Monday, February 06, 2006

The 24gasm: 12:00pm-1:00pm

  1. Could Skating With Celebrities be the most awkward possible lead in to 24 ever? Here we have a show with dumb c-list bitches whose lack of skating proficiency is only matched by their inability to add and subtract. Kelly Swanson in particular looks as if her compulsory routine has something to do with Zoloft and Triple Sec. Many shows like to retain their lead-in, but we imagine that Joel Surnow isn't happy until every single Skating With Celebrities has been forced to switch channels.
  2. When Jack says that Mike Novick is not a part of any criminal conspiracy, CTU should, and does listen. If anyone's in the position to know just what a sad sack putz Novick is, it's Jack. Though we realize that Novick, like Chloe and only a few others, has a full appreciation for the Jackology. At least Novick has some memoir, like Jack Bauer is a Musky Voiced Killing Machine to fall back on.
  3. I love how Samwise and Jack interact at the top of this 'sode. Very much a scene of two men, allowing one another to heft their dicks for weight, and, having done so, walking away with mutual respect for one another. Nothing beats a good dick hefting scene.
  4. As the terrorists drive the nerve gas, the camera peeps downward for a momentary shoutout to a sponsor, lingering lovingly on the steering wheel, whose center bears the Peterbilt name. So, remember, when you need a vehicle to carry out a deadly mission intended to bring democracy to its knees, think Peterbilt.
  5. So, I scoffed at the nerve gas before--thinking it rather prosaic after all these seasons of 24. Now I've developed a healthy respect for it, seeing as it turns a man's insides to Pepto-Bismol.
  6. In the world we know, we often say: "Tis better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all." The version we use for the 24verse is: "Tis better to have loved and had your heart broken by Jack Bauer, than to have had your face broken by Jack Bauer, love notwithstanding."
  7. It looks like this is shaping up for Stoic Secret Service Agent Aaron to have a moment to shine in this episode. After finding Martha Logan hiding in a stable (?!)--good plan, there, crazy lady, by the way--he seems troubled by her comments. Nevertheless, he still hands Ms. Logan over to the Secret Service agent who looks like Harry Belafonte and his partner.
  8. After christening one of the factions on Lost the "Evil Stevedores", it's exciting to see actual evil stevedores show up once again here on 24. I'd say it's a total shout-out to me, except that it's really a total shout-out to Season 2 of The Wire, which, I think has done more to advance the cause of evil stevedoredom than just about any cultural referent of the past twenty years. It's worth noting, though, that not all stevedores are evil. That's a stereotype. In fact, many, many stevedores are actually very chaotic neutral. The more you know.
  9. Connie and Awkwardrey step into CTU's federally funded glass case of emotion to officially have it out over Jack, but I'm going to stop just short of suggesting that they are having some sort of clit-off akin to Jack and Samwise's cock-hefting powwow. That's just not how ladies roll.
  10. Jack says that he's not going back to Diane. The guy just can't live his life inside a John Mellencamp song, man.
  11. President Logan says that there can't be any leaks about the canisters of nerve gas. Yeah. I'll say. Nerve gas and leaks don't exactly go well together.
  12. Holy shit. Tell me that Walt Cummings the Mole's crazy ass plot doesn't make even the neocons look like trifling pussies! Joel Surnow airs his party's dirty laundry, drags them through the mud, and makes them look like hopeless pretenders at the same time! That is why, year after year, Joel Surnow is a Magnificent Bastard.
  13. You know, Jack never goes anywhere without that little telescope thingy!
  14. Oooh! Buchanan and Samwise whip 'em out again in the same fashion that Jack and Samwise did earlier, only this time, Buchanan out-cocks him. The secret weapon to beating Samwise down: reminding him that his name is Lynn.
  15. God, Evelyn continues in this episode to be the worst government staffer EVER. I mean, try to show a little empathy! She's worse than even Jessica Cutