Monday, January 30, 2006

The 24gasm: 11:00 am

  1. So, the terror attack at the Ontario airport is thwarted, but of course, only we know for certain that the whole thing was a big distraction, and now the fake hostage has taken the terror handoff and has avoided detection. Some questions: how is it that Jack didn't take more immediate steps to corral that guy? How did he slip past CTU in the first place? And, given that the Ontario airport is about 35 minutes on the I-10 to central Los Angeles, is it all realistic to expect the CTU guys to get back to headquarters by the time this episode is over?
  2. I guess that Los Angeles SWAT teams aren't a very tight knit bunch, otherwise they'd recognize the fake SWAT team on sight. As it is, the terrorists cart their nerve gas out of the airport after briefly checking in with the authorities to say, "Yeah, hey! We're the SWAT guys that were covering the other side of the airport where nothing was going on! Don't worry, we made sure that nothing that wasn't already not going on didn't start!" Puzzled by the heavy dose of double negatives, the terrorists escaped.
  3. Watching Curtis swing into action, I realize then and there that when people consider whether a career in Federal Law Enforcement is right for them, there's one perk above all the others that stands out as the chief reason to join up: getting to ride on the sides of vehicles. Tell me I'm wrong!
  4. Curtis explores Hidden Nerve Gas Hangar and discovers the decaying corpses of several dead rats. So, whatever it is that the terrorists stole, let's get some of that up to Adams Morgan, pronto.
  5. Dude, one of the two Secret Service agents looks like Harry Belafonte! Total shout out to George Bush being the greatest terrorist! Actually, in all seriousness, as much as a dislike the Bush Presidency, he hasn't done the world nearly as much harm as a movie that his daughter starred in, titled If You Could See What I Hear. So worst! Please note: George Bush is slated to exceed the harm done by If You Could See What I Hear in April of this year, so, look for that.
  6. So the big evil guy (who will secretly turn out to be not as big as an even bigger evil guy) appears to be using the set of the Coldplay video "Speed of Sound" as his base of operations.
  7. So, this is the episode where we once again experience the trope of "There's a Mole in the CTU." Only this year, the only way it would be more obvious that it was Spencer Wolf were if he was covered in moles, shown cooking his special Mole sauce, and depicted travelling to work by burrowing underground.
  8. I love how they are calling the fauz-hostage, "The Man In The Yellow Tie". You'd think that in terrorist school, when they teach you how to be a faux-hostage, they tell you things like, "Do not wear any particularly outlandish pieces of clothing." Anyway, shout-out to Curious George's The Man in the Yellow Hat!
  9. Hot Chloe gives Spencer the Wolfmole a patented dose of the O'Brian bipolar charm. He totally deserves it, too. Because he's Moley McMole. He's the weremole. He's a little rat-like, rodentsome man.
  10. Edgar is all Moany McCriesalot as he watches Chloe flit around doing important shit with Jack on one hand and putting Molar Moleman in his place with the other. He wants to know her secrets. Dude, you ask for one night of drunken abandon with Chloe O'Brian, and I guarantee you that you only SCRATCH THE SURFACE of her secrets. Such is her hottness.
  11. Spencer Moledyoldmole goes into thwart Jack mode, and at first, we're thinking: "You've gotta be kidding me!" There's no way this skinny little ass-machine kills Jack! That'd be like checkers killing chess! But as it turns out, he's just being used to open up a means of entry for somebody else to attempt a Jack-whack. What a pussymole.
  12. Connie Britton and her 25 year old teenage son Derek enter the CTU compound. Derek is immediately routed to medical, where people only die. Connie is due to be interrobanged by Awkwardrey Raines, whose thoughts betray such an intense carnality at the prospect of Jack that you'd think she was about to tongue her way out of a soft-serv icecream prison.
  13. Connie: "I accepted [Jack] for who he was." Yes...but that was before he made that awful Japanese energy drink commercial!
  14. Dude: Division Director Samwise and Jack Bauer are so same-paging it this episode that it's a thing beauty. At this rate, Samwise is going to be named Guy From Division Who Came And Was In Charge Of CTU For A Short Time Of the Year.
  15. Jack gets tetchy over Akwardrey interrobanging Connie, and rushes off to intervene. Arriving outside the room, Awkwardrey runs out. Throughout the scene, I describe the interplay between Jack, Connie and Awkwardrey as the Three-Way Facial Kabuki.
  16. Why is it that the people who are asked to guard the CTU facility are dressed like bellhops?
  17. Oh, Hot Chloe. What is it that you saw in Spencer, the Patsy Mole Loser who would dare to thwart Jack? Whatever happened to that nice Lukas Haas character who shared your penchant for awkwardness and computer whizbangery and whose life you saved by begging Jack to help? A fitter match, methinks.
  18. Evelyn, the personal assistant the Martha Logan, may have been unfairly browbeaten in the last episode, but you have to understand, she's a typical Beltway bureaucrat, totally useless and unable to answer a direct question if her life depended on it. I sure hope that something interesting is going to develop with her character at some point, because Joel Surnow--magnificent bastard--usually bangs and then subsequently casts actresses who are a whole lot better looking to fill out the supernumeraries.
  19. Okay, Chloe got totally personal in that interrogation of Spencer. It's a testament to the working relationship she's developed with Bill Buchanan that he didn't chase her out of the room.
  20. Here's this season's Officially Going Nowhere Storyline: FLOTUS on the Lam! Like Kim on the lam, only saggier and less able to escape LA's rampant cougar population.
  21. Well, for everyone playing the "Means by Which Jack Bauer, Efficient Killing Machine, Disposes of his Enemies" Bingo game at home, you can now officially fill in the square marked "Scissors."
  22. "Knifefight in the Infirmary" was at one point a working title for a Mars Volta album. The more you know!
  23. CTU's official medical officer, Doctor Paulson is dead! A). Don't you think that it's only fitting that Doctor Paulson dies considering the horrible health care he's dispensed throughout the years? B). Weren't you half hoping that when news of his death broke throughout CTU, that everyone who worked there took just a minute to stand up at their stations and yell: "His name was Doctor Paulson!" Tyler Durden in effect, yo.
  24. So Spencer Mole, who's got to be cognizant of how lucky he is that he's not dead right now, gives up the White House and Walt "not Related to Alan" Cummings. Of course, we see from next week that Jack and Mike Novick (he of the unluckiest government career in history) are going to get nabbed by the Secret Service. But probably not for long.


nm said...

you might be surprised to find out that the 25-year-old teenage son Derek is played by the 17-year-old Brady Corbet, who co-starred in Mysterious Skin with... wait for it... Mary Lynn Rajskub, better known to us as Chloe.

Kitty921 said...

Riding on the side of an SUV... every little boy's dream...