Tuesday, August 23, 2005

DCeptette: Red Ships of Spain Version

  1. So, Ted Leo and the Thievery Corporation are teaming up with others for Operation Ceasefire, protesting a war that's long since been launched and that we've more or less lost. Countering that will be our local September 11 festivities--and yes, it seems to me that I am doomed to spend the rest of my days with September 11 serving as some crass and half-assed Hallmark holiday. But I have to say, the Freedom March-culminating-in-Clint-Black-concert has a certain sinister brilliance. To wit: the armed forces continue to have a devil of a time signing up new recruits. Standards for consideration continue to plummet. So everyone who shows up at the Pentagon will have to REGISTER to participate in our Soviet-style march. Uncle Sam will have the names of a few thousand people on hand ever after, people who they at least know can and will WALK somewhere. That's gotta count for something. For those of us who'd like to bring back the draft so some privileged motherfuckers can go die for our permanent Sharia-law babysitting job, I'm afraid to say that we're out of luck again. Word around the campfire is that everyone in the upper tax bracket who shows up for the Freedom March will be escorted to the Clint Black gig in Swift Boat Veteran for Truth driven golfcarts, wherein they'll receive pure funnel cake through an IV drip and be given the opportunity to sign their sons and daughters up for free pilonoidal cyst implantations. Freedom: it's just another word for you common folk can go and suck it. (DCist)
  2. Memo to Big Yawn: Jenny Toomey of the Future of Music Coalition was the co-founder of SIMPLE MACHINES. Not SECRET MACHINES. SIMPLE MACHINES. First you fact check. Then you edit. Then you proofread. Then you post. (Big Yawn)
  3. Ouch. Everyone who pretended to like you is gone. (CPMC)
  4. So Bill Frist, needing some fundamentalist butter to go on the other side of his stem cell toast, endorsed the teaching of "intelligent design", saying: "I think today a pluralistic society should have access to a broad range of fact, of science, including faith." Guess what, Senator Inept Buffoon? This pluralistic society DOES permit access to broad range of crackpot gabble like intelligent design! Why, anyone who wants to learn about Creationism can seek out some addle-brained mystic to teach it to them! And you know what? I'd wager such teachers are EASY to find, and the lessons free of charge! So I don't think that one thin dime of my taxes needs to go to employ teachers to disseminate this knowledge. Why pay for the Jeebus juice when you can get it for nothing? (1115)
  5. So Gwendolyn Hemphill, the former executive assistant who helped bring utter disgrace upon the Washington Teacher's Union, is on trial, and her lawyer, Nancy Luque, has a novel defense strategy: painting her client as being too stupid to even participate in an embezzling conspiracy. But, shit, Hemphill makes me wish I was as stupid as she--who wouldn't, when the take-home swag--plasma TVs, free food, and $29,000 worth of free dental impants (that deserves a ?!?, doesn't it?). You know what, though? The defense might be onto something. Unfortunately, it would appear that Luque is every bit as dumb as she makes Hemphill out to be. Check out this quote from Luque: "Mrs. Hemphill's job was to do what Ms. Bullock told her to do. She used her authority and her intimidating behavior to get people to do everything she wanted them to do...I pity the fool who has the nerve to ask this woman about her spending." I pity the fool? You know, I haven't sat down with my beloved Lawyer-To-Be Shayna and officially codified the official DME Guide to 100 Sure Signs Your Lawyer is a Dipshit yet, but I assure you, in the Top Ten will be: "Do not hire a lawyer who peppers litigation with fucking quotes from Mr. T!" Also, avoid bad Cochran-esque rhymes: "What evidence did you hear that makes you think a well-respected member of the community would turn on a dime to a life of crime?" That shit doesn't even scan! (Post)


Anonymous said...

The Hemphill thing is that much funnier when you see that the lawyer spouting the Mr. T quotes and Cochranisms looks like this:


Washington Cube said...

Funny post, and yes, the attorney is the ultimate white woo-man. Here's some more Mr. T quotes she can fall back on:

"As a kid, I got three meals a day. Oatmeal, miss-a-meal and no meal."
- Mr. T

"I believe in the Golden Rule ? The Man with the Gold . . . Rules."
- Mr. T

"When I was growing up, my family was so poor we couldn't afford to pay attention."
- Mr. T

"It takes a smart guy to play dumb."
- Mr. T