Wednesday, January 18, 2006

The 24gasm: 8:00am

  1. Truly, 24's commitment to the art of well-rendered previouslies is the industry standard. Absolutely Rabinowitzian in their execution. I wish I could wake up every day to the 24 Previously Screensaver of the Day Before, but then, I mix bourbon with a LOT of narcotics.
  2. As we see Jack's face rendered on the doctored video footage, it's worth a pause to reflect on how far we've come since the Kevin Costner movie No Way Out. Facial recognition software no longer takes two-thirds of a movie to fully resolve. Also, no one is walking around thinking that Sean Young is some kind of movie star anymore. This is progress, people.
  3. Jack makes a point of telling Derek that he doesn't want to have to carry his unconscious body, but what's the big deal? The show's successfully carried the Elisha Cuthbert storylines for years!
  4. Okay--this is important to remember: do not call me in the middle of 24. What, were you raised by wolves or something?
  5. It's understandable that the President's men are concerned about Palmer's assassination and whether the summit is in jeopardy. The larger question is: why isn't the Russian president freaking out? Wouldn't you think he'd be bailing on the summit faster than the Senate Republicans did on Harriet Miers? We're talking about a guy who thinks nothing of bombing the shit out of Grozny whenever he gets a queasy feeling.
  6. I still think that one year, 24 should have, as its season's focus, the day leading up to the CTU Christmas Party. Can Agent Curtis whip up a vegetable dip that accounts for all of Edgar's dizzing array of food allergies? Will someone steer a lonely and drunk Tony Almeida away from flirting with Kim Bauer before Jack goes bareknuckle commando on his ass? And when Spenser accidentally uploads he and Chloe's sex tape to the DoD servers, it'll take every skill CTU has on hand to keep Division from coming down and cracking heads during Secret Santa. Plus: is that a cougar over in Accounts Receivable?!
  7. As Chloe pulls into the underground parking garage, we notice that someone has parked their car diagonally across two spaces. You know, even in a matter of national security, that's a real dick move.
  8. Jack moves freely and unmolested through roving packs of federal agents who should be, ostensibly, on the lookout for him. The lack of attention can only mean one thing: somewhere in the State Department of the 24verse, the Secretary of State has got a memo on her desk that's titled "Jack Bauer Determined to Re-Enter President Palmer's Apartment Building."
  9. Bauer demonstrates to the audience that he is President Palmer's dawg by slowly removing the Sunglasses of Action out of respect when he sees Palmer's corpse. It's a little disturbing to see Sutherland taking his acting cues from David Caruso. If he starts lolling his head limply aorund his neck and speaking solely in his inside voice, I might have to bail.
  10. Derek has a lot of questions, so Chloe helpfully turns into the Exposition Fairy. Right now, only she and Jack are able to account for the larger part of the 24 mythology.
  11. Chloe expositions that Jack has a daughter. According to the IMDB, she'll be showing up between 1 and 2pm, hopefully free of bad hair and cougars. The look on Derek's face suggests: "Gosh. I sure hope I get to bang her!" Not likely. Then again, James Badge Dale isn't anywhere to be found in the credits.
  12. You know, at some point, barring submarined approval ratings or untimely demise, President Logan, who came to power by succession, will actually have to campaign for President. And when he does, some too-cute-for-school journalist will christen the effort "Logan's Run." And that journalist will probably be 24's version of Jim VandeHei, and he'll probably think he's a fucking genius for coming up with the most obvious pun in the world. And you know, Will Saletan over at Slate will resent all the attention VandeHei receives for his facile wit, but what's he gonna do? He works at Slate!
  13. Chloe runs a program to decode the encrypted passage, and right away we see brightly colored shapes bouncing all over the screen. We never thought that CTU would use software applications that were so jaunty and fun! Next thing, we'll find out they use Dora the Explorer brand satellite telemetry.
