Monday, January 23, 2006

The 24gasm: 9:00am

  1. I see that Connie Britton was hired mainly for the convincing way she runs full-tilt into the outstretched arms of varying people who then have to restrain her. So far, she's done that about fifteen times. Seriously, I hope they find something interesting to do with this character -- without giving her amnesia, of course. Last year, we had Shohreh Aghdashloo as the mother in distress, and while it really didn't come across in her scenes on 24, Shohreh is pretty MILFtastic. Everytime she cooed the name "Behrooooozzze" last year, I was building a little House of Sand and Fog in my pants.
  2. "Searching For Chevinsky" sounds like the name of a lost Chekov comedy. How was Jack able to find this guy in a few minutes with him walking around and the terrorists can't locate him even though he's dead?
  3. Samwise Gamgee in the house people! Wife of DCeiver is a little worried that his character is going to be the guy that fucks CTU up, but I have faith. Samwise brings the crazy terror fighting skills that he learned in Toy Soldiers, which, by the way, featured area surly actor Grady Weatherford. Hmmm. Now that we think about it...did Mark Rabinowitz work on that movie, too?
  4. This episode provides a good look at the way shitty President Logan's facile foundation cracks as he descends into fist-banging, juvenile tantrum land. Step One: he's told about the terrorists at the airport, and he squeals "TERR-or-ists?" as if he's a petulant teenager.
  5. Mike Novick officially has the worst fictional government career ever. And I'm including the awful Moira Kelly and her awful character from The West Wing.
  6. Meanwhile, back at the airport, Connie Britton is doing her sprint-into-restraining-arms routine again. "You don't understand! I'm from Spin City! I can't handle this! That kid in there is my son, and he looks ten years older than the age the writers gave him! How did I drive up here so fast? They took a helicopter! Joel Surnow, you magnificent bastard!"
  7. Here's the thing. The terrorists want (that is, they say they want) for President Logan and Russian President Dressing to not sign their historic accord. So, what's stopping them from calling it off, getting the terrorists to stand down, then being all: "Ha! Psych! Super psych! We signed this shit on double secret background in the bathroom of a Starbucks! Suck our bones, terrorist fucks!" Besides, it's really a treaty they are signing I thought, and treaties can't be signed off on until the Senate approves, so this accord is basically all agreed to but the formalities, right?
  8. President Logan approaches breakdown, Step 2: Ol' jowly face won't call of the accord. He won't! He won't! He won't! Neener neener! So CTU had 90 minutes to fix it or he won't be their friend anymore. Geesh. I'd like to see Bill Buchanan snap once and tell everyone in earshot that Logan is the worst President to work for EVER.
  9. I kind of wish that when they make contact with the terrorists for the first time, they start things off by pretending to be Sprint or something: "Excuse me, sir, but are you completely satisfied with your long-distance service?" Who knows? Maybe the guy IS so fed up with his current carrier that he drops a Social or something. At the very least, it's always good to lead with a joke.
  10. Is it that terrorists dress like Eurotrash rejects or do Eurotrash rejects dress like terrorists?
  11. Let's spare a thought for Jack, Connie and her 25 year old teenage son Derek. For Jack, this is another flat-out doomed relationship, isn't it. Especially with the ever-dampening Audrey Raines back at CTU. Dude can't catch a break. Right now, Jack is so cursed, so snakebit, that if he went speeddating, everyone would end up being held hostage or forced to take heroin or there'd be that cougar that threatened Kim scoring higher with the ladies than ol' Keef.
  12. It's worth pointing out, by the way, that this crisis could not have been averted with all the warrantless wiretaps in the world. So bite me, Dick Cheney.
  13. Hey OC fans! How's that new date and time working out for you? How many of you have had to increase your regular dosage of anti-anxiety drugs? It's for a legitimate medical survey.
  14. Oh, Spenser! Don't act like you were more worried about Chloe than Edgar Freaky Styley. If the torch Edgar's carries for Chloe had been used by the Maccabees, it would still be Hanukkah!
  15. Seriously, a 24 version of Jack Bauer speeddating would be a hilarious one-off parody for the next ShoWest or something. "The following takes place during the fifteen minutes I spent having cocktails with Anne-Marie Fletcher, accounts clerk for Capitol Records."
  16. Jack convinces Chloe to engage in some unapproved computer use. Or as they call it CTU, an "off-protocol action." Drop that two-dollar word into your next staff meeting! But Chloe should know by now, Edgar's all-seeing eyes never miss an off-protocol action.
  17. Martha Logan yanks out her right boob to intimidate that security dude into giving her access to the phone records. Nice move. Given President Logan's overall state of chronic pussification, we imagine that Martha could have also freaked the security guy into stunned silence by whipping out her fat and hanging pair of testicles, also.
  18. I love how the Euroterror leader gets all therapeutic with Derek, who's breathing heavily and pumping out the biggest on camera snot bubble since Heather Donahue. "In a simpler time, I was a Belarussian respiratory therapist. But now I must the purge the international pleural membrane of your imperialist pig-dogs! Seriously, though, you could use a strong antihistamine."
  19. You know, you'd think that a guy like Jack would carry a cell phone that doesn't take twenty minutes to "reboot", or, as the entire cell-phone carrying population calls it: "turn on."
  20. President Logan approaches breakdown, Step 3: Oh no they didn't! Someone had to go and tell Logan that Jack Bauer was mixed up in all this. Nothing gives Logey greater palpitations than Bauer. We imagine the President waking up in a cold sweat at night with the night terrors, shouting "Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-Bauer! Buh-buh Bauer!" like he was Fred Flintstone or something.
  21. Freals. A few minutes ago, most of you asked yourself, "Who the fuck is Heather Donahue?" didn't you?
  22. What the hell does it mean for a car to be ranked "number one in initial quality?" That sounds like a fancy way of avoiding the question as to whether a car's quality falls off precipitously once it's driven off the lot. As far as I'm concerned, I think this blog ranks number one in initial quality. And then I start writing for it and everything heads downhill.
  23. I hate it anytime someone says: "I am urging you in the strongest possible terms blah blah blah..." as they do in this episode. That's not urging at all. That's passively appealing to someone's better nature as a means of avoiding having to do any urging. And those really aren't very strong terms at all.
  24. Next on 24: sold out by the President's own advisor, Jack must salvage the situation as Walt's treachery runs against Derek's stupidity in a desperate race to the bottom.

No comments: