Friday, September 09, 2005

Katrina 100: 007 Gale force justice.

While hurricane aftermath has thus far dominated the news, it's important to not lose sight of the other big story--the death of William Rehnquist and the resulting opening on the Supreme Court. As John Roberts gets shifted over to serve as a Chief Justice candidate, plenty of people want to know--who will be Bush's next choice for the Court? Will it be Alberto Gonzalez, who he hinted at during his last cabinet meeting? Will it be one of his controversial judicial picks? A lucky lady pulled from his endless supply of circuit court judges named Edith?

This is a time for speculation in Washington, DC. Well, at least in those lame places in Washington that actual Washingtonians avoid because the speculation is boring. But for once, we're not going to speculate. We're not going to dither. We're not going to sit around weighing the pros and cons of unnattractive people in long black robes. We're going to offer our advice, because, in a time where the floodwaters of strict Constutional constructionism are being held back by the levees of judicial activism, it's pretty crystal clear who George Bush should nominate to the Supreme Court.

Hurricane Katrina.

Seriously. Hurricane Katrina is easily the best possible choice Bush can make right now. At the moment, Katrina is what could possibly wreck his Presidency. One thing Bush has never shown much deftness for is turning his political rivals into his political teammates. If he taps Katrina for the SCOTUS tomorrow, it will be a sensation. All the critical memes being tossed around in the news will go right out the window as every reporter in the country goes running for their rhyming dictionaries. Overnight, he'll have turned the thing we have come to fear the most into an agent protecting us from fear. Katrina will be an ally in the war on terror, a bulwark against evildoers. The entire media paradigm shifts in his favor.

When you think about it, Hurricane Katrina has everything you could want in a Supreme Court Justice. Viewed in macro, Hurricane Katrina seems, ultimately, as fair and as principled as one can get. Her rains, after all, did fall upon the just and the unjust alike. Who can argue that Katrina's not going to bring an open mind to the bench? At the same time, however, Katrina's judicial record is coded in a way that will appeal to the Republican base, who understand that an unjust person is simply someone too poor or too lacking in political connection to escape the rain in the first place.

As far as rolling back civil rights laws--a key element of contemporary Republican politics--you need only take a look at the faces of the many people who have been displaced by her floodwaters to know that Katrina stands shoulder to shoulder with the Republicans on the issue of racial equality. And you can bet the house that as far as Justice Katrina goes, there'll be no ruling against Gitmo, she's got a long and capable history of keeping innocent people locked up in shitholes for prolonged periods of time.

Hurricane Katrina's nomination would be welcomed with cheers and huzzahs by the religious right as well. She's clearly anti-gambling and against any form of pre-marital sex or sodomy. Best of all, the Christian version of al Qaeda has already treated Katrina with effusive praise for her clear anti-abortion stand. Looney evangelical leaders of all stripes will be comforted in the knowledge that Katrina will be a justice that will overturn Roe vs. Wade without question--which is ironic, considering that when Katrina blows through your town, most motherfuckers are pretty much stuck either rowing or wading.

There are so many good reasons for Bush to tap Hurricane Katrina as a Supreme Court justice that we're frankly stunned it hasn't happened yet. No Senator is going to trip up her confirmation process with mere questioning, that's for sure, and if she gets the nomination, you'll see the media back off from criticizing her immediately because none of them will want to be denied access. But best of all, Hurricane Katrina closely resembles the thing that George W. Bush loves best in all the world:


Anonymous said...

9/11 Build Bushville, DC

On 9/11 survivors of Katrina will perform an act of NONVIOLENT Civil Disobedience by setting up camp on the Washington, DC Mall.

Bushville, DC will remain as long as it takes to get answers and change.

Visit and spread the word.

We will camp on Bush's doorstep and make him face us every day until he is driven from power.

Push this website hard, please. Help make history. We are contacting as many local activists as we can.

Rhinestone Cowgirl said...

EXCELLENT. Just bloody brilliant.

Winter Sorbeck said...



Rowing or Wading. Ha! It's been five minutes since I read the post and that line is still making me laugh.

rj loop said...

Some problems I forsee:

1) Katrina got where it is today by a route that led straight through the carribean. We can't have foreign law infecting our judiciary.

2) Katrina knocked down Trent Lott's house. It is rumored that Abe Fortas keyed Edwin Muskie's Buick, leading to his failure to be confirmed in 1968. If you want to be confirmed, mess with property of the *minority* party.