Previouslies: The castaways all put messages in a bottle for the Rainbow PUSH Oceanaire Club and Rafting Society Unlimited to take with them on their ill-fated journey out to sea, where they ended up as the captives of the Desert Island Dicks, headed by Adebisi and Ana Lucia, who may, as it turns out, have a bigger cock than Sawyer and his Dangerous Hair.
The scene opens in the larder of Desmond's Hatch on the Isla de Encanta. Hurley is revealed, he's in the process of getting blown away by all the food. He starts tucking in, downing Apollo bars, potato chips, steaks. Apparently, at one point, Walt's picture appears in a "Missing Child" ad on the back of the milk carton. This should clue you in to the fact that this is a dream sequence. But if that doesn't do the trick, Jin enters and starts speaking English. Good English. Not Engrish. And then Hurley starts speaking Korean. And the chicken from Hurley's old fast food job is there, too. So this is a dream. "Everything is going to change," Jin says, "Have a cluck-cluck-cluckety day!"
Hurley is dreaming because Hurley is asleep at the Execute Button. Now, some of you factual killjoys have pointed out that the computer is actually an Apple II or something, which is too bad, because the Commodore 64 was always my idea of a shitty computer and it just flowed better through my typing fingers. But that's ruined now, so I'm rechristening the computer. Please leave your ideas for the computer's name in the comments box. Awesome. Kate wakes him up and Hurley types in the cursed numbers. And like I thought, this new stage of living la isla loca has brought in the very outside-world shittiness that befouls our days here in the real world--tedious, menial jobs. I bask in that prescience, since later on, we'll find out I was very wrong about something else.
Meanwhile, over on the Desert Island Dicks side of the island, Sawyer's hair is looking parched. Michael is still sick with the need to let out to find Walt. Sawyer wants him to shut up. Jin can't speak English well enough to tell him that Malcolm David Kelley's reworking his contract and just won't be appearing on as many shows this year. There's a commotion and the top of the cage opens--it's Adebisi, and he wants the Rainbow PUSH Oceanaire Club and Rafting Society Unlimited to climb a rope out. Sawyer can't truss it. Ana Lucia orders them out at gunpoint. Jin and Mike do as they are told, if only to avoid getting caught in the thicket of brandished cocks between Ana Lucia and Sawyer. Sawyer tells Ana Lucia that he isn't coming, but she cuts him off by slamming the cage shut mid-sentence. Sawyer gives her a new nickname: bitch. Wife of DCeiver totally concurs.
We return from commercial to a flashback of the Season One DVD's. Hurley is winning the lottery and falling to the ground in a dead faint. Ma Reyes comes in, concerned, bitching at him, telling him he eats "basura"--"trash." The writers threw that piece of Spanglish in because they knew most white people would recognize it, seeing as it's the only word they use to communicate with the people that clean their offices at night after they go home. The cleaning people come in around six, looking for all the piles of crap labeled "BASURA" and they throw them away, then they go home and find out that the apartment building they live in is going to get razed so that condominiums of similar quality but seven times the cost are going in their place and that they are going to have to pull their kids out of school and move to a shittier neighborhood, only this time they won't be as quick to clean up the graffiti because they know when they do the fucking real estate speculators will move in and price them out again, to the point that they wonder with rueful irony whether they should take all the "Basura" signs personally. Actually, I'm sure that the writers of LOST didn't intend this moment to be a guilt-inducing class-war grenade. But I do. Anyway, Hurley doesn't show mom his winning lottery ticket. And so, once again, keeping it real is about to go horribly wrong.
Back on la Isla, Charlie is interrobanging Hurley about the hatch. But Hurley won't offer up more than vague details, which pisses Charlie off. Using Claire's baby as a prop to get what he wants--which is so fucking suburban by the way--he pleads, "Don't lie to the baby." Oh, but Charlie...aren't we lying to the baby right now? Ave Maria, and all that? Put it this way: Hurley--just tell Charlie you don't remember any details of the hatch because you were getting stoned. He'll understand.
Hurley comes upon Rose, who's doing laundry and singing spirituals because even though Jack's been an effective leader, he hasn't had the time yet to call the state legislature into session to ratify the 13th Amendment. Let's all hope that Walt's rescue doesn't end in the retrying of the Dred Scott case--although I'd trust my fate to a court from the Isla de Encanta a lot sooner than I'd trust out current Supremes--and that's even if you packed the island court with evil Stevedores and a bag of Arzt's judicially active remains. Rose doesn't seem interested in the hatch, and Hurley correctly surmises that her lack of abiding interest makes her the perfect candidate to help him with his hatchy mission. So they go.
Meanwhile, Claire, who has dropped her pregnancy weight like it was hott, is strolling up the beach--as if 48 hours ago they weren't all fleeing to the rape caves to evade the coming of the Others. You know. The ones that may or may not have played a role in kidnapping her baby? Anyway, she's all lah-dee-frickin'-dah until she comes upon a bottle floating in the surf. It's the bottle they castaways put messages in to give to the Rainbow PUSH Oceanaire Club and Rafting Society Unlimited. Claire recognizes this as potentially bad. Ever notice how Sting always sang "message in a bottew" instead of "message in a bottle?" Sigh. Sting sucks so much.
Back at the hatch, Jack has allowed Hurley to bring Rose on board as an official Hatcharian, where she'll help Hurley catalog and inventory the food and plan for its rationing. We learn that Rose's husband is named Bernard, and I begin to strongly suspect that a character named Bernard sounds more like something Sam Anderson might play instead of Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje. Hurley doesn't want any part of food rationing because he knows from experience that people will be angry at him and hate him. Kate comes in and helps herself to some shampoo. "This is how it begins," Hurley says, unintentionally referencing Wild Palms.
We flash back to Hurley at Mr. Clucks, where he's angsting over the lottery ticket and unable to fully open up to his friend DJ Qualls. Hurley is called into the boss' office. His boss, who is played by the same actor who played Locke's boss in the Locke flashback, plays a little game of audience misdirection, "Is there something you want to tell me, Hugo?" Hurley, who knows the lottery ticket in his pocket entitles him to quit his job, does so. DJ Qualls quits along with Hurley in solidarity. Are you wondering whether Qualls enthusiastic support might turn to resentment when he finds out that Hurley's swimming in tall dollars while he has to go back to a fast food career? Let's step back inside the Mr. Clucks to ponder that. Because it looks like rain is coming. A rain of anvils.
Back at La Isla, Charlie is arguing with Locke that he should be entitled to know about the Hatch, Jack and Sayid are looking for the source of the hatch's weird magnetism, and Ana Lucia and Sawyer are having a spirited cockfight. Wife of DCeiver would like to express her thorough disdain for Ana Lucia. "Even Sawyer is too good for her," she says. Our BFF Elissa, who's joined us for the Losting this evening, adds, "At the airport bar, she drank tequila and tonic! Who fucking does that?"
Locke tells Charlie that Hurley is in charge of all the food they found in the hatch. You can basically see Charlie process this information in terms of Hurley's relative girth and make the "good grief" look. Now, you know what this is? It's prejudice. Wrote a paragraph about it. Wanna hear it? Here it go: We've seen Hurley already take charge of everyone's feeding. He's turned down food himself on two occasions. He made sure pregnant Claire got an extra helping of airplane food. So, for Charlie to reach any conclusion other than this food situation is in capable hands is BS. Hurley built these ninnies a freaking golf course, man. It's just as safe to conclude that he wants to build Kitchen Stadium up in the rape caves, now that he's secured a bunch of secret ingredients that aren't wild boar. Iron Chef La Isla de Encanta would get pretty boring if the secret ingredient was always "WIIIIIIIIIILLLLD BoooOOOOOAAAaaaAAR!" Now he's got all kinds of shit to work with--I'm guessing Locke and Sun -- the Constant Gardener -- would be the Iron Chefs.
- Apollo bars
- Danger Hair
- Crippling personal insecurities
- Remnants of Arzt
- Wild Boar (Hey, once I try something and like it, I'm the type of lame who just orders it every time.)
Charlie has what his countrymen would call a "row" over the hatch's food. Once again, mommy Claire and baby Aaron are invoked for maximum manipulation. Hurley refuses to budge, so Charlie accuses him of being "management"--the "Man" in charge. Oh, but we're sort of in charge of something ourselves, aren't we Charles?
"Charles. Charles in charge. Of our horse, and our smack! Charles, Charles in charge. Hiding chiva from Jack!"
We leave Hypocrisy Beach for the Hurley flashback, He and DJ Qualls are in a record store, singing Driveshaft's hit tune, "You Are Everybody", poorly. Qualls says: "Driveshaft. More like Suckshaft!" No, DJ. ABC's Nightstalker is the Suckshaft. Hurley, feeling bold, asks cute record clerk Starla--that's right: bitch's name is effing Starla--to go to see the Hold Steady show at the Troubadour. Across town, I can hear the Governess saying: "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" DJ Qualls is dutifully impressed with Hurley showing some sack. Hurley says: "I just wanted to it before..." "Before what?" Qualls asks. Before the plot of Empire Records unfolds here next week, I think.
Back in the Hatch, Jack and Sayid continue to prep for their International Male: Basements of Grime photo-shoot by exploring underneath the sealed Chamber of Secrets. The concrete that blocked their entry topside extends down here, and Sayid remarks that it's not unlike Chernobyl--just to give us one more thing to think about. They hear a strange hissing sound. Jack investigates, and in doing so, stumbles upon Kate, post-shower, wrapped in a towel. This causes every Jater around the world to have a spontaneous orgasm. Not me. I'm a Jater-hater. I'm a Skater-hater, too.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, the Desert Island Dicks and the Rainbow PUSH Oceanaire Club and Rafting Society Unlimited are making their way through the jungle. We meet another one of the D.I.D.'s, Libby. She tells us there were 23--that's right: 23!--survivors. And guess what? They've got a hatch of their own! But there hatch is a sad, decrepit hatch. It's going to need a lot of plastic surgery and make-up for it to become The Swan. And the Rainbow PUSH Oceanaire Club and Rafting Society Unlimited can't help but notice that there are a LOT fewer people than 23 here. Sickness? Others? Stompy monster? We don't know. We meet Sam Anderson, and you Angel fans can smile to yourselves at the Wolfram and Hart mini-reunion taking place between Sam Anderson and Daniel Dae Kim.
Back on our heroes side of the island, Claire and Shannon present a front of unified blondeness to break the sad news to Sun that the bottle sent with the Rainbow PUSH Oceanaire Club and Rafting Society Unlimited has floated back to the Isla de Encanta. She takes the news with trademarked South Korean stoicism, which is more than we can say for Hurley, who's decided to solve his food problems by dynamiting it. We're treated to memories of Hurley and DJ Qualls stealing gnomes and referencing S. E. Hinton novels on the fateful night that the news broke about Hurley's lottery winnings and EVERYTHING. CHANGING. Hurley is confronted by Rose, who tells him that you can't just stick a bunch of dynamite on your problems and blow them up. That's the terrorist way, after all. Americans get faith-based organizations to give their problems blankets laced with smallpox. All better!
Happily, Rose helps Hurley find a third way of solving his problem--pony up all the food at once for one big happy luau. Hurley hands out food to the castaways and before we know it, everyone's aglow and smiling and having a good time feasting. Everyone except Sun, that is. She's seen apart from the revellers, digging a hole to hide the bottle in until such time as she can access the hatch's computer and launch the Isla de Encanta's version of the PostSecret blog.
Over on the other side of the island, the Desert Island Dicks and the Rainbow PUSH Oceanaire Club and Rafting Society Unlimited have nothing to feast on but their grief. But here's where we learn that Sam Anderson is actually Rose's husband, not Adebisi! Oh well, I liked the idea of two people split up on opposite sides whose island experience took them in two different directions. Sam Anderson seems to be no less a sweetheart for all his troubles, while Adebisi's dug down a bit deeper into a hardscrabble survival mode. I would have found a reconciliation with greater contrast interesting, but, whatever, I trust JJ. We close with the camera alit on the beatific Rose. After helping Hurley to think outside his box, she knows her husband's doing his damnedest to get back inside hers.
Next week: The Others and their terrifying shins!