Thursday, October 20, 2005

The Pompatus of Lost: 2.05 -- The Sun Always Pines on T.V.

Previously on Lost: A bottle, containing the castaways notes and a rejection letter from McSweeneys washed up on shore, prompting much concern among the womenfolk. Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, the Rainbow PUSH Oceanaire Club and Rafting Society Unlimited got thrown in a hole by the Desert Island Dicks. But when they were finally released to visit the Desert Island Dicks at their Hatch of Sadness, they discovered that they were really the Desert Island Dead.

Love. We take it as an article of faith that love will keep us together. No matter what kind of weather. And if some black smoke stompy monster comes along, doing us wrong, you just have to stop. Stop looking for your wedding ring, that is. Sun and Jin are the focus of this episode. They are separated by time, distance, and recent marital troubles. But the island, as Locke would have you believe, just wants you to be happy. The island is just misunderstood, is all. You just need to lay back and enjoy the island's wondrous life-changing contrivances.

Scene up on Sun and Claire, standing on the beach, staring at the sea. I need to point out again that just a few days ago, the Losties were all a-Hersheysquirt over the coming of The Others. Who were they? Savages? Murderers? Amway salespeople covered in toxic goo? Nobody knew, so it was run to the rape caves. Now, the terror of a few days past is a distant memory, most of the Losties are lolling around on the beach, and Sun and Claire are watching the water--as if a John Millington Synge play might break out at any moment. But just then, Sun realized something that launches her into a panic. Her wedding band is gone!

This prompts a flashback. We go back to Korea, and the recently graduated Sun has returned with her art history degree to discover that her family has become Jewier than ever. Mom Sun is in full Fiddler On The Roof mode, desperately trying to set her daughter up with a good man with plenty of sperm. She's doing the full-on Yenta thing because she's terribly worried that Sun might go from "silver" to "bronze" -- apparently, marriage in Korea involves a lot of complicated metallurgy. Meanwhile, somewhere across the flashbackscape, Jin is talking with a friend about an impending job interview. His friend, who is basically the Korean version of Jonathan Silverman, is reading the horoscope pages if the newspaper. The camera leans in on the page, thus assuring that it will be the Lost Screenshot of the Week and that everyone will hastily try to locate or make Korean friends to translate. Jonathan Daewoo-Silverman tells Jin that his true love will be orange. Jin leaves for his appointment, secure in the knowledge that he'll never worry about scurvy again.

We come shooting out the flashback hole to discover Jin and the other members of the Rainbow PUSH Oceanaire Club and Rafting Society Unlimited, huddling together in the Sad Hatch, wondering what's to become of the precious maidenhead at the hands of the Desert Island Dicks. After a brief convo, Ana Lucia -- still hated by Wife of DCeiver -- makes a pronouncement: they will gather food and water and go over to the Rainbow PUSH Oceanaire Club and Rafting Society Unlimited's side of the island. Duh of the century, y'alls. The Jack side has food, medical supplies, rape caves, and its residents haven't seem to have forgotten that there's this thing called bathing. Seriously, Dicks. Try it sometime. Plus, Hurley's golf course was recently written up in Zagats.

So, the Desert Island Dicks and the Rainbow PUSH Oceanaire Club and Rafting Society Unlimited set off to return to scenic Lostie beach. Basically, seeing Ana Lucia in action, attempting to lead, clues us in that she's basically a Bush administration type of leader, who covers over her criminal incompetence with constant carping about how damned resolved she is. It's clear no one likes her, that she probably ran for Desert Island Dick chapter president on a platform of "9/22". "My opponent is living in a pre-9/22 world!" They had hearing on whether 9/22 could have been prevented, Bernard probably storyboarded a version of Fahrenheit 9/22 on palm fronds and flipped them real fast for Libby to watch. But after all was said and done, they re-elected Ana Lucia because they were afraid of gay marriage. Oh well. Her leadership has clearly been FEMA-tastic.

Back at the beach, Sun is still freaking out about losing her wedding ring. I can totally sympathize with her. I, myself, came within a hair's breadth of losing my claddagh on the first day of my honeymoon. For that matter, I, too have had my spouse handcuffed to a wrecked piece of airline fuselage. And you want to know something else? My wife has no idea whether or not I speak Korean! (I can't. Heh. Little does she know!) Sun's crisis attracts the attention of Jack, whose keen senses can detect a personal problem within five nautical miles. Jack predictably swoops into action, because he IS Fred from the Scooby gang, and ends up telling her that he, too, once lost his wedding ring. What did he do about it? He went out and got a replica made without telling his wife! Dun-dun-dun! There's that germ of deceit that brought on the collapse of his marriage. I can't sympathize with Jack the same way I do with Sun, though, even though he, too, lost his wedding ring. And it's not because I probably wouldn't just telephone the people in Ireland and get a new claddagh sent before my wife found out--I probably would. It's that, unlike Jack, my marriage isn't entirely based on a fucking Coldplay song.

