April 1 is just a day of April Fools for most people livin' in America, but for DC-area residents it's a full month of Fools--tourorists who come to town trekking from points far and wide to stare in dumb amazement at some trees doing the same things they do ever year in every town, stagger in slo-mo serpentines up the streets you typically breeze down, and treat every single resident of the city as if we were all Colonial American tourguides. No, I don't know when the White House tour is. I don't know when the Washington Monument was built. No, I won't provide you with a demonstration of butter churning. Kindly fuck off.
Soon, they'll be crawling down the sidestreets, whole families dressed in tacky matching outfits who think it's totally awesome to buy clothes that say "FBI" on them. They'll waddle up to the FareCard machines, and you can see their flyover brains erupt in a Ring of Fire stop-error as they collapse puddling like in a ridiculous display of melodrama and confusion. I have always, ALWAYS, found DC to be a friendly city, but when I hear the auslanders complain about how mean every one is here, I swell with pride! That means we're doing our job!
Thanks are due from me to you, the readers, for pacing March to high-water marks across the board as far as readership goes. And we also thank some of the fine blogs who link to us regularly--I may have to create a new distinction on the blogroll for the people who Bring Love Online Guys to us on a weekly basis. Big ups to you guys.
So with no further ado, the March hizzylizzys.
- We ream the Going Out Gurus for Bringing Lame Online, Guys--but happily, they start taking our advice. Hey, you're welcome, guys! Glad we could help.
- How to explain the Cardozo High mercury disaster?
- Well, even if we can't explain it, we can provide a way to warn people about future mercury disasters, right? Wonkette's intern thought it was a good idea! [Editor's Note: We were so regretful to have forgotten the Kevin Bacon movie Quicksilver! Enjoy this post, because it will likely be different when we publish the DCeiver book.]
- We make our brash Bracket predictions.
- Everything about the bracket goes to hell over Spring Break.
- And this is what we're reduced to.
- Still we brought love to the community. And the reward was a kick-ass evening of rock.
- Ian Mackaye doesn't like your neighborhood either.
- Karl Rove didn't get the present he wanted from the easter bunny.
- And we end the month by sticking it to the self-appointed hipster obstructionists from the 930 club forums, and resolving to continue to do so, having received much encouragement and acclaim.