Previously on Lost: Boone uncovered a troubling cache of smack, then plummeted to his death. The Rainbow PUSH Oceanaire Club and Rafting Society Unlimited and the Desert Island Dicks on a grim march to the other side of the island. Ana Lucia=total bitchcakes. So it's no wonder that Jin and Adebisi, who I'll now happily start referring to as Echo, leave her to risk their lives searching for Michael amid the sexy, deadly shins of The Others.
So. Someone's going to die tonight. In preparing a prediction, I decided to think outside the box. I figure that Lost, at best, could run for about five years, tops, before terminal suckitude crept in and the show jumped a Dharma Initiative tattooed shark. But these characters are people we could all potentially enjoy for many years afterward. So, I started to put together a pitch for ABC called Afterlost. I figure it's a short form sitcom--some of the Losties move to St. Louis to live, they open a bar called The Hatch or some shit, and basically get on with their life after the crash in hilarious high dudgeon. Here's one of the scenes I have written. Don't steal it.
SAWYER: Remember that time Sayid tortured me, but it turned out I didn't have the asthma inhalers?
HURLEY: Uh. Yeah, dude. That was messed up.
SAWYER: It was so Sayid, you know! Ha! Ha ha! But, you know what? It really makes you think.
SAWYER: Yeah. [pause] I mean...really think.
HURLEY: Well, look. I've got to run into the kitchen and type the cursed numbers on the microwave or it'll explode. And you know what that means for us.
SAWYER: No Triscuit nachos.
HURLEY: Right. No Triscuit nachos.
SAWYER: Right. [pause] Hey, wait. Remember that time I totally kissed Kate?
SAWYER: So awesome.
SAWYER: But it really. Made. You. Think.
HURLEY: Seriously, dude, the microwave.
As you can see, I clearly believe that Hurley and Sawyer are going to survive the island. So that's how I approached guessing who was likely to die. I took anyone I imagined would not make a good regular on Afterlost, and they became the likely dead characters. Then, I eliminated the actors who are likely to never appear on Afterlost because they'll be moving on to bigger or better things, like Matthew Fox--who'll be a bigger star after the series is done--and Evangeline Lilly--who'll hopefully be working mainly out of my pants. I eliminated the Desert Island Dicks, because that would suck. I briefly considered that Michael Vartan would be dropped to his death on the island from a great height and immediately followed by J.J. Abrams tromping out of the woods, right up to the camera, to say: "See that motherfuckers? I can kill him whenever I want to." But I decided that was unlikely to happen.
So: Walt, because children, let's face it, are like terminal cancer on a sitcom. Shannon, because it's obvious that The Fog is her ticket to the big time. And Jin, because I'm setting Afterlost in St. Louis and everyone knows that the residents of St. Louis hate Koreans who only speak English in dreams.
So, episode. Scene opens with Shannon, sitting alone, sad piano tinkling in the background. SHANNON'S GONNA DIE! Sayid appears, and he has a surprise for Shannon--he's built a gorgeous little beach-sides loveshack, it's candlelit, Pier One interior a stark contrast to the rape caves up in the jungle. You know, the rape caves Shannon once said she was so not going to? Anyway, it's a little shack for huggin' and a kissin', dancin' and a lovin', and wearing next to nothing because Naveen Andrews is as hot as an oven. Sayid is totally happy to see Shannon, but the pistol in his pocket momentarily confuses her. He unholsters his weapon, telling her he keeps a gun around because he "has someone to protect." Apparently, Sayid built the loveshack to be anvil-proof, because the rain of cast-iron outside can be heard loud and clear with Sayid's gun foreshadowing. Makes you wonder why the Bush administration put all those Baathists on permanent administrative leave. Clearly, they are geniuses.
We cut to the Grim Marchers. Sawyer speculates that they are lost. That's the title of the show, so applaud politely. Just then, Echo and Jin and Michael rejoin the group. Echo is stressing, having come close to the Others, and he wants to take off. This leads to brief exposition in which "other [kidnapped] kids" are mentioned. Ana Lucia huffs: "They'll give us our own episode next week. Let's get moving. I am a brilliant leader who certainly won't make a serious error in judgement this episode."
Back at the Loveshack, Sayid breaks a post-coital embrace to go get some water. Shannon is left to marvel at her new anvil-proof digs. Unfortunately, the shack isn't apparition-proof, because just then Walt appears in full Twin Peaks mode, to do more of his backward whispering, this time, telling Shannon: "Maybe I'll see you next year during pilot season, Deaddy McDeaderson."
Shannon freaks, and Sayid comes running back. They argue over whether Shannon saw Walt or if she's crazy, spilling outside. Just then, Charlie comes up. Hi Charlie. Long time no see. Charlie's all: you woke the baby up. Charlie, good fathering is not something anyone on the island has been exposed to--maybe now's the time to go all Promise Keeper on us. But soon Claire wanders up, baby Aaron in tow. Charlie admonishes her for coming in the direction of danger. AARON'S GONNA DIE! Shannon finally slouches off, mad at Sayid for doubting her perfectly sensible story that Walt is appearing to her as a backward-speaking hallucination. They are so broken up. SHANNON'S GONNA DIE!
We make our first trip to Flashbackistan, and it's a Shannon flashback. SHANNON'S GONNA DIE! Shannon is teaching a ballet class, instructing some children, causing my friend Tracy, one of the assembled viewers in the DCeiver household to remark: "Those are some really shitty dancers." One of Shannon's instructor colleagues comments on one of the fathers, a pervy sort that wants her to be an au pair. The moment has significance it seems, but I can't remember how or why. Just then, Shannon gets the news--her dad is at Jack's hospital, and he's dead.
The Unhappy Campers continue their bleak march, and Sawyer collapses. SAWYER'S GONNA DIE! Libby tends to him, doing all she can to avoid pointing out the obvious--that arm is so getting amputated. SAWYER'S ARM IS GONNA DIE!
Shannon has been directed to Walt's belongings, and she is encouraging Vincent to sniff Walt's clothes in the hopes that he can track him down with the scent. Umm, Shannon, that's a yellow labrador. The best you can hope for is maybe a spirited game of tug ending in the slobbery mastication of all of Walt's clothing. Sure enough, Vincent races off and leads Shannon to the place he likes to pee. Sure enough, that's Boone's grave.
We cut to Aaron, who Claire's a'rocking, and sure enough, Locke comes a'knocking. Aaron's wailing away, so Mr. Know It All teaches her about swaddling. This sets up what's sure to be an ongoing new conflict between Locke and Charlie as the two men in Aaron's life. Of course, we know that it has been prophesied that only Claire can raise the child. Not a lot of room for freakazoid former-paralytics turned island mystics or bad Merseybeat smackheads. Claire is thankful for the lesson in swaddling, but she's totally not digging the suffocation Charlie's been providing. She worries that Charlie might be a religious freak because he's been carrying around a statue of Virgin Mary. Of course, Locke knows this means more Kurt Cobain than Antonin Scalia, but he says nothing because, after all, he's Locke.
We return to Flashbackistan. Shannon is at her father's wake. SHANNON'S GONNA DIE!! From behind her, she hears someone say, "Death sucks." And in a moment of delicious irony, we see that it's Boone, newly arrived, his coiffure suggesting that he went eight rounds with Metrosexuality and lost. They repair to Shannon's bedroom--and who can blame them, this is the most boring Irish wake I've ever seen, and I enjoy crashing them. They share some Scotch and some chewing gum, Boone thinks about how badly he wants to hit that, Shannon daydreams about getting an internship with the Martha Graham Dance Company--which in this universe has standards low enough that it might offer internships to incompetent after-school dance camp teachers.
Back on the island, the Unhappy Campers have made their way out to the coast, but Sawyer's faring even more poorly than before. SAWYER'S GONNA DIE! Echo wants to take the Campers back inland. Ana Lucia, however, Cheneys that she doesn't want to expose the Campers to the risks of the jungle just so it's easy for Sawyer. Christ, bitch, look at what Echo's showing you! Impassable rocky crags! I guess Ana Lucia's leadership style doesn't resemble the Bush administration's resolve and "compassionate conservatism" as much as she demonstrates bullheaded idiocy and dispassionate self-centeredness. Oh, wait. That's exactly the Bush administration. Huh. You're doing a heck of a job, Brownita.