Back on the other side of the island, Jin and Bernard and Ana Lucia are fishing. Ana's all: "Hey, Jin, are you going to help us." Jin's just munching on some sea urchin. Ana's all hating. Jin's silently scoffing. Ana's all: "Fine. Whatever. Don't help." Jin stands up, tosses his net out, and reels in a mess of fish straightaway. "How you like that, beyotch?" he thinks, Korean-steez.

Memories of fish take Jin back to Flashbackistan. He is revealed in the office of a hotel manager. The job interview is to be a doorman at some schmance Korean hotel. Based upon what you see in the interview, the process of seeking employment is vastly different there than it is here. Whereas in America, we take care to appear confident and capable, in Korea, it's important to show up and thoroughly debase yourself. Here we stand on our heads to prove we are the best suited for the job. In Korea, the job goes to whoever can paint themselves as the most unworthy. Many of you probably don't have any understanding of these cultural distinctions, but it just so happens that in my last job search, I had the opportunity to apply for a job with a firm based out of South Korea. My cover letter is excerpted below.


To whom it may concern:

Greetings, your loftiness. My name is the DCeiver, and I am humbly seeking consideration for the position of Administrative Assistant that you posted. I am absolute scum, worthy of nothing more than your constant disdain. As you can see from my resume, I have many years of commensurate experience, and I can state with certainty that in all of the positions I have held, I have learned to be expectorated on with regularity and accept it as a needed reminder of my base existence. I believe I can be a tremendous asset to your company, as I have a good track record of bringing down torrents of icy shame upon myself, allowing my superiors to look like iron-chiseled gods when set against the sticky, broken form of my vile person. Attached to this cover letter are the names of several references, each of whom can speak at great length at my willingness to submit to having my rectum clawed at by jagged, rusty spoons on a daily basis, solely for the amusement of executives. If hired, not a day will go by that you do not enjoy the opportunity to think of me as some half-monkey/half-cockroach creature unworthy of even bathing in your toe-jam.

Sincerely,

The DCeiver

PS: I also know Dreamweaver.


Back on the sad side of the island, Michael is walking with Libby, looking for food and criticizing the way they live. "We've totally got rape caves, you know. And a golf course." Michael says that the Desert Island Dicks have major "trust issues." Uh. Michael. You're one to talk. Hello? Locke? Jin? The burning of the raft? The crying of Lot 49? The way you just assume that the evil Stevedores want to harm Walt? Libby tells him that they do not forage for food any further than where they are. Michael's all, "Huh, on our side of the island, we go inland to get our food, and we have a guy with a bunch of knives and another guy that has percocets and the bass player from Driveshaft (you know, the band that does "You are everybody?"), and a golf course, and a complete development of rape caves with reasonable rent control measures in place." Libby says they do not go inland to forage because "That's where they come from." That was a big mistake.

Libby runs back to tell the others that Mike has taken off into the forest. They surmise that he has gone after Walt, believing him to be the captive of the "Others." Ana Lucia ain't having none of it, and harshes that they had better clear out before the Others find Mike and gets their location out of him. Jin won't go along, insisting that he be allowed to find Mike. Adebisi tries to stop him, only to get punched by Jin. Adebisi returns the favor, then, as if nothing happened, decides that he'll accompany Jin. Adebisi is like the Tailie version of John Locke, apparently. At any rate, with Adebisi and Jin roaming the woods together, this can only mean one thing: the dialogue between the two of them is going to reach Shavian dimensions.

Back at the Lostie side of the Isla de Encanta, Hurley is helping Sun look for her wedding ring, having surmised that Vincent the dog has eaten it. He asks Sun if she comes from the "Good Korea or the Bad Korea." Duh, Hurley--look at how pretty Sun is! Of course she comes from the Good Korea. Obvs. The prospect of sifting through a healthy dollop of dogshit reminds Sun of that time she was set up on a date with Baldy, a Harvard-educated Korean-born man who adopted the sartorial conventions of a James Bond villain. They met at Jin's hotel. Jin, bowing low in base subservience, did not lay eyes on Sun. Sun is totally hating on the arranged marriage thing, but as it turns out, Baldy is as well. Ominously, they drink orange juice. So, they hit it off, and agree to a second date, sometime after Baldy gets back from Moonraking.

We return to Jin and Adebisi, skilled anecdotalists, looking for Mike. Jin's attacked by a boar and knocked to the ground. They discover the corpse of a Tailie. If I'm succinct in this section of the recap, it's solely because I just can't do the torrent of luscious prose that pass between these two men justice.

Sun, frustrated by her inability to find her wedding ring, does a pretty credible imitation of the black-smoke stompy monster and goes medieval on her garden of lifesaving spices. She better be careful, because, man, it seems like Shannon needs some of her homemade asthma remedy every five minutes, doesn't it! I mean, am I right folks? Shannon's asthma: so not dropped like a handful of slaw by the writers! At any rate, her activity attracts the attention of Locke, because as you know, the black smoke stompy monster is Locke's secret island girlfriend. Locke's good at finding things--you figure that maybe if Sun agrees to give up heroin, he'll show her that her ring is up a tree somewhere. Locke tells her that since coming to the Isla de Encanta, he's not lost anymore, and the trick to finding what you need is to simply stop looking for it. He's right, too. That's why, in contrast, I spend a half-hour each day searching for my virginity.

Back in Flashbackistan, Sun once again is able to enter the hotel without Jin seeing her. Baldy, on the other hand, runs into Jin on his way in to meet Sun. Having just returned from making sure the Diamonds Are Forever and that the View was still sufficiently Kill To-able, he's without a saucy boutineer to attract the ladies, and he asks Jin for his. Jin, who's always handing out flowers to people, does so. Baldy and Sun have another great date, and everything seems to be going really well, so we know that somewhere overhead, the Enola Gay is waiting to drop the atomic anvil. And so he does: Baldy confesses that he's just going along with the Anatevka act to mollify his 'rents, that he's actually betrothed to an American Woman. Sun, taking the immortal words of The Guess Who to heart, bails, crestfallen and heartbroken.

Back in the jungle, our two gregarious conversationalists, Jin and Adebisi, enter, having just regaled one another with their respective versions of "The Aristocrats"--Jin's version with the wading pool full of kim chee, three telescoping cattleprods, and twin daughters with no discernable gag reflex having KILLED, mightily. Adebisi tells Jin that he has Mike's trail, and that he knows it's Mike's because the others "don't leave any tracks." Jeez-o-flips! All you hear out of these Tailies is stuff about the Others. The Others, the Others, the Others. They don't leave tracks! They are perfect killing machines! Their supple shins move gracefully and deadlily! Where they poop, beautiful flowers bloom! I'm so effing SICK of the Others! Why don't they just marry the others.

Adebisi and Jin's recent reconvening of the Algonquin Round Table is cut short, when Adebisi hears a noise. Oooh, it's the Others! The Tailies secret dream lovers! I'm guessing that the Others started killing the Desert Island Dicks because they kept coming around at night blasting "In Your Eyes" out of held-aloft jamboxes. Guh! Adebisi and Jin hide in the foliage--it's a wonder that they can tamp down their need speak trippingly to one another and stay quiet--and watch as the Others' beautiful, quiet, deadly calves pass by. As they do, Jin notices that one of them is carrying a teddy bear. After they are well past, they get up and take off after Mike, who was lucky to avoid the Others.

Meanwhile, back in Flashbackistan, Sun leaves the hotel, and the whole Sun/Jin missing each other is starting to get a little silly. Right then, some lowly Korean plebe runs up to Jin. His lowly Korean plebian son has got to go wee-wee, real bad. At the job interview, Jin was told not to let "his own kind," i.e. low-class nobodies, into the hotel. But Jin's heart melts at the sight of this poor child, bladder swollen to the point of bursting--AS BIG AS AN ORANGE (!?)-_ and relents. And, of course, in that way that your boss just ALWAYS happens to walk into the room just as you are climaxing after a lengthy session masturbating with the electric hole-puncher, Jin's boss chooses to walk out at the moment and chastise him for doing so, saying "That child can piss in the gutter for all I care." This pisses Jin off, so he quits on the spot. Ironically, many months later, Jin's boss will be awarded an iPod after willingly submitting to a golden shower proffered by American University students, who, if you haven't heard, are just crazy about pissing on people. That's right, ol' Daniel Lubrano just can't stop urinating on people.

Back on the clean, scat-free sands of Lostie Beach, JJ Abrams finally stops holding out on me and gives me some effing Kate! Sweet sassy molassey! The man knows that a day without Evangeline Lilly's like a day without sunshine! Kate comes upon Sun to talk to her about the lost wedding ring. This is a good sign, because, let's face it, there's no problem we face today that can't be solved with sexiness. But this conversation turns to talk of the bottle that washed ashore. And if you've gone out and equipped yourself with a Distant Early Anvil Alert System, at this point you probably noticed it going off--the ring is buried with the bottle!

