Monday, January 30, 2006

The 24gasm: 10:00am

  1. You know, it's episodes like this one that remind me of the saying that I like to pass along to the little children of the world, who are growing up in a world that they are trying to make sense of...looking for happiness and fulfillment...trying to carry a little piece of their childhood into their adult years. And that saying is this: An assault plan without Jack Bauer is like a day withotu sunshine. Remember that.
  2. Speaking of, Jack Bauer is held at gunpoint and asked about CTU's plans and again I'm surprised that no one in the 24verse considers outright lying. Just lie, Jack! Just lie, President Logan! Just lie, Secretary Heller's loony-ass son! Just lie! Of course, it occurs to me now that everyone's basic willingness to tell the truth is what keeps the universe of 24 together. If just one terrorist suspect had simply said: "Duluth! The bomb's in Duluth! Please don't hurt me!", the ticking timebomb would have counted down and America would be irradiated and overrun with deadly viruses.
  3. As Derek watches another person take his place as the hostage on the business end of a loaded gun, one wonders--what will the survivor's guilt do to Derek? Besides fuel his carnal passions as he bangs Kim Bauer within an inch of her life, I mean.
  4. So, if we haven't already figured out that the hostage-taking was a huge distraction, we know from Walt's moley actions that this is the case. Dude. How is it happened that our Presidential staffs are littered with moles and crazy first-ladies and drama queens? Every single administration fraught with betrayals and double-dealers and rapidly tilting axes of trust? Makes you wonder what that one Secret Service agent who's been with us since the beginning likes so damn much about the job that he chooses to stay.
  5. CTU loses contact with Jack. After all they've been through, it makes you wonder why CTU just doesn't have a "We've Lost Contact With Jack" protocol that they use. It's one of the things they should have learned by now.
  6. Jack tells CTU that he's in a flank 2 position. And that he'll buy everyone flank steaks. Two flank steaks. Flank 2. A flank 2 postion. Flank you very much. Flanks for the memories. Flanks especially for the memories that this is probably a duress phrase.
  7. President Logan wants to know why it's going to take so long for CTU to get in position for the assault. "Sir, because we need to offer several sixty second shouts-out to our sponsors."
  8. Here's something that bugs me. Why don't terrorists, when they are talking with each other, speak in a normal tone of voice. I understand that when they are on camera, threatening the world, or trying to cow hostages, they need to adopt a vocal affectation that's deep and dark and sinister and dangerous and loaded with dramatic tension. But when they're just exchanging information as colleagues, why do they talk as if they are trying to scare each other? It doesn't make any sense. If you are reading from work, try this: go over to a colleague with instructions or questions like: "I need to have the notes from the last meeting copied and collated" or "Can you proofread the brochure copy" or "When are the materials for the board book due?" But this time, affect the tone of a sinister terrorist. Go ahead and try it. I'll wait. Back? Good! Now, how fired are you?
  9. Martha Logan stuffs the folded up transcript into her bra. I guess her breast is her secret weapon.
  10. For those of you who are outside the beltway, feeling bad the way Walt the Mole is treating the First Lady's assistant, and wonder why she doesn't speak up, you need to realize that these sorts of interactions stem from a long tradition of browbeating underlings that goes on here in Washington.
  11. Kiefer sounds so upbeat in that Mac commercial that rips off the Postal Service. I'm not used to happy Kiefer.
  12. Another protocol that should have been instituted at CTU long ago, by the way: Nobody Goes Into That Computer-Inner-Sanctumy-Room By Themselves Anymore Directive. Because that room is always ground zero for Moley Goodness.
  13. Division Director Samwise asks to take a look at all the transcripts from CTU's contact with Jack, which means this will be a race against time as Samwise reads, looking for the clue that tells him that Jack is being held hostage. Read, Samwise, read! Send an important stay-in-school message!
  14. A striking contrast to the pathetic Washington underlings and their browbeatability is Chloe, who just doesn't care enough about politeness to not get wonderfully short with people. That's just one of the reasons she's Hot Chloe this season.
  15. I love this part where CTU wants to buy time and the President's people say that there's absolutely no way to stall the President's remarks. That's just the craziest thing I've ever heard. Dude, tune in to CNN the next time you're anticipating hearing the President say something intended for broadcast. Presidential speeches NEVER start on time. There's ALWAYS room to stall. You can spend time shaking hands, waving to cameras. You can add back five extra minutes of remarks. You can just fucking sit off camera, drinking a Nehi. The certainty with which CTU was told it couldn't happen just made me laugh out loud.
  16. Jack speaks again to CTU: "And remember, I am in a Flank 2 position. I can't stress that enough. I hope that I can impress upon you the Flank Twoness of my current existence. Flank the monkey. You flank my battleship. Flank MacNamara. Name, flank, and serial number. My serial number, by the way? Two."
  17. The terrorists announce their 60 second deadline, which, as you'll see, won't be bound by the supposed real-time constraints of the show.
  18. And, just in the nick, Samwise scoots downstairs and tells everyone that he's solved the Flank Two mystery! Then, just to show that he's the man, he sacks the Georgia Tech quarterback on the last play of the game.
  19. Another protocol that should have been instituted at CTU that we'll keep a close eye on this season: The "Everytime Our Field Agents Walk Into an Otherwise Anonymous Looking Los Angeles Office Building Everyone Always Ends Up Getting Killed" Protocol, that stipulates that otherwise anonymous looking Los Angeles office buildings will always be entered by three staggered waves of field agents so that everyone that Jack takes with him has a fighting chance of making it out alive.
  20. Discuss: if you could go back in time and make sure Sean Astin was cast in The Lost Boys instead of Corey Haim, you would totally do that, wouldn't you?
  21. Also discuss: wouldn't it be awesome if Connie Britton was part of the evil masterplan, like uber-blonde Muslim terrorist from the second season?
  22. Another protocol that should have been instituted at CTU: The Since Everytime Jack Bauer Gets Arrested It Turns Out To Be A Really Bad Idea Even If It Seems Like The Right Thing To Do At The Time Let's Stop Arresting Jack So That People Don't Keep Dying Unnecessarily.
  23. What the fuck is this shit? Nerve gas? Gosh. After everything we've been through with this show, nerve gas seems so prosaic. But I have to ask, why the fuck are they storing nerve gas at the Ontario airport?
  24. You might feel bad for Martha Logan, who is assaulted and chloroformed by Walt the Mole, but trust me, there isn't a Presidential advisor in history who hasn't at some point wanted to do that to the first lady.

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