"My fellow Americans. As you know, we are at war with a deadly enemy. A whole mess of evildoers. An enemy that presents a constant danger, at least when I need you to support the Patriot Act. And if not, then it's an enemy that we have on the run. Many are on the run in Iraq, the central front in the war on terror. Some are on the run for elected office in the Palestinian territories, apparently. But I don't want to focus on that. Even though it's also an example of democracy on the march. I really didn't like them using the whole blue-tipped finger thing, to be frank. That was my idea. My one idea.
But we are facing a deadly enemy that wants to hit us again. And hit us hard. And as President, I've got to stop all the hitting. We celebrate tonight the confirmation of Justice Ah-leet-toe. He's going to be a powerful ally in the war on terror. Because he's going to let me hit whoever I want, wherever I want, and he's going to let me listen to the private phonecalls of people I'm thinking of hitting. Plus, he loves him some wombs. In a major way. Choosing the right people for the Supreme Court is an important part of my job. At least that's what I heard. Plus, these confirmations are the only legislative victories I've been able to achieve since I got re-elected. So, I've got to get me some more of them.
That's why I want to bring something up with the American people tonight. Tomorrow, in the New York Times, you are going to hear that I have authorized the Department of Homeland Security to administer a dose of rat poison to Justice John Paul Stevens. Now, I know that some of you out there are going to hear this and start asking a whole lot of questions about committing an impeachable offense and saying that I've overreached and bitching about how Justices have lifetime appointments. I'm sure that some of the Democrats are going to be upset. Except for Joe Lieberman. He'll be cool with it. We like to hug and kiss each other. In a purely non-homo way.
But I'm sure that some Senate Democrat--I'm looking at you, Chuckie--is going to be all pissy about the separation of powers and stuff. You see, I'm not a big fan of the separation of powers. I don't think it's right to separate powers. You see, I prefer that powers all be blended into a delicious frappe of executive priviledge. And believe me, the people who appointed themselves to high positions in my White House all agree. You have to remember your history, you see. And while I hear an awful lot about the Constitution, I remember history. I remember a movie called Ghostbusters. And in that movie, the ghostbusters thought it would be bad to cross the streams and combine their powers. But in the end, the only way they could defeat the evildoers were to cross the streams. And they beat those ghosts. Kicked their ghost ass. See, I remember our nation's great history and the outstanding vision of our legendary ghostbusters. Even the black fella who joined the ghostbusters late was cool with the whole crossing the streams thing.
I submit to you, America, that if we had been allowed to cross the streams before 9-11, 9-11 would never have happened. Except, you know, on the calendar. You can't just skip days on the calendar. Believe me, I've tried. Not a day goes by that I don't think, "Damn, when is this Presidency gonna be over! I got brush to clear!"
But I digress. Look. I understand that some people are going to look at my decision to feed Justice Stevens some rat poison and create another empty seat on the court as extreme. I can tell you, though, the idea to poison Justice Stevens comes from people that I trust. I trust them. And they trust me. They wouldn't bring me these great ideas if they didn't trust me. And you know who I trust? I trust the American people. You see? My advisors trust me, and I trust you, therefore, my advisors trust you and you trust them. That's called the Transitive Theory of Equality and that's mathetamatics. That's trigonomentos. Science and stuff. So you can believe that.
Many of you will question, "Is poisoning Justice Stevens the right thing to do?" I believe it is. Remember, I told you that we are at war with an evil enemy, who wants to do all that hitting and bombing and stuff. We are facing a constant threat. And as someone once said: "Loose lips sink ships." Now, I've already given myself the power to make sure I can listen to all the loose lips. I don't want to have sinking ships on my hands. So, I listen to the loose lips. I've got a little room right off the Oval Office. I've got some headphones. And when I'm not listening to my iTunes, I'm listening to the loose lips. I hear what the loose lips are saying. Frankly, I don't like what they are saying one bit. And neither would the American people. Really. You should hear some of the stuff the loose lips are saying about you. You'd be quite offended.
So, thanks to all my wiretaps, I've got the loose lips on lockdown. But, there's something else that the people who say "Loose lips sink ships" say about sinking ships, sunk because of loose lips. And that is: "Rats abandon a sinking ship." Now, you can imagine how this makes me feel. Here I am, barely enough hours in the day to keep track of all the loose lips, and here, over the side of ships, are rats, abandoning it. It makes me mad. It makes me want to say, "Hey. Rats. Go ahead and get off the ship if you want. But at least tell us that the loose lips have sunk this ship. Just hollaback, okay. Tell me there's a hole. I've got cronies that are assigned to fix the hole. You know, just give us a heads up." But those rats never do give you a heads up, and they abandon the ship that's being sunk by loose lips.
So when trusted advisors tell me that we need to give Justice Stevens some rat poison, it just fits right in with my thinking. Rat poison means we have a rat. A rat abandons a sinking ship. And loose lips sink ships. But I say, poisoned rats have tight lips, and tight lips float ships, and floaty ships can carry a lot of oil. Teenage wasteland.
Now, it seems that everytime I try to do something to kill rats or listen to loose lips, someone out there in the media wants to say I've committed a crime and make some big Federal case out of it or something. It doesn't make sense. I'm the one who needs to stop all the rats and the lips, plus all the hurricanes and floods--which, in my defense, at least helped to float some ships. Many of them, far, far inland. We must do whatever it takes.
I've done nothing wrong by poisoning Justice Stevens. And I've repeatedly said, if I was committing a crime, why would I tell Congress? I wouldn't! And, look, I'm telling Congress about what I 'm doing. I'm telling them right now! Look! Congress is right there! Olly olly oxen free! No backsies!
Now, I don't know if this explanation is going to sit well with everyone. I understand that some of you require that my decisions are backed by some sort of Constitutional authority. That's why I've asked my very own Constitutional authority, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, to briefly explain all the legal underpaintings to my decision. Speedy? Go ahead and hit it."
"Uhm. Because the President wants to."
"All right! Thank ya, A-Gon! Now, if that wasn't clear and concise reasonage, then I don't know what is.
Look. I want the American people to know that my decision to feed rat poison to Justice Stevens was not one I took lightly. Nobody wants to have to do these kinds of things, but I have to make the hard decisions. Justice Stevens was a good man, but he's a product of a pre-9/11 world. He was appointed by Ford for Pete's sake, and now, like Ford, I'm laying him off. And in return, we're going to get the American people a Supreme Court that's much more agile in it's ability to respond to terrorist threats by staying out of they way. Try not to think of this as the loss of a Supreme Court Justice, but as a victory in the war on terror.
And if any of you still think that killing Justice Stevens with rat poison wasn't very compassionate, well, the jokes on you, because we used a feeding tube. Good night America, and God Bless 9/11."