Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Katrina 100: 014 March of the covert marine mammal battalions

So the latest thing is that Hurricane Katrina has freed the Navy's secret fleet of weaponized dolphins. According to the London Observer, this 36 member pack of dolphins have been trained to use dart guns, and were housed, inexplicably, in "training Ponds near Lake Pontchartrain."

Now, forgive us if we think the notion of a Dolphin Army is, as they say, totally hotshit awesome. For everyone who's ever dreamed of a world in which sharks with fricking laser beams on their heads do our bidding in the global effort to do whatever the hell we're doing, dart-gun wielding dolphin mercenaries are a vital step in the process. And, like the caption says, I think the term "cetacean death squad" carries with it that certain je ne sais quoi that fits in with and expands our understanding of the batshit crazy times we livin' in. Let's face it: when aliens discover the wrecked remnants of our civilization, do we want them to carry on for years wondering what the fuck happened to us? Seems to me that if they have the opportunity to exclaim: "Holy shit! These guys trained dolphins to fight wars with dart guns!" it's going to save those alien researchers a whole lot of time drawing the correct conclusions.

Sadly, rumors of dolphin warfare have likely been greatly exaggerated. Snopes is still looking into this, but right now, they've got this rumor catagorized as a "Probably Not."

What if we were able to turn this Probably Not into a "Hell yes?" Let's take a brief look at the pros and cons.

PROS

  1. The only terrorist who could defeat our dolphin army is Aquaman.
  2. There's no doubt that teaming Jack Bauer up on 24 with a counter-terrorist dolphin would be the cutest fucking thing ever.
  3. What enemy wouldn't be intimidated by the average dolphin's forearm-length wang?

CONS
  1. Left-leaning dolphin war heroes with amputated fins would probably still lose Georgia Senate race to shitheads like Saxby Chambliss.
  2. Are we really prepared to see these adorable sea creatures in photos abusing Iraqi prisoners?*
  3. It's only a matter of time before some poor mother of Flipper's camped out in Crawford, Texas yelling in that pip-pip-pip dolphin language about how her son died for a lie, surrounded by protestors ladling sea water onto her blowhole.

*This would be a good time for a Photoshopping Friend of DCeiver to mock up a great picture of a dolphin version of Lynndie England. Just sayin'.


5 comments:

PK said...

And somehow, I doubt these are average dolphins. Intimidation indeed...

Anonymous said...

God bless you for that 4:11pm guffaw I really needed.

Anonymous said...

I hope they don't go "Deep Blue Sea" on our asses...

Anonymous said...

wasn't there a story a few months ago about a navy submarine conducting underwater sonar tests that drove a whole slew of dolphins ashore to die? could these items be related in some way? perhaps there was a dolphin assassin insurrection and the navy was sent in to kick some dolphin ass?

DCepticon said...

Have we learned nothing from George C. Scott.