  14. Edgar and Spenser Gifts for Chloe engage in some light bitchery over "protocols." This is our favorite part of the 24verse--the corporate culture of CTU, where everyone's chippy and snarky and constantly bitching over who has what access code and why someone hasn't sent something to someone else's "screen". If we ever worked in a place like this, we'd be so inside our coworkers' heads that they'd die never knowing where they stopped and the DCeiver began.
  15. Chloe and Derek stare at the door, backed by William Orbit's "Silent Techno Suite For Jack Waiting."
  16. Armed agents flood the parking garage, weapons drawn, ordering Jack to come out in the open. But when Chloe guns the van, no one does a damn thing except yell for them to stop. What did they think they were going to stop them with? Pained expressions? Haughty sighs? "Jack! We have you surrounded! Come out with your hands up or be prepared to live with our disappointment!"
  17. So, Chloe is caught and won't give up anything on Jack. Does this mean they're going to torture Chloe? She'll never crack. Chloe laughs in the face of your weird torture goggles.
  18. Jack tells Derek that he really cares about him, but we don't really believe it. First of all, that haircut of his is a sure sign that he's got no self-respect. Second of all, Derek's gone from being puerile and distant to cloyingly clingy and hopeless in the space of an hour. Jack stopped caring about his own daughter for much less. Jack needs to drop this family like a handful of slaw.
  19. So, you realize, at some point prior to his assassination, President Palmer had this thought process: "Hmmm. I have specific details about an impending attack. What to do, what to do. I've contacts throughout the national security community, of course. People I personally appointed to all manner of positions. And everywhere I go, a bevy of cameras are sure to follow me. Hmmm. So many choices. You know what? I think, just for a change of pace, I'm going to tell Martha Logan. Sure, she's from the opposition party, but on the other hand, she's also batshit crazy and well known for being prone to bizarre outbursts and intense paranoid episodes. That sure sounds like a bulletproof plan to me!"
  20. By the way, if you're joining the 24verse for the first time this year, don't worry. The summit is so not the target. We'll know the target by the end of the episode. And, by the way, that's not the target either. You'll have it picked up by the time you get to Mythology Of 24 201: Joel Surnow, You Magnificent Bastard.
  21. Hey, my fellow local-yokels, riddle me this: don't these fucking DC101 commercials make you want to strangle these morning DJ doods with their own spines! Man alive, you're safely ensconced in your radio coccoon free from worry about what the world at-large thinks of you--why do you want to comes out of your rabbit hole and serve notice that your level of wit is somewhere back in the stupid era? I have a copious memory of the radio scene we grew up with in Washington, and these commercials stir memories of: "B106 is crucial, yo! Splatter-paint style fashions statements rule! Grab your Duron hat and let's roll to Kemp Mill and get that new Def Leppard jawn...Love bites....love bleeeeds..."
  22. Dude, forget what I said when I remarked that Derek had moved from distant to clingy inside of an hour. Now he looks like he could spend hours staring into Kiefer's eyes. Not that I blame him.
  23. How is it that Derek is the only one who notices the totally beyond suspicious site of the terrorists unpacking their truck and purposefully moving into the airport? What do they have at the Ontario airport, special Kiss and Bomb The Shit Out Of Us Lanes?
  24. Better yet, how is it that a man currently being sought on suspicion of assassinating the former President of the United States by every arm of law enforcement in the widest possible dragnet can walk into an airport, flash no identification, and just walk his ass into the deep bowels of the airport without so much as being asked to remove his shoes? Nicew work, TSA.

2 comments:

MJF said...

I can't stomache 24 anymore, but that cracked me up. Love #6.

Robson said...

I have often maintained that a 24 Xmas episode, focusing on Chloe's efforts to put CTU's holiday party together, would be awesome.

"You can't have orange and black streamers for a Christmas party..."

"I'm sorry Ms. O'Brian, but those are the only colors we have left."

(Intense zoom on Chloe, her face a masque of miffed exasperation.)

beep BEEP beep BEEP beep BEEP