Over on the other side, Sawyer and the Desert Island Dicks continue their traipse across the Isla de Encanta. Suddenly, Sawyer can't walk and has to sit down. Ana Lucia gets all snippy, but Sawyer explains that it's important that he establish himself as the red herring with regard to the next episode, so that people think it's plausible that he's going to be the one to die when the series resumes in three weeks. Now, of course, we know that Sawyer's not going to be the one to snuff it, because Josh Holloway was robbed at gunpoint this past week and it came out that he and his wife had recently settled into a house on Hawaii. It's not likely that he'd do that if he were getting killed off. Of course, maybe the producers didn't tell him:

JJ Abrams: Josh! Hey, what're you doing here?

Holloway: Oh! Hey, JJ! This here's my new house! The show seems to be going like gangbusters, so my wife and I decided that maybe we ought to sort of next here for a while.

JJ Abrams: Oh yeah, Josh. Why, I think you just bought the house you'll eventually DIE in.

Holloway: (nervously) Uh, yeah, JJ. I don't like to think of it like that, though. Maybe, the house I'll "grow old in."

JJ Abrams: That's funny. I didn't say anything about growing old.

Holloway: Okay. Just what are you getting at, Hinty McJones?

(pause)

JJ Abrams: "Hinty McJones?"

Holloway: JJ, I've told you, I am terrible at nicknaming.


Back on the other side of the island, Jin and Adebisi have come upon a stream of fresh water. Adebisi has to run back into the woods to find something he left behind--I guess he hasn't gotten Locke's memoranda from the Swan Hatch Offices that as of now, all searches are to be cancelled in the hopes that they will subsequently succeed. While Adebisi is gone, Michael, naturally enters and tells Jin not to follow him. He then runs off. Jin follows, despite the fact that Adebisi hasn't come back. Luckily, Michael's "Find Walt and rescue him from his evil stevedore captors" strategy has still not evolved beyond Plan A: run around haphazardly while yelling at the top of his lungs. This allows Jin, and Adebisi afterwards. Michael wants to keep searching. Jin is all no it's not safe. Michael won't listen. Adebisi tells him he has no idea what the Others are capable of. Michael still insists that he will search. Jin finally says: "You will find him." Oddly, Michael then appears to give up and go with them. I'm confused--are they resolved to try to find Walt despite the danger or are they giving up?

Kate and Sun have uncovered the bottle. Kate, for reasons I don't quite get, starts leafing through the letters. She says she never got a chance to say goodbye. Sun groks she's talking about Sawyer. Across America, Skaters of all shapes and sizes experience orgasm. Sure enough, there's Sun's wedding ring.

On the other side, Jin looks down at his own hand. At that moment, he seems to feel some sort of emotional weight wash over him. A desire to see his wife again? Are he and Sun strangely bonded through the power of Dharma Initiative induced flashback? Nah. It's just that stupid handcuff.

Jin flashes back to Korea. He's unemployeed, wandering the street, and contemplating the water. A girl in a bright orange dress passes by. As he cranes around to ogle her rear, he runs smack into Sun. Now here's a girl for whom I could beat people up on her fathers behalf, thinks Jin. Sun smiles back at Jin, tenderly. There's is a love that could endure anything. Except, perhaps, having to wait three fucking weeks for the next episode.

8 comments:

tom said...

3,453 words

DCepticon said...

Yeah he writes a lot, but it good to know that I am not the only one confused by:

a.) Why did Kate need to go through the letters? Was she somehow channeling Sawyer. Is there nothing left to read on The Island now that Sawyer took his copy of that classic of rabbit snuff literature Watership Down with him.

b.) What exactly made Michael give up on the search? Was it Jin's well structured argument or Mr. Echo's bad mo fo look on his face that said I will knock you on your ass and you'll be back in that chair you prison version of Immanuel Kant.

Good one.

Blogs t r e t c h said...

This may be old news to you, but I just found out that your beloved Evangeline is dating, and wedding ring shopping with, Drive Shaft Smack Hobbit. My world is rocked.

wifeofdcver said...

very nice, but hello?! driveshaft's song is 'you ALL everybody', not 'you are everybody'. let me do your fact checking next time.

ana lucia is still a bitch.

catherine said...

i have to agree with wife of deceiver - ana lucia has gotten on my nerves more than any other tv character of late. her voice is annoying. her leadership style is annoying. and because she is so annoying and flirted with jack in the airport bar, i envision all sorts of love triangles between her and sawyer and kate and jack, and i hate her even more.

musing_mayfly said...

i say we start an "I HATE ANA-LUCIA CLUB"....if the season ended with Sawyer kicking her ass then making her bow like a Korean any time she was spoken to, that'd be good.

jordan said...

my favorite part of the episode is how most of the six non-Rainbow PUSH A-Listers each had a scene with Sun, just so they could still be in the episode...

The Senator said...

DCeiver...how long did it take you to write that?

Please tell me that you write for a TV show. Don't waste your talents on a blog, my friend, you have one of the most creative keyboards in the b'scene.