Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The Pompatus of Lost: Episode 2.1- "Booby Hatch"

Some of us blogger types like the Lost, baby. Tonight, we pick up from where it left off last year (or in my case, last Saturday) and meet the dude that lives in the hatch. It's not Richard Hatch. It's not Orrin Hatch. It's Desmond, a mysterious Aussie from Jack's past. Everyone has a mysterious Aussie from their past. I know I do. Ol' Desmond's been lurking down the hatch, chilling, riding his exerbike, shooting himself up with meds, listening to his Cass Elliot LP's, and just being a dick.

What's up with Aussies being dicks on this show? Here you go, Jack's dad, have some more demon liquor. Fuck you, Sawyer, we're deporting you. Sorry, Kate, we just have a thing for betraying confidences. No, we won't move our island any closer to Los Angeles so your fix will last the entire flight Charlie. I spit on your guts and fortitude in the face of adversity, Locke. Dicks dicks dicks. Claire's the only Aussie on the show that's not a total dick, and they probably want her on that plane just because she won't go along with the whole dick hegemony. Maybe that's what Lost is about: it's JJ Abrams saying, "Yo. Don't be fooled by the slaphappy music of Men At Work! Them Aussies be mad dicks."

In Desmond's case, it seems that one evening, long ago, while he and Jack were trying out for an independently produced Under Armour commercial, Desmond put the mad whammy jammy on Jack and gave him the power of promise. Jack goes back to to check on Julie Bowen to tell her her back's busted and that Ed's never coming back from permanent hiatus. Sure enough, motherfuckin' Jack be all: "I'm sorry but I'm just thinking of the right words to say." And Julie's all "I know they don't sound the way you planned them to be." But then, Julie Bowen's all leg tingly! And then pathos ensues. And then they're all, "Let's get married." And Matt Foxy gets rid of that awful haircut. And ever since, Jack's totally been Mr. When You Are In Doubt Or If You're In Danger Take a Look All Around And I'll Be There.

Except, of course, you happened to have left last season as a member of the Rainbow PUSH Oceanaire Club and Rafting Society Unlimited. I'm a little pissed that we didn't find out what happened to those cats, who, if you recall, ran afoul of the Stevedores of the Damned aboard Scuffy the Evil Tugboat. The only shout-out they get is when Shannon "I Ain't Sayin' She a Golddigger" Rutherford goes out in the woods with Sayid looking for Vincent Van Dog, only to run into the ghostly image of a dripping Walt, who's trying to tell Shannon that he's trapped on the soundstage from Twin Peaks, which gets the thoughtful response, "WAAAALLLT!?!" from Shannon. Walt then replies, "The owls are not what they seem." And Shannon's all "WAAALLLLT?!?" And then Sayid shows up to ruin the moment, thus preventing any further interrobanging.

Meanwhile, back at the Hatch, Jack and Locke and presumably Kate end up down in Desmond's hidden geodesic chamber of antiquated computer equipment, where he and Jack are face to face and gun to gun. Desmond is in the unique position to answer some of the lingering questions from last season, so, with that in mind, look for him to die before the second act next week!

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