Monday, May 16, 2005

A very special Crossfire.

Wonkette alluded last week to the end being nigh for the much reviled show Crossfire. It will be the end of an error. Much like Seinfeld, Crossfire was a show on which nobody learned anything and nobody hugged. Unlike Seinfeld, nobody laughed, either. Maybe because that cast were four dyspeptic George Costanzas with too little Elainey Janeane Garofalo guesting to break up the flow of runny, soured kvetch. What will become of Crossfire Studio once the die is cast? Perhaps twill become a marble encased meditation chamber for GWU students to sleep off the burning hole in their gullet left by another sad and lonely trip to McFaddens. And what will become of the army of fans of the already departed Tucker Carlson? Will P.J. O'Rourke do the honorable thing and claim them as his own?

Only time will tell. Nevertheless, the series finale looms in the future. What will become of our beloved Crossfirers? We have spoilers.

In the Crossfire series finale:

  • Bob Novak, after years of distant longing and heartbreaking setbacks, will, in a moment of redemption, finally get to kiss Dawn. Dawn, naturally, shrivels up and dies of massive internal organ failure right there on the spot.
  • In a fierce battle, James Carville is finally brought down and harpooned to death by Steve Irwin, who had vowed to not let such an abomination live. Irwin is then thankfully killed by the Mother of Grendel, or, as she's known in Washington, Mary Matalin.
  • It is finally revealed that Paul Begala is functionally retarded. He retires from Crossfire to a happy life of wearing water wings at all times and playing with his choo-choo trains.
  • Tucker Carlson returns to the show and is fumblingly boned by David Schwimmer.

Crossfire will be replaced on the schedule with some show called Wolf Blitzer is Burning Up Inside or Wolf Blitzer Can't Lose or some shit like that. Good luck with that, CNN. And thanks for cancelling Crossfire. It's a good thing that you've decided to stop hurting America overtly, and return to your time tested technique of hurting America via Munchausen's-by-proxy.

2 comments:

PK said...

"Wolf Blitzer Can't Lose."

Now THAT'S a reference.

Julie said...

My God...indeed it is. Would they start the show with a shot of Wolf and cohorts synchronizing their watches?