Over on the other side of the island, Claire comes over to Locke holding Aaron to thank him, because he has slept peacefully since Locke wrapped him up. Oh, shit! He swaddled him too tightly! AARON'S GONNA DIE!! Locke says he likes Aaron's "smell." So, in addition to surrogate father Charlie, Aaron how has a creepy ass uncle. Speaking of Charlie, he arrives at this moment only to hear of Locke's swaddling prowess and get jealous.
The Happy Campers are picking their way through the jungle as freaky music plays in the background. Ana Lucia, in yet another example of her brilliant leadership that won't possibly lead to anyone getting harmed, is enforcing a condition of total silence. After all, someone might pause to question whether or not she belongs giving orders. It's going to be great when she gets to the other side of the island and has to start living in the favorable conditions Jack has wrought--where they have food and a hatch that's not falling apart and minimal deaths and females whose breasts haven't become all distended and concave.
Well, Michael isn't having any of it. He wants to know why they can't talk. Ana explains what the Others did to their party, and why they can't speak, or smile, or be nice, or take a bath, or help someone who's arm needs to be amputated. It's actually a pretty fair explanation of the terror their group has experienced, but, the Wife of DCeiver would remind you, it "doesn't mean she's not a bitch." Friend Elissa reiterates: "Plus, she drinks tequila and tonic!" Not even Harriet Miers does that.
Sayid, finding Shannon at Boone's grave, makes kindly overtures to Shannon, but Shannon wants nothing less than for him to believe that she saw Walt. So they are still broken up. Shannon heads to Flashbackistan. She's at home, listening to the Dave Matthews Band when she should be listening to the Hold Steady, when she received news that she's been accepted as an intern to the Martha Graham School. Just then, her telephone rings, and it turns out she's a subscriber to Verizon's friends-and-family anvil plan, because it's her landlord on the other line telling her that her rent check bounced. Turns out, Shannon's been written out of her father's will and stepmommy dearest is refusing to give her any more assistance, including the much needed money to go to New York and intern for Martha Graham. It's a pity that Shannon's stepmom didn't die instead of her loving dad, but that's what happens when you show up in Jack's emergency room and he's too busy wooing his wife-to-be with his super Desmond-induced healing powers.
Charlie and Locke are playing at backgammon. Charlie's at sixes and sevens over Claire's parenting skills. And who can blame him? My mother had me after she was in plane crash and marooned on a desert island, where she too lost her memory, was taken hostage by crazy Tom Cruise's even crazier cousin, and given nothing but hallucinatory peanut butter to eat. Charlie kvetches that Claire needs to learn some responsibility. Locke snorts that talk of responsibility sounds really great coming from a heroin addict. Oooh, snap! Of course, if Charlie knew everything their is to know about Locke, he could have done what I would have done and say something like:
"Oh, yeah, Locke. Right. The heroin I found. Right next to where Boone died, right? Hey, Locke, you lose any other members of your little hatch hunting party today? No? Just the one? Well, I'm sure Boone's last words were some kind of moving paean to the Philosophy of Responsibility by John Locke. Hey, that's pretty funny. You know that there actually was a philosopher named John Locke? What a coincidence! I wonder, John, how many of that John Locke's friends died in his company. I can't seem to remember any. Do you? I'm asking you because you know everything there is to know about everything, right? Cause the magic island revealed its wondrous mystery to you, right? And the Black Smoke Stompy Monster is your new girlfriend, right? Or has Stompy stopped returning your phone sex calls, too. Anyway, John, I'm sure thankful for all the fatherly advice you're giving Claire, just, you know, try to keep your hands off Aaron's kidney's okay?"
Seriously. Where is Kate? I'm beginning to think there won't be any Kate.
SAWYERS GONNA DIE!! And Jin wants water, right now, and not just because it's one of the English words he's learned while he was a member of the Rainbow PUSH Oceanaire Club and Rafting Society Unlimited. The guy started learning English while he was out at sea rafting. He's probably got, like, seven words for water by now. But Ana Lucia is crazy. She's all: "Sawyer Sawyer Sawyer! We have got to leave him behind! Remember what happened to Goodwin?" I'm guessing that we'll all have to wait a week to remember what happened to Goodwin. Michael, for his part, could give two tugs of a dead dog's dick about Goodwin, he's not about to leave a man behind, certainly not a man who recently bought a house in Hawaii and has started to decorate for fuck's sake.
So the Happy Campers fashion a stretcher. That's right. They build a stretcher in like, four minutes that's strong enough to carry Sawyer's dead weight over hill and dale. And together, the Desert Island Dicks seem to finally be learning the value of teamwork! Even Ana Lucia is helping out. "Doesn't mean she's not a total bitch," wife of DCeiver reminds us.
Together, they all manage to haul Sawyer's body up a large hill. But when they make the top, Ana Lucia looks around and discovers that something is wrong. "Where's Cindy? Where's Cindy?!" Yes, twenty minutes after enforcing strict quiet, Ana Lucia is interrobanging up a storm. Leaving the viewer to wonder--who the hell is Cindy? My God! This is just like the time that stuff happened to Goodwin! And are those whispers I hear? Shit! CINDY'S GONNA DIE!! CINDY'S GONNA DIE!! CINDY'S--wait. That isn't the death we were promised, is it? Is it? J.J.? Hello?
This is a moment that calls out for calm clear headed leadership, so naturally, Ana Lucia shrieks, "RUN!!" And she pulls out the gun.
Woah. Don't pull that thang out unless you plan to bang.
Bombs over Flashbackistan, as Shannon and Boone meet, umm, somewhere? Shannon appears to be packing or unpacking. Anyway, she's upset at Boone's mom, and asks him if she can stay with him in NYC until she figures out what she's going to do. Bam. Bad news, Shannon. Stepmom anticipated this move and has called Boone back to Cali to a job in the family business. The resentment you see building in Shannon is enough to make any lunacy seem sane--like, say, becoming an accomplished con artist who bangs her own stepbrother? Oh, well, so much for the Martha Graham internship. Shannon and Boone have punched their tickets on flight 815.
Back on Isla de Encanta, Shannon and Sayid are still running through the woods, she in a fruitless attempt to use Vincent as a smellhound, Sayid desperate to get back together with her, if only because he took out an interest-only loan on the LoveShack and he needs to know if their living arrangements are on or off before the housing bubble bursts. Shannon falls and starts weeping. Sayid reaches her, and Shannon finally spills her guts about her severe abandonment issues. Sayid tells her that he loves her and believes her and that he will never leave her. So, now we know: Shannon is totally dead.
Just then, they hear whispers. And Shannon looks over her shoulder and sees Walt. Now we're about to see why Shannon basically has to die. Walt's been trying to get through to Shannon for a few days now, and her response has been to freak out all over the place. Now, Walt clearly is instructing Shannon and Sayid to sit there and be absolutely quiet. Shannon responds by yelling at the top of her lungs: "DO YOU SEE HIM!! HUH!! DO YOU SEE WALT!!" Sayid's all: WTF, totally! Walt's still like: "Bitch would you shut your damn mouth?" Loud ass noises continue to emanate from Shannon's yellhole.
Then, Shannon gets up and goes to run after Walt. She tears off into the jungle and the next thing we hear is a gun report rip out from the foliage. Shannon's been gutshot. Guess by who?
Yeah. Don't even bang unless you plan to hit somethang.
Ana Lucia and the rest of the Happy Campers stumble into frame, and realize that instead of killing one of the Others, they've killed the worst intern in the history of the Martha Graham Dance Company. Shannon's so not moving to the rape caves now. She's so not moving to the rape caves forever.
And by the looks of Sayid's eyes, the Iraqi insurgency is about to break out on the Isla de Encanta.
Ana Lucia's gonna die.
[Next week: They were the best of passengers, they were the worst of castaways. The Tailies Tale is told in the Tale of the Tailies. How did Ana Lucia go from being a bad cocktail drinking, sassy flirt to the biggest bitchcake moron ever in life? Is Echo the Tailie version of Locke, except not as pompous? Why did the Tailies make the decision to stop bathing? And what happened to Goodwin? Dammit! I need to know what happened to Goodwin!]