Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Snakes On A Plane, Revealed!

"Let me make a few things clear. I'm a Federal agent. I'm heavily armed. And if I see that Eugene Levy motherfucker up in this bitch I am gonna pop a cap in every last piece of ass I see. That goes double if any of you bring up Sphere."

Dude: 'Sup, babe. Damn, I'd sure like to get my your plane, if you know what I mean.

Stewardess: Huh? My plane?

Dude: Yeah. I was using it as a euphemism. You feeling me?

Stewardess: That's a pretty stupid euphemism. *sigh* I suppose that by "snake" you mean your cock, right?

Dude: Woah, no! No. That would constitute an inappropriate sexual advance!

Stewardess: Then what do you mean?

Dude: Look, all's I'm saying is that I would really like to take my pet garter snake and put him inside your vagina.

"DAYUM! This is some motherfucking INCONGRUOUS shit right here!"

"Man, it looks like I totally picked the wrong day to play freeze tag on an airplane!"

"Wow. Uhm, thanks. You know, I would have maybe just, you know, moved the snake. But...uhh, yeah. Yeah. Tasering my crotch. That, uhm, really seemed to do the trick there."

Stewardess: You idiot! When the passengers on flight 93 said, "Let's roll!", it was just a figure of speech!

Dude: Baby, you KNOW I gotta problem with metaphors!

"Bitch, you and the Writer's Guild of America can kiss my black ass! Now start pumping out some rewrites or I'm about open up a can of Alan Motherfuckin' Smithee all over your meticulously stored files!"


Anonymous said...

Gosh, so bummed I didn't get the job on THAT one...'cuz I need another complete and utter bomb on my resume....

The Governess said...


seriously, opening night. me. there.

Ed said...

1982 -- "Venom" -- a malicious snake gets loose in a London townhouse and lets loose havoc. I must have seen it on the WGN Sunday Matinee or something. TERRIBLE movie but, all the same, for a long time I couldn't crawl into bed without checking under the covers for vipers.

The Deceiver said...

The Governess and I should liveblog Snakes on a Plane on opening night.

The Governess said...

This is a fabulous idea. We shall set plans in motion. Release date is August 18, 06; or so says the Internets. If it is not here in DC on the night of the 18th, I may picket.

nm said...

you know, i had completely forgotten that i saw the trailer for this movie, and you had to go and bring back the painful memories i had been fortunate enough to block out!

Robson said...

You know, I was feeling no love for this movie. Even the images didn't grab me (though the captions amused). But I finally looked this thing up on imdb and this credit:

Directed by David R. Ellis

got me excited.

This man directed FINAL DESTINATION 2 (or RUPE GOLDBERG'S GHOST IS GONNA GET YOUR ASS). More crucially, he directed CELLULAR, one of the more criminally undervalued films of 2004.

I'm on board, now.

Anonymous said...

I just read your Lost recap and i must say, the Single Guy denunciation was totally awesome.
Cant wait for the next one.