Friday, July 15, 2005

Gratis personae.

Over at The Cleveland Park Mens Club, they've added a new member, The Milkman, a rather well-armed user of the English language. As for the moniker, we're taking it to mean that the CPMC are taking a stand against lactose intolerance. Which is a good thing, because intolerance is usually pretty bad.

Since it's likely that the CPMC will continue to grow and recruit members, we thought, as a public service, we'd suggest the types of additional members that can add unique qualities, specialized skills, and overall completeness to their blog endeavors. Without further ado:

TEN PEOPLE WE HOPE JOIN THE CPMC

1. The Haberdasher--Everything went downhill for men's fashion when they stopped wearing proper hats and that UVA LAX ballcap became classified as "business casual." Isn't it sad that when most people think of the fedora, our next thought is of Matt Drudge? Seriously, we have to steal that look back from that pigfucking fool. (see also: The Guy Who Encourages the Use of Pocket Squares.)

2. The Burgermeister--Shit, yo. I don't even know what it is or how to spell it correctly. All I know is that it looks dope on a business card. If it just can't be done, I'd settle for The Beadle.

3. The War Correspondent--He's loved his way from Baghdad to Grozny and back again. If you need someone to find a translator in 24 hours to make that hazardous Tora Bora crossing, tell you which Reuters photographer will put out if you're just too hard up to go another day, or someone to mix you up a bathtub mint julep poolside at the Hotel Palestine, he's your guy.

4. The Cataclysm--Not so much an actual person, but an elemental force of nature that can be summoned and projected at enemies foreign and domestic, anime-style, whenever it is needed. I'm just spitballing here.

5. The Consigliere--Think about it: you've just laid a double-barreled beatdown on some TSA asshat who's been taking a vacation from perspective. Venting is a good thing. But afterwards, it's the Consigliere who sidles up and says: "You calm now? Because it's time to get down to business." Next day, Mr. TSA wakes up wearing a necklace of his mother's toes.

6. Robert Evans--Because fuck it: he's Robert Fucking Evans. He makes everything cooler. If he joined your D&D club today, all the Athens Socialites would be blogging about freaking on some Dungeon Master's bones tomorrow. The Kid stays in the picture, now and forever.

7. The Sommelier--If you have to ask...

8. The Toreador--The Toreador elegantly captures the beautiful ex-pat ennui of the Lost Generation, while simultaneously cultivating the air of authentic romance that can only come from testing one's mettle against primal nature. Sure to melt the heart of that cashier at Wake Up Little Susie.

9. The Croupier--Available for purchase or rental at the nation's finest DVD retailers, and highly recommended.

10. The Gaffer--Because someone could get hurt if all these cables don't get taped down.

AND FIVE PEOPLE WE HOPE DON'T JOIN THE CPMC

1. The Guy Who Wears Flip-Flops: Excuse me. Are you currently on the roster of a professional soccer team? No? Then take those fucking things off. And don't even think of breaking out that hackysack.

2. The Former Castmember of the Musical Cats: Seriously. Haven't you already done enough damage?

3. The Aging Porn Director Who's Written What He Thinks Is A Serious and Legit Screenplay About Growing Up In Queens With His Quirky Family: Obvs.

4. Christopher Hitchens: Fun for about an hour, until you realize that if this guy had been able to keep any real friends he'd have had two-dozen interventions by now.

5. The Astronaut: Oh, God. Because everyone KNOWS that astronauts are scum.

13 comments:

The Governess said...

I was going to make a really crude comment about you forgetting one important position: The Fluffer. Then I remembered my manners.

Blue Fish, Red Pond said...

Nice.
Have you heard Patton Oswalt's bit about Robert Evans?

The Governess said...

(That last comment was really rude of me, by the way. I'm feeling some sort of.... how you say.... guilt? I'm sure there are no plans to recruit a fluffer into the hallowed confines of the CPMC.

Maybe.)

And, PS, I love the Robert Evans bit. Not as much as the apcolypse bit, but holy cow. Did you see Patton when he was in Falls Church a few weeks ago, RL?

dcsob said...

What about the Deus ex Machina?

Blue Fish, Red Pond said...

Yes, I was at Patton's show.

The Deceiver said...

I was not at Mr. Oswalt's area performance.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I know I said your comments on Kwame and Kobe were the best, but that was before I got to THIS little gem:

4. Christopher Hitchens: Fun for about an hour, until you realize that if this guy had been able to keep any real friends he'd have had two-dozen interventions by now.

You ain't just whistling dixie, DCeiver. A friend of mine used to live in the Wyoming downstairs from him and would routinely get stuck in the elevator with old Christopher, invariably stinking of Maker's Mark.

Tommy

The Deceiver said...

Holy crap!

From the makers of THE RING comes...

TRAPPED IN THE LIFT WITH CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS

...before you die...you catch a whiff...mmmmEEEeeeggGGhhhhHH...

The Senator said...

This is hilarious!

Respect back atchya.

Oh, and The Milkman gets his name because he starred in a low-budget slasher film..."The Milkman."

cuff said...

Make it the "bourbon man" and it can pit a sadistic liquor delivery man against a wily old drunk.

Patrick J. Fitzgerald said...

The Wino?

Anonymous said...

I'm with you on the astronauts ... if the Lord intended for man to walk on the moon, then we'd have been given cement feet!

Andre Dunkel said...

Interested. Keep Blogging!