right. They actually have two whole eras of music in their possession. They bought them off eBay.
- So shamed is Jagger at Jason Hill's sexiness that I worry worldwide sympathy for Jagger will be so great that a lot of charity money might get diverted from tsunami victims. Oh, curse you, Jason Hill, you magnificent bastard, for that overabundance of sexiness!
- Vocal syling? Doesn't this piece of shit website have an editor?! Editor!!
- So, you combine one type of vocal styling with the same type of vocal styling?
- "I once caught a meat hook in my head for days!"
- "cf. where I mentioned Mick Jagger, totally proving it!"
- "Brainsss....BRAAINSS..must eat delicious braaaaiiinnnsss."
- He does what so easy? Pronouns need antecedents, dipshit!
- "Yeah man! The 70's! All that learning to walk and sptting up split peas on my mother's blouses! That decade rooled dood!"
- "And I'm not speaking figuratively! I literally have tried! But I have a hard enough time saying something semi-coherent once!"
- "I like to have cock thrown in my face! Too bad when I go to parties, the boys make my supply my own roofies."
- "I've actually never listened to Ziggy Stardust because if I had, there's no way in hell I'd confuse it for this Louis XIV crap."
- Wait. Do they put a "dirty" spin on it? I can't follow your reasoning! Stop mincing words, Mandy! Damn it, be straight with me!
- Something borrowed? Something blue?
- "It sounds to me like my neighbors are having a good time making fondue, too. I am just so good at inferring from the music that the band actually doesn't find the work to be a back breaking drudgery!"
- "Wait! I have a point?"
- Those two thumbs are apparently up the editor's ass.
- Clearly "Mandy writing what she means" and "coming to know what Mandy means through her writing" are mutually exclusive terms.
Big Yawn would have done a lot better if they had just gotten the pair of tits on the album cover to review the record.
Actually, maybe that's exactly what they did.