THE TIP TOPPED
1. Park Police
If you recall my delight many moons ago at finding myself to be fortunate enough to be in the same room with this Baltimore three-piece, you can imagine how I've been hungering for their Ranchero disc. It's fuckin' good. Think Jesus Urge Superstar era power-pop smarts in a record about the open road. The lyrical peaks are witty enough that I'd warn Steve Malkmus that he's been lifted of his thesaurus, and I'll be damned if the music didn't feature summa that unexpected waggle that made the Archers of Loaf so danged good. For DCers, these guys bring their mission to Asylum on October 27. Go pay some heed.
2. Madeline Albright on Gilmore Girls
The hottness. Makes you wonder what show Condoleeza Rice will be on after her time at the State Department is done. I'm gonna guess Three Wishes--tune in and watch Amy Grant watch me break my foot off in 'Leeza's bee-hind. Baby, baby! I'ma taken with the notion!
3. Ted Kennedy
Holey moley! Frickin' Ted Kennedy actually tried to save some motherfuckers from drowning! Good for him--every Catholic knows that faith without deeds is as dead as Mary Jo Kopechne. Now, if Ted would just retake the SATs on my behalf, I'll consider him fully reformed.
4. Allan Houston retires.
Does anyone remember what was it that he did for a living?
5. The Colbert Report
Just one more thing that makes Bill O'Reilly cry like the tweedly little pussy-ass bitch that he is.
6. Reviving old Diner features.
As satsifying as beating yourself off with your "luxury" hand, and nothing to Swiffer up afterwards.
THE FLIP FLOPPED
1. Fiery Furnaces open a new chapter of total suckdom.
They get NO LOVE. And New Yorkers will DANCE. TO. ANYTHING. The fact that Alex Kapranos wasted a track on the new Franz to Eleanor Burgerfries is distresscakes. You could do so much better, Alex.
2. Not getting tickets to SNL this weekend.
When I put in for the lottery this year, I had no idea that SNL would taunt me by basically direct-marketing an episode to me with Franz Ferdinand as the musical guest and CZJ as the host, who, I'm sorry, is hot despite having to be the Douglas family brood-mare.
3. Respect the fucking escalator.
Serials. Have we forgotten the wisdom of Mallrats?
4. How it came to pass that we have forgotten the wisdom of Mallrats.
Maybe it's because Jason Lee went out and named his fucking kid Pilot Inspektor. Think about it Jason: My Name Is Earl equals massive Nielsen love. But what if that shit was called My Name is Pilot Inspektor? Not even you would watch that! I would watch it, as I was forced to admit to Cruel Blogs Are Sommer Than Others last night--but even then, only once, and the whole time I watched it, I'd wonder to myself: "How's this kid going to fill out a fuckin' job application?"
5. Iraqi Constitution
I heard it said that the Constitution is going to diminish the spirit of al Qaeda. Considering that Saddam, in his own psychotic, brutal way, kept al Qaeda the fuck away from his evil domain, I have to wonder what scary-ass shit they're gonna put on a piece of paper to chase the terrorists out of the country now that they're all cooled out on chaise lounges in Mosul and shit. Maybe their Constitution is I Am Charlotte Simmons written in Farsi!
6. Judith Miller to be given the First Amendment Award.
Whereupon I will wipe my ass with a copy of the First Amendment.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
THE TIP TOPPED