Monday, February 13, 2006

The 24gasm: 1:00pm-2:00pm

  1. Walt Cummings needs to shut up about being "a patriot." How come these fucks only declaim their intense patriotude when they are caught doing shit that a) they'd never get public consensus for b) breaks multiple laws and c) promises empty-headed quick fixes to things. The rest of the time, they're living fat off the taxpayer dime with the soft womanly hands of a person who's never worked a hard day in their life.
  2. Walt Cummings makes the strong case for being pro-animal/human hybrids, if only so we could feed people like him to packs of rabid, sodomizing dog-men.
  3. President Logan finally gets on the Jack Bandwagon, causing me to remark to Wife Of DCeiver: "Finally the man steps up to Flavor Country with the rest of us!"
  4. We finally meet this season's Mega-Distraction: Agent Samwise's Crack Sister. She's all meth-head meets Til Tuesday era Aimee Mann meets Amanda Plummer. I'm sorry, but there's no way this woman walks down the streets of LA without advance men from A&E's Intervention signing them up on the spot.
  5. Who the fuck is this Rossler guy? The terrorist help desk?
  6. Audrey is the next to use this specific cliche: "I'll make sure you're apprised in real time." What the fuck does that even mean?
  7. Edgar's all mad that CTU is reinstating Spencer because he's a big old Napstery style hacker who hasn't committed treason and yet he still can't win the affections of Chloe. You just know that when CTU isn't at some sort of "DEFCON: Holy Fucking SHIT!" level of activity, Edgar's naked torch-carrying is more pathetically indecisive then the standard Tim and Dawn wishy-wash from The Office.
  8. They're sending Audrey to fetch Kim, and bring her back to CTU. Does that sound like a logical assignment to give a heavily connected Department of Defense operative during a time of crisis? It's clearly meant to build up that nuclear family surrogate for Jack to rescue from peril later. Well, if Audrey can ensure that Kim will sport a decent looking coiffure for this season, maybe the interests of national security are served.
  9. What if this auto mechanic didn't have a precision cutting tool for the terrorists to use? "Oh! Well, we're sorry to have wasted your time in such a specifically suspicious manner."
  10. As much as I admire Martha Logan for her cunning use of her bra and her no nonsense approach to make-up removal, and as much as I appreciate the fact that President Logan is now fully onboard the Jack train, I can't for the life of me imagine a time at which the two of them ever made "a good team." Drippy and Crazy.
  11. I think that everytime President Logan has a scene, it should end with someone slapping him in the face.
  12. "The only thing the public won't forgive is being lied to." I used to think that allowing scores of people to die in preventable floods was something that wouldn't be forgiven, but now I know better.
  13. I don't know about you, but deep down, I sort of miss Marwan. This group of terrorists-- the Eurotrash rejects who took the airport, the man in the yellow tie, the help desk guy, the weird man with the big head sitting on the set of Coldplay's "Speed of Sound" video--they just aren't doing it for me. According to sources, Julian Sands is ultimately supposed to be revealed as this season's Big Bad--but I worry that even he will lack Marwan's singular charisma and his square-jawed way of doing business. Marwan was easily the Jay-Z of 24 baddies.
  14. So didn't Garage Dude say he was alone because everybody else was away at lunch? How's he supposed to finish cutting all those canisters? How long a lunch do LA mechanics take? Ahh, they're probably all off pitching screenplays.
  15. Terrorist Help Desk Employee Rossler has some underaged and malnourished girl, probably named Fyona Applyevna, in his custody. I've met many women from Russia, none of whom had that cliched, "mail-order bride" look--with the sunken eyes and heroin-abuser weight and that thin glaze of "from the bowels of the Eastern Europe" sweat shining dutifully against their clammy-looking skin. However, while the Russian women I have known never look like Fiona, they ALL exhibit one of her other traits, which we'll see soon enough.
  16. Garage dude works dutifully for the terrorists. Didn't he catch Flight 93 on TNT? You're supposed to fight the terrorists, even if they are promising you that you "aren't their enemy" and they "won't hurt you" and that this is all a fight to bring about "the end of tyranny." Do you really think the end of tyranny is going to kick off at some anonymous auto repair shop in the Valley? OK, maybe it will...but not when everybody's out for lunch!
  17. You have to imagine Audrey, listening to Jack threaten Help Desk dude with his typically awesome palette of torture technique, can only in this moment think to herself: "Now, this, right here, is the man I fell in love with."
  18. So the Help Desk wants immunity. They always want immunity. We don't negotiate with terrorists, but we have some fabulous parting gifts for anyone who helps them and gets caught.
  19. Boom! Spencer's off the case now, leaving Edgar with a clear shot at Chloe's twisted heart. Guess Mole, Jr. is just Spencer: For Hire, now.
  20. OK. We all know that Mike Novick killed Walt the Mole and made it look like he hanged himself, right? Cause he totally did. Mike Novick just doesn't need this shit.
  21. Let's make a pact: this Taco Bell "good to go!" guy is going to die at our hands. Agreed?
  22. And so, the short and unhappy life of Garage Dude comes to an end. I have to say, though, I appreciate the fact that the Man In The Yellow Tie said "Good job" before he killed him. I mean, it's considerate that he thought to give him that last little bit of positive reinforcement. The last thing I'll probably hear before I die is someone saying: "Whoops!"
  23. Remember that trait that I said Fiona Applyevna shared with every single Russian woman I've ever known? Here it is: the mortifying tendency to freak out beyond all proportion and do something incredibly stupid in a moment of pique. That's just how they roll.
  24. And so Rossler is dead with the Man in the Yellow Tie bound to call back at any moment. CTU better summon Bill Hader, stat.


nm said...

hey, i do not have the mortifying tendency to freak out beyond all proportion and do something incredibly stupid in a moment of pique! i do incredibly stupid things regardless of moment of pique, thank you very much.

The Deceiver said...


Don't get me started on Bulgarians.

nm said...

damn bulgarians.