Highlights from Hill Hotties 2005

Well, it's the end of July. Time for The Hill to release their exhaustively researched list of sweet Capitol Hill meat, which they're simply calling "The 50 Most Beautiful", probably because last year's "Hill Hotties" just didn't lend the correct amount of editorial gravitas to this venture. Frankly, we sort of preferred last year's crop of the hottness. I mean, once you've welcomed Emily Cochran into your imagination it takes more than a sack of hammers--even the ball peen variety--to dislodge her.

So, right away, we're really disappointed in The Hill. Last year, they provided the online reader with biographical information. This year, they tell us to "find a copy of the paper for short biographies of each." What's the matter, The Hill? No love for the web savvy? And do I detect a lack of confidence in your instructions? "Find a copy" of The Hill? Is that what you think of yourselves? That we'll only read it if we see it laying around? That we don't have faith enough in your enterprise to simply walk in to an establishment where fine periodicals are sold and purchase The Hill? Because you're totally right. We totally won't.

Also, the links don't work. Damn. That's two years in a row, y'all!

Anyway, we're saddened by the disclosure, or lack thereof. But we're cheered by the selections. Yes, there are mildly attractive people at work in public service. Capitol Hill in the summer is typically a forest of fuglified seersucker and hairstyles that look like the Harryhausen claymation monsters that haunted our forefathers' dreams. Kudos to the men and women of beauty, for all they are and do.

Nevertheless, it's not like they're going to give the staff of Tryst a run for their money or something.

On with the hotness.

Meet Kate Michael. She's the number one most beautiful creature in all the government. We can't dispute her natural good looks and simple sense of style. Yeah, we'd crop her to the left of the frame, too, daring the world to try and look past her. Yet we can't shake the feeling that the authors were probably most likely drooling uncontrollably over who they put at Number Two, and only denied that person the top spot because by now it's a total cliche. That person?

I mean, duh. Just the savior of the Democratic Party. And by savior, I mean, the "person who we'll pin our desperate hopes on in the meantime while the party tries to come up with some sort of strategy." But serials, we love Mr. Obama. His "One America" keynote, set alongside Mr. Edwards "Two Americas" spiel, should provide an object lesson as to why who's in power is who's in power. Still, I feel bad for Harold Ford, who made this list last year only to become the Capitol Hill version of Claire Forlani. You don't remember who Claire Forlani is, do you? Don't worry. You shouldn't remember.

For Hanz Heinrichs, LA in the office of Representative Howard McKeon (R-CA), being told he was one of the Hill's hotties a mere seconds before defenestrating himself gave him the boost he needed to go on living.

Dorothy Boger. Wow. This is why people line up to work for Senator Crapo. That and the awesome re-election bumperstickers.

Sweet zombie Jesus! Look at the size of Senator John Thune's hand! Was it stung by wasps right before this picture was taken? Did he defeat Daschle by enveloping him in a warm handshake? Man, oh, man! You better hope this dude doesn't enter himself in this year's Roshambo tournament! All we can say is that it's inspiring to all the kids out there to know that they too, can one day be a U.S. Senator regardless of what playground meanies say about the incidence of cancer in persons with a certain hand-to-face size differential.

Thank you, The Hill, for bringing Ayame Nagatani of Mike Honda's (D-Ca) office into our lives. We won't forget you at Christmastime. But no Top Ten? Sigh.

Keegan Drake, of Representative Tom Cole's office (R-Ok), borrowed last year's honoree Pete Meachum's tie, and we still don't care for it.

Every year, someone on Capitol Hill challenges the boring palette of dull grays that clog the halls of power, and while it's a losing battle...and while maybe violet and robin's egg blue isn't for everyone, we should salute the attempt. Anna Lee Wisehart: you have fought the good fight.

Officer Dan Arayosi protects our elected public servants from freak small craft flybys even as interns fantasize about his uniform falling victim to a seam-ripper of mass distraction.

Hey! The Hill paid Senator Gordon Smith a compliment! We're just pointing this out.

Cory Crowley first made sure to get a new perm before posing for his money shot. Then he dressed in his finest "I'm the official recording secretary of the New Hill East Brandon Flowers fan club" finery.

Our favorite. What makes Greta Hanson so lovely is that she's crushworthy cute while at the same time we can tell by her picture that unlike so many Hill denizens, one can have a conversation with her that isn't completely stunted and abnormal.

Capitol Hill's version of David Boreanaz.

Capitol Hill's version of Jake Gyllenhaal.

Capitol Hill's version of our seventh grade gym teacher.

Dominic Blasi never goes anywhere without his Towering Hat of Justice, which he actually wove from his own hair and about seventeen pounds of pomade.

Representative Charles Dent is always photographed enveloped in a gray mist that clouds the minds of the unaware.

Bettina Inclan of Congressman Diaz-Balart's office (R-Fla) smirks coyly at the camera seconds before being devoured by angry hair extensions.

Jeff Kimbell gets a nod despite the fact that he has extra, vestigial hands growing out of his right shoulder and lower torso.

Still, no matter how hard you try, you still can't touch the original Capitol Hill Supernova of Ungodly Hotness, Carling Dinkler.