Thursday, May 05, 2005

Getting ready to get killed with style.

Frequent readers of DCeiver know that we have a special place in our black hearts for the working professionals over at the Department of Homeland Security, laboring to keep us safe, knowing that Condoleeza Rice won't read important intelligence reports even if they're titled: "Fuck! What Is That Thing? My God! Oh! Holy Shit! Duck, Condoleeza, duck!" We know their intentions are true. But there's been an awful lot of talk of the nuclear terrorism lately, and whether Washington DC is prepared for what might happen if terrorists decided to pull a 24 and detonate a nuclear weapon, or, worse still, turned menacing cougars loose in our streets.

Well, we've gone over to Steady Ready's webpage and perused their suggestions. Frankly, their tips leave us a little wanting. So, submitted for their approval, we've augmented their text a little bit in order to bring it further into the realm of helpful. We think you'll want to bookmark our guide as an alternative.




A nuclear blast is an explosion with intense light and heat, a damaging pressure wave and widespread radioactive material that can contaminate the air, water and ground surfaces for miles around. F'real y'all. It's fucking bananas. There is probably nothing, even in your vast history of attending Judas Priest concerts, that can compare. Yes, including the Screaming For Vengeance Tour. During a nuclear incident, it is important to avoid radioactive material, if possible. But hey, if there hasn't been a nuclear incident, feel free to get all touchy. While there are plenty of pointy-headed liberal elites calling themselves "experts" who may "predict" at this time that a nuclear attack is less likely than other types, terrorism by its nature is unpredictable. Get it? UNPREDICTABLE! All those Presidential Daily Briefs are "historical documents." All right? We just don't know, so don't ask.


If there is advanced warning of an attack:

First off: How did you get advance warning of the attack? You lucky bastard. We heard off all sorts of put options being placed right before 9-11 and we swore that we would get a piece of that action next time! Take cover immediately, as far below ground as possible, though you should know that the further you tunnel underground, the more likely it is you will encounter American Idol contestant Scott Savol. Under no circumstances should you allow him to strike you upside the head with his cell phone. Any shield or shelter will help protect you from the immediate effects of the blast and the pressure wave, though some shields will perform in a substandard fashion. You should not shield yourself behind tents, cardboard, the new Hot Hot Heat CD, the Cleveland Browns offensive line, that day pass to the White House Press Room, your home or car--really, anything other than six feet of reinforced titanium.

If there is no warning:

  1. Quickly assess the situation. Now, given the fact that there has been no warning, this means you should be constantly assessing the possibility of nuclear attack at every moment. Only by constantly remaining in this state of paranoid, jumpy fright can we assure you that you'll be adequately ready to accept Jenna Bush as our next Kommissar.
  2. Consider if you can get out of the area or if it would be better to go inside a building to limit the amount of radioactive material you are exposed to. In choosing an appropriate building in which to shelter so as to avoid radioactive poison, be mindful that you do not accidentally make matters worse by walking into a Red Lobster.
  3. If you take shelter go as far below ground as possible, close windows and doors, turn off air conditioners, heaters or other ventilation systems. Stay where you are, watch TV, listen to the radio, or check the Internet. We hear that Desperate Housewives show is really cool. Better yet, the domain name for is still available.
  4. To limit the amount of radiation you are exposed to, think about shielding, distance and time.
  • Shielding: If you have a thick shield between yourself and the radioactive materials more of the radiation will be absorbed, and you will be exposed to less. Don't have a thick shield? Loser.
  • Distance: The farther away you are away from the blast and the fallout the lower your exposure. Considering that we have, as a nation, defeated totalitarianism, put men on the moon and set the pace for the technological addvances of the past two hundred years, the mere fact that it's necessary that we explain to you that you have to move AWAY from an explosion in order to be safe is indicative of the fact that we have all become vastly stupid.
  • Time: Minimizing time spent exposed will also reduce your risk. Remember when we told you a minute ago to "think about shielding, distance and time?" Well, you shouldn't have done that, because now you're dead.

Use available information to assess the situation. Here are some examples of how simple and observable information can give you an understanding of the situation you find yourself in.

  • From your position, can you hear a loud and unbearable cacophony of sounds punctuated by incomprehensible babbling? This is not a nuclear attack: you are at a Black Eyed Peas concert.
  • When you left your house this morning, had some kind of substantial damage been done to your neighborhood, leaving the immediate area washed out and blighted as if its previous identity had been erased? This is not a nuclear attack: Columbia Heights has finally been fully gentrified.
  • From your window, did you witness a nearly blinding, bright greenish light, followed by an eerie silence? This is not a nuclear attack: Ann Coulter has conceived a child.
  • Were you awakened by a loud noise and a hideous smell? This is not a nuclear attack: someone has left your clock radio alarm tuned to a channel with Mark Plotkin on it.
  • Your insides--can you see them? Or can you feel them leaking but are unable to see them because your eye sockets have been filled with a white-hot liquid? This may indicate a nuclear attack--but check to make sure you're not simply watching According to Jim again.

If there is a significant radiation threat, health care authorities may or may not advise you to take potassium iodide. Potassium iodide is the same stuff added to your table salt to make it iodized. You put that stuff in the salt with some other stuff and do that thing to it to make the thing happen. You know. Iodizization. Potassium iodide is important to take in the case of a nuclear attack because it may or may not protect your thyroid gland, which is particularly vulnerable, from radioactive iodine exposure. WARNING: Potassium iodide will offer you no protection from the fire, the mayhem, the explosions, the shockwaves, the falling buildings, the household objects that have suddenly become terrifying projectiles or the race of mutant-like creatures that will come after the holocaust. But what did your thyroid gland ever do to you? Show it that you at least give a shit. Take the potassium iodide! Buy some today. Buy it wholesale if you have to. Point blank: you can never have too much potassium iodide in your household. Plan to speak with your health care provider in advance about what makes sense for your family. I bet your health care provider just can't wait to have that conversation.

[Sponsored in part by the Potassium Iodide Manafuacturers of America.]


KOB said...

This is really, really good. You have an amazing talent. Really enjoy your blog.

DailyProse said...

Ann Coulter has conceived a child?!? Impossible, right?