Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Highlights from Hill Hotties 2005

Well, it's the end of July. Time for The Hill to release their exhaustively researched list of sweet Capitol Hill meat, which they're simply calling "The 50 Most Beautiful", probably because last year's "Hill Hotties" just didn't lend the correct amount of editorial gravitas to this venture. Frankly, we sort of preferred last year's crop of the hottness. I mean, once you've welcomed Emily Cochran into your imagination it takes more than a sack of hammers--even the ball peen variety--to dislodge her.

So, right away, we're really disappointed in The Hill. Last year, they provided the online reader with biographical information. This year, they tell us to "find a copy of the paper for short biographies of each." What's the matter, The Hill? No love for the web savvy? And do I detect a lack of confidence in your instructions? "Find a copy" of The Hill? Is that what you think of yourselves? That we'll only read it if we see it laying around? That we don't have faith enough in your enterprise to simply walk in to an establishment where fine periodicals are sold and purchase The Hill? Because you're totally right. We totally won't.

Also, the links don't work. Damn. That's two years in a row, y'all!

Anyway, we're saddened by the disclosure, or lack thereof. But we're cheered by the selections. Yes, there are mildly attractive people at work in public service. Capitol Hill in the summer is typically a forest of fuglified seersucker and hairstyles that look like the Harryhausen claymation monsters that haunted our forefathers' dreams. Kudos to the men and women of beauty, for all they are and do.

Nevertheless, it's not like they're going to give the staff of Tryst a run for their money or something.

On with the hotness.

Meet Kate Michael. She's the number one most beautiful creature in all the government. We can't dispute her natural good looks and simple sense of style. Yeah, we'd crop her to the left of the frame, too, daring the world to try and look past her. Yet we can't shake the feeling that the authors were probably most likely drooling uncontrollably over who they put at Number Two, and only denied that person the top spot because by now it's a total cliche. That person?



I mean, duh. Just the savior of the Democratic Party. And by savior, I mean, the "person who we'll pin our desperate hopes on in the meantime while the party tries to come up with some sort of strategy." But serials, we love Mr. Obama. His "One America" keynote, set alongside Mr. Edwards "Two Americas" spiel, should provide an object lesson as to why who's in power is who's in power. Still, I feel bad for Harold Ford, who made this list last year only to become the Capitol Hill version of Claire Forlani. You don't remember who Claire Forlani is, do you? Don't worry. You shouldn't remember.



For Hanz Heinrichs, LA in the office of Representative Howard McKeon (R-CA), being told he was one of the Hill's hotties a mere seconds before defenestrating himself gave him the boost he needed to go on living.


Dorothy Boger. Wow. This is why people line up to work for Senator Crapo. That and the awesome re-election bumperstickers.



Sweet zombie Jesus! Look at the size of Senator John Thune's hand! Was it stung by wasps right before this picture was taken? Did he defeat Daschle by enveloping him in a warm handshake? Man, oh, man! You better hope this dude doesn't enter himself in this year's Roshambo tournament! All we can say is that it's inspiring to all the kids out there to know that they too, can one day be a U.S. Senator regardless of what playground meanies say about the incidence of cancer in persons with a certain hand-to-face size differential.




Thank you, The Hill, for bringing Ayame Nagatani of Mike Honda's (D-Ca) office into our lives. We won't forget you at Christmastime. But no Top Ten? Sigh.


Keegan Drake, of Representative Tom Cole's office (R-Ok), borrowed last year's honoree Pete Meachum's tie, and we still don't care for it.




Every year, someone on Capitol Hill challenges the boring palette of dull grays that clog the halls of power, and while it's a losing battle...and while maybe violet and robin's egg blue isn't for everyone, we should salute the attempt. Anna Lee Wisehart: you have fought the good fight.



Officer Dan Arayosi protects our elected public servants from freak small craft flybys even as interns fantasize about his uniform falling victim to a seam-ripper of mass distraction.



Hey! The Hill paid Senator Gordon Smith a compliment! We're just pointing this out.


Cory Crowley first made sure to get a new perm before posing for his money shot. Then he dressed in his finest "I'm the official recording secretary of the New Hill East Brandon Flowers fan club" finery.




