Tuesday, April 12, 2005

One blown up suitcase later, another sinister plot to tell joke, adulterate Coke with pee-pee foiled.

In the past few days, as many of you know, I've joined my colleague DCSOB in placing my arm up to the elbow inside the loathsome heart of our fair city. On top of that, my other arm has been up to the shoulder in the ass of preparing board materials with both legs sunk up to the knees in the quicksand that is the modern office move. Four limbs of sweet, godless immobilzation and face down in a saucer full of vodka.

While we were up to our everything, some dude from China dressed like The Matrix toddled up to the steps of the capital with his two suitcases and stood there quietly. It's springtime in DC, and everyone knows that the friendly strangers in the midst of the city are the ones loudly asking questions of GWU students, who are all, in turn, zooted to the moon on Adderall and acting surly because life was so much easier when they were just drunk and in New Jersey. The strangers are asking where shit it and how much it costs and trying to avoid getting murdered, the students are laughing at the tourists myriad attempts to use the Farecard machine, and that's the DANCE OF SPRING, bitches, so you know that if, into this picture, comes some quiet Chinese guy, acting all suspiciously Zen, chilling with his luggage right outside Fristie's office, then something very fucked up is about to happen.

Actually, as it turned out, the dude with the suitcases was Wenhao Zhao, from Australia, and no criminal charges are being filed. Police say that he was talking crazy, wanting to see the President. "He didn't seem to be in full control of his faculties...Most of what he was saying was nonsensical." Damn! Is that so unusual? It's not like that's ever stopped James Sensenbrenner!

Actually, if you want nonsensical, check out the conversation on CNN about this story (via Wonkette).

REPORTER: This is the area, by the way, Wolf, where the president had his inauguration on January 20th.

WOLF BLITZER: One of the most sensitive spots of real estate in the united states, Bob. Thank you very much.

My God! Just think! Zhao was standing on the very spot that was somewhat in the general vicinity of a spot President Bush stood vaguely near just a mere three months prior! Are you fucking staggered yet? I'm a bit surprised their conversation didn't continue thusly:

REPORTER: That's right, Wolf. Very sensitive. And you can imagine what might have happened if the suspect had been in possession of a Way Back Machine. In theory, Wolf, he could have used it to travel backwards in time to Inauguration Day, and then, well...he would have been very near the President.

WOLF BLITZER: Indeed. The potential for nearness in that scenario you describe, Bob, is very compelling.

REPORTER: It is, Wolf. It's staggering. I'm staggered. Aren't you fucking staggered, Wolf?

WOLF BLITZER: It's truly unthinkable.

REPORTER: Yes, Wolf. Though we have, in essence, just thought of it.

WOLF BLITZER: Yes, Bob. Only CNN is bringing the world this hypothetical coverage.

REPORTER: This just in: CNN--totally fucking awesome. Back to you, Wolf.

But what could Wenhao Zhao have been doing there at the Capitol? DCeiver offers the following theories:

1. Understandably, he was really pissed at John Cornyn.

2. Zhao, hearing of the President's affinity for "My Sharona", was desperate to tell Bush that he really shouldn't sleep on the rest of The Knack's back catalog, available for convenient download on iTunes.

3. Zhao's life's ambition, since he was a small child, was to be a part of the very first Crazy Guy At The Capitol Incident reported on by Sploid.

4. He wanted to spend a few hours somewhere where Google Maps couldn't find him.

5. Just really wanted to get that damn suitcase blown the hell up once and for all.

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