Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Six of One and a Half Dozen of the Other

JACK BAUER

1. The return of 24.
When you think about the process we went through to get to the season premiere--months of tease, the slow burning tingle of anticipation, the long weeks of yearning, the sleepless nights wondering if it would ever really happen, the massive investment made in the hopes of delivery, and then the final joyful coming of wholesale satisfaction, you realize that the only comparable experience is the time you have to take if you really want to bang that Mormon girl from Chemistry class.

2. The MLK Day episode of the Boondocks
Aaron MacGruder tells the truth. That's all that needs to be said.

3. The Lulu Titlescorer
You might think I'm disappointed by the fact that the title of my forthcoming autobiography has been deemed to have only a 35.9% chance of success. But Lulu gave the same odds to The DaVinci Code so I think I can bloody well live with it. In the meantime, get me Spielberg!

4. Your ancient car, against all odds, passes its emissions inspection.
Holy crap. How on Earth did that happen.

5. Seasons 1 and 2 of NewsRadio on DVD.
Easily the most underrated sitcom of its era.

6. Why is Ben Roethlisberger so damned good?
Shit, I was ALWAYS on the Big Ben tip. I said he was the best QB in his draft and man was I ever right. How'd I know that? Miami University of Ohio, people. MAC conference. Conference of Cubes. Cradle of Coaches. They train up some first-rate ballers in MAC country. Still, his first year was blazes, but he definitely had shakiness in big games because he never had that reliable big-play bail-out receiver. Now he's eating the playoffs for brunch and the reason why is the Stills reached out for some of that Wahoo flava. Heath Miller, kids. I just watched a montage of Ben highlights on ESPN The Cable Channel and damned if half the balls thrown didn't end up in the hands of Miller. Got news for you people: If you haven't seen Miller this season and thought to yourself "Kellen what? Jeremy who?", then you don't know football. TETS.

BLACK AND DOUR

1. Hillary Clinton
What an unbelievable fucking twit. You know what, though? I wish the House and the Senate were both run like a plantation! As in: my public servants better start doing what the American people tell them to do or we're going to start flogging your bare ass in broad daylight. Hillary wants to be my President? Bring me my cotton then, jerkface!

2. "PopoZao", by Kevin Federline
Have you downloaded this track of pure ass? The damn al-Qaeda videos aren't as culturally crippling as this shit! Seriously, what do you think Federline feels worse about: that Chris Parnell has more skillz on the microphone, or that Parnell owes less in child support?

3. Ray Nagin
You know, there was a time where we understood Ray Nagin. A career Republican and corporate hack who switched parties in order to become Mayor. Clearly, this was a guy who at one point, knew how to pick the winning team while keeping one foot on each side. Now, I listen to the motherfucker and he's talking about conversating with the Holy Ghost and how he wants to open the Race Card Confectionery in the Garden District. Why doesn't he just back the team that's going to win like he always does?

4. The referee in the Indianapolis-Pittsburgh Game
That. Was. An. Interception. I draw the line about six inches short of Joey Porter, who basically called BS and accused the league of cheating for Indy. But one thing is for damned sure: those zeebs mos def pussed out on making a game deciding call. They were clearly grateful that Polamalu's fumble of the fully possessed ball gave them the wiggle room to drag their sorry, mincing, cowardly ass through to make one of the most broke ass calls I have ever seen in my life. A thousand curses for bringing shame to that game.

5. Sorry, Peyton Manning is a punk, too.
In the NFL, you aren't allowed to throw your line under the bus even if its just a little. Repeat: In the NFL, you aren't allowed to throw your line under the bus even if its just a little! First preseason game, I hope his blind-side guard and tackle step aside on the first play and let some hungry free-agent headhunter plant Manning's ass in the ground. But there's always been a little bit of poison in the Manning brothers' game, and it's because they believe their daddy got a Bum Phillips deal and that the world now owes them a G.D. favor and that short of sunshine and accolades, it's always everyone else's fault. Remember that, Indy and Jersey, as those farkakte tools never get you a ring.

6. Last thing I'll say about that game ever I promise.
Clearly, Vanderjagt is triple gone with a side of fries. He should have been a long time ago because he's been hating on players and coach and ownership for YEARS. The Colts kept him around because he's the most accurate kicker in history according to stats. But he is a no-account punk. Ralph Wiley, God rest his soul, ear-tagged Vanderjagt a long time ago, and shame on the Colts for not listening. And before you start in on me, yes, I know John Hall honked a figgie that was just as bad, but I'd take Hall over Vanderjagt in a heartbeat because he's at least up for a little mixing-it-up. He'll jump in a scrum. Don't forget: he got down on that fumble that earned the Skins the opportunity to take that field goal. One week after Easterbrook (or was it Kornheiser?) suggested that kickers come into the game on actual non-kicking plays more often, you saw Hall and Sauerbrun out there laying some playoff wood to their opponents. Vanderjagt...well, he sure did a number on his helmet. He sho nuff earned that unsportsmanlike conduct penalty like a man.

5 comments:

DCepticon said...

The title "If I Hated You You Would be Dead Already" has a 63.7% chance of being a bestselling title!

nick said...

You're kidding me with the Hillary thing, right? Load of crap, it is.

The Deceiver said...

No, the truth is, Hillary is kidding you with the plantation thing.

nick said...

No, the truth is, plantations are kidding you with the Hillary thing. (Chew on that, smart guy. :)

Enjoy your blog.

The Deceiver said...

Pish. It's pretty clear that I'm among the few not being kidded.