Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Cinerama

In The Mix, starring Usher, Chazz Palmentieri
Do you remember how great this story was when it was called The Big Sleep? Or how over-the-top hilarious it was when it was called The Big Lebowski? Boy I hope so, because those memories will be your only comfort if you decide, against all reason, to see the suck-ass version of the story defiling theatres this week.


Just Friends, starring Ryan Reynolds, Anna Faris
What, exactly is to be done with Ryan Reynolds? It's clear that he possesses the sort of devil-may-care comic charisma that would have found him comfortably in the pocket of a movie like Animal House had he been born a few decades earlier. Do we just not make that sort of movie well, anymore, or has Reynolds waged some kind of Hollywood terror campaign that's pissed off anyone willing to use him for something not teetering on the cusp of straight-to-videoville? We may never know, but, hey--at least he's fucking Alanis Morrisette.

Rent, starring Jesse Martin, Idina Menzel
This is the true story of 8 people who live in or around an East Village squat who agree to have their lives changed by setting it to melodramatic MOR rock based on La Boheme. Find out what happens to the cast of Cats when they stop wearing furry costumes and start getting AIDS.

Yours, Mine and Ours, starring Dennis Quaid, Rene Russo
You may scoff, but I, for one, am afraid of the escalating displays of breeding and child-rearing going on in the movies. First Steve Martin drops his Cheaper by the Dozen, now Dennis Quaid officially dry-docks his career comeback with this movie, which expands the onscreen brood to eighteen. We all know where this ends, right? Focus features greenlights Help Me Please Stop My Implacable Semen Before They Explode My Wife's Uterus Like a Water Balloon starring Jimmy Fallon, Kate Hudson, and featuring Hector Elizondo as "The Thing From Within."

Syriana, with George Clooney, Matt Damon
What is the cost of oil? All I know is it only cost me $17.99 to siphon off all the backfat Clooney needed to lose when he finished this shoot. I have enough now to heat my house, to say nothing of the pleasure of grabbing my toy boats and jumping into a bathtub full of Clooney tallow to play Ocean's 12.

1 comment:

jordan said...

i saw rent since i never saw it on stage, just so i could see some version of it and be done with it...never have i been more pissed off to be so repeatedly emotionally manipulated...furthermore, i was sitting next to my mom, and i wasn't drunk enough...

ana-lucia cortez makes me madder though, for the record...