Our favorite. What makes Greta Hanson so lovely is that she's crushworthy cute while at the same time we can tell by her picture that unlike so many Hill denizens, one can have a conversation with her that isn't completely stunted and abnormal.



Capitol Hill's version of David Boreanaz.



Capitol Hill's version of Jake Gyllenhaal.


Capitol Hill's version of our seventh grade gym teacher.

Dominic Blasi never goes anywhere without his Towering Hat of Justice, which he actually wove from his own hair and about seventeen pounds of pomade.



Representative Charles Dent is always photographed enveloped in a gray mist that clouds the minds of the unaware.



Bettina Inclan of Congressman Diaz-Balart's office (R-Fla) smirks coyly at the camera seconds before being devoured by angry hair extensions.


Jeff Kimbell gets a nod despite the fact that he has extra, vestigial hands growing out of his right shoulder and lower torso.


Still, no matter how hard you try, you still can't touch the original Capitol Hill Supernova of Ungodly Hotness, Carling Dinkler.

49 comments:

catherine said...

awesome. the david boreanaz one is dead on.

Jeff said...

I couldn't help but stare wide eyed at Senator John Thune's hand. You know why he's smiling. The same reason that The Hand is now a firm inclusion in my evening fantasies. The hatless cop guy can come, too.

The Governess said...

this is so my favorite time of year.

it's not just ms. wisehart, by the way. check out the chick in the green suiting. holy wow.

Sara said...

hmmm... I think the Hill women are much more attractive than the Hill men...

Washington Cube said...

It's always been that way, Sara. The men are SO boring.

nm said...

very nice, mr. DCeiver, very nice.

Anonymous said...

DC is an ugly city at its heart if the shotcallers still feel so shitty about themselves that they have to have a newspaper talk the hottest 50 of them up. Instead of the fifty sexiest people, maybe looking for fifty that are intelligent, kind and ethically engaged, as well as fun to be around. That list would be a gem.

Instead, all we get is more pandering.

Anonymous said...

"Instead of the fifty sexiest people, maybe looking for fifty that are intelligent, kind and ethically engaged, as well as fun to be around. That list would be a gem."

Yes, if by "gem" you mean incredibly boring and imperious.

Bring on the hotties so DCeiver can deliver the snark!

Anonymous said...

"...we can tell by her picture that unlike so many Hill denizens, one can have a conversation with her that isn't completely stunted and abnormal."

I didn't see a thought bubble in the photo...

Anonymous said...

Oof... why wasn't Officer Dan #1?

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'll admit that Ayame Nagatani is cute and all, but doesn't anyone else think that photo of her looks like she was caught in the act of zipping up her pants?

James F said...

This post's fatal flaw: the author's own glamour shot is online.

We're all praying for that chin transplant to come through for you.

The Deceiver said...

Jeez, James, your wit just...well...abandoned you entirely right there, didn't it?

Keep bitching about the humidity, man, that's a real fertile ground for trenchant social commentary.

Kate said...

Thank you. I almost started a blog of my own just to deconstruct Anna Lee Weishart's unfortunate fashion choice.

Sad, though, that you couldn't find space for what is either Branford Swann's magnificent combover or valient attempt to mask his fivehead.

Owen Wilson said...

Wasn't Carling Dinkler the dude who hit me in Wedding Crashers??

TechnoBabe said...

just to note, Bettina Inclan (my roommate) DOES NOT have hair extensions. It's all natural, so be very jeleous!

Fluorescences said...

Greta Hanson far and away is number one. She seems real. The hell with the rest of them, some of them look like television news reporters. Well, I'll Nicole Barnes props, too. But it's all about Greta, kid.

Anyone else notice how whitewashed this list is? That surprise anyone?

Anonymous said...

Just a thought about beloved Dan Aranyosi. In fact, I think I can sum it up in two words:
Fire Crotch.

More thoughts: if Google is worth anything, does it tell me that the scrumpdiddliumptious SeƱor Aranyosi played both baseball and football in college?

Anonymous said...

So maybe it's a bad pose, but your comment should be nullified by the fact that Ayame is wearing a skirt.

The Deceiver said...

Florescences, you are totally feeling me.

schuess9 said...

i know some of you think that keegan drake shouldn't be on the hot list, but as a personal friend of him, i have something to pass along. and i quote...
"I know that many of you make fun of me and don't think i should make the list, but it is time for me to accept my fate as one of the hotties on the hill AND as the great ballet dancer i was born to be. Make fun if you must but i could pirouette circles around you all...and i'll look damn sexy doing so."

Anonymous said...

I'm just freaking out a little- my friend sent me this link and I'm going through thinking "Hmm, that guy who worked in my office last summer and the one in the Pelosi office this summer are WAY hotter." Then I scroll down. Boreanaz was an intern in Sen. Baucus' office for awhile when I was there (hottie #1), and Jake Gyllenal works in Pelosi's office (hottie #2). Thank you, Hill. My faith is renewed.

Anonymous said...

James, that glamour shot is Jason's head shot for his professional acting career.

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking Emily Cochran/Greta Hanson sandwich.

With extra mayo.

Asian Mistress said...

I'm sad there was only one asian. Haha.

"...and while maybe violet and robin's egg blue isn't for everyone, we should salute the attempt. Anna Lee Wisehart: you have fought the good fight."
LOVE IT!

VP of Dior said...

wisehart looks like a PAAS easter egg.

and you know what they say about big hands...

Dan said...

Damn, maybe I should go work on the hill...

Fluorescences said...

No, Dan, you should come to Vegas and check out OUR top 50 list.

KOB said...

This was brilliant!

playfulinnc said...

Haaaaaaaaaahahaha.

Dear Santa,

Please send Officer Dan to my house for Christmas.
I have been very good this year, but will save up my bad for when he gets there.
Thank you.

Phil said...

Pretty weak stuff in DC. I will move there next year and win this contest hands down.

Fluorescences said...

Careful, Phil. When you take hope away from the hopeless, society falls apart.

Anonymous said...

Ok, is it just me? None of these people do anything for me. At best, a few of them are cute. At the very best.

Anonymous said...

I personally know Officer Dan...and can vouch for his sexuality - ladies this is one HOT COP!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I personally know Officer Aranyosi, and I can speak for his sexuality - ladies this is one HOT COP - I recommend you buy a piece of his real estate!

Lonnie Bruner said...

Wait, is this serious?

You can't be serious.

Anonymous said...

yes, your first choice is absolutely gorgeous and going just on the implications of her non pretentious looks really shouldn't be grouped with the rest of the wanna be's who are going to be wearing knee pads for the next years of their careers

Anonymous said...

Everyone is HOT at Washington for wasting their time on senseless pursuits instead of working like everyone else hase to. It's good to know that nobodys promote nobodys.

Anonymous said...

"Yes, if by "gem" you mean incredibly boring and imperious."

Wow. On that note, let's call these people what they are. They're not politicos. They're politic-hos.

Anonymous said...

is it just me or does the number one girl look freakishly transylvannish??? Its just spooky

Anonymous said...

Besides the perfection of Senator Thune, this list of "hotties" is a total JOKE. Judging by the author's headshot, I'm guessing he only ranked those in his own league, leaving out the cream of the crop -- he likely couldn't get those people to stop and talk to him, similar to when he tries to buy them a captain and coke at Cap Lounge.

Anonymous said...

Broger woman needs to fix her roots, they're showing. DC is full of ugly people. This list (except for the first girl and one guy who looks like dave whatever) proves it.

Andrew said...

not that i am Mr. Sex Machine, but these folks seem like they're a dime a dozen. If these are the hottest people on the Hill, I'm glad I don't work there.

Anonymous said...

I'm hot stuff! How do I get my picture on there?

Fluorescences said...

Click on the link to visit my blog and read about my little catfight with The Hill about the composition of the 50 Best List.

Anonymous said...

I vote Marion Blakey as this years hottie of the hill! This FAA diva is one babe!

Anonymous said...

Hmm... should we be surprised that while the men vary widely in age, the women all appear to be under 30?

Anonymous said...

The BLIND idiot who sees Marion Snakey as a babe needs to lay off the CRACK!!!

Anonymous said...

Greta is cool. I went to college with her and we would hang out all the time.