Thursday, November 10, 2005

Six of One and a Half Dozen of the Other

KISSES AND SUNSHINE

1. Friends of DCeiver making the world better.

That's my pal Caty Borum pictured on the right. Seems like just yesterday she was trying to memorize all those damn colors of Joseph's amazing technicolor "Dreamcoat." Now she's co-producing Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price. Hollatcha, Caty. You should drop me a line and let me know what it's like having goals and fulfilling your potential and stuff. When I read this week that Wal-Mart PR stooge John Marino got tossed from a NYC screening of the movie for attempting to record the movie on his cellphone, we had to laugh. Dude, don't fuck with Caty: she generates static electricity at 1,500 times the normal potency and she can and will mess you up. Trust me. I know. Cheers, Cate. All my friends are naming their daughters after you. Though, to be honest, it's purely coincidental.

2. Evangeline Lilly's LiveLinks commercial.

Makes me want to moisten the television. So hot it hurts me.

3. Super Furry Animals.

They've got the Information Leafblower so giddy that there's no doubt that this will be the week I can finally slip my description of Michael Irvin as a fiendish coke user past his editorial standards.

4. Terrell Owens gets the boot.

Best decision the Philadelphia Eagles ever made. This narcissistic asshole got hit where it hurts. Permanent persona non grata. Major cheddar reduction--and I mean MAJOR. He's got getting eight mills a year from his next team, and his next contract will be so snared up with conduct unbecoming clauses that he'll be on a tighter leash than Hannibal Lecter. And kiss the Hall goodbye, too, son. You done blowed it. You'll have plenty of time to toot up with your boy Irvin, though, so...upside.

5. Mark Warner

This year's George Lakoff.

6. Arnold gets his ass handed to him on Election Day.

Hmm. Guess it is a tumor.


GRIEF AND DESPAIR

1. Terrorists bomb hotels in Jordan.

Freedom-loving people nevertheless resolved in their determination to not comp al-Qaeda's incidentals.

2. Torture.

Mr. Cheney, it just doesn't work. It's ineffective. Look, Dick--can I call you Dick? Dick. I like 24, too. But you and I both know that the world of 24 has presidential administrations that aren't anything like yours! For starters, people are kept from harm on 24. And it only takes them a day to solve huge problems. You guys don't know your own ass from a hole in the ground! I mean, develop a track record of success or something, and maybe we can look the other way, but even then--it doesn't work. Think about it. The Israelis don't torture people, and those guys actually WANT to torture Palestinians for fun! The French tortured Algerians way back when as a matter of national policy. Why don't you ask them how that worked out for them? After all their cars have stopped burning, that is.

3. Liz Phair, Somebody's Miracle

Liz, I actually thought you were onto something when you were trying to just churn out some radio-friendly hits. I mean, I think that you deserve to have a nest egg to retire on, even if pretentious indie nation disagrees with me. But I think now you realize: trying to meet everyone halfway is the same thing as meeting everyone the whole way with an armload of suck-ass and a fannypack full of excuses.

4. The Apprentice, by Scooter Libby

Here's a sampling of what Amazon considers to be "statistically improbable phrases" in Scooter's book: assistant headman, man with the pole, tiny dancer, liquid woman, mountain trousers. He likes Elton John and he remembered Poland! Still, what the fuck are "mountain trousers?" And did you know that Libby mentions "tiny dancer" as often as the author of His Song: The Musical Journey of Elton John? And yet, he's published, and I'm on blogger. Damn right I want him thrown in jail.

5. Trent Lott.

Regarding the "black sites" leak, Lott says: "We have met the enemy, and it is us." Well, no duh, there, Pogo! Side note, those who've met Lott's receptionist say: "We have met the receptionist, and she has a rack worth shitting your own pants for."

6. The day you wake up to find out your former acting teacher is playing Donald Rumsfeld onstage.

First: a seasicky weirdness. Then: you realize that in truth, you saw this coming a million miles away.

4 comments:

Butterstick said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Butterstick said...

This year's George Lakoff.
The chimps over in the zoo's "Think Tank" have let me in on their book group. We all agree that Don't Think of an Elephant is overrated. Many expressed, through poo hurling, that it was a pale shadow of Lakoff's earlier theoretical work in Metaphors We Live By. That and the elephants are a bunch of total bores, utterly ignorable.

p.s. Butterstick is a fan.

Ryan said...

So hot it can hurt your computer too. View their demo.

Blogs t r e t c h said...

Bless you for correctly using that phrase. Every time I hear "Six of one half, a dozen of the other," I little bit of my soul is chipped away. In other news, my soul is apparently made up of something hard that can be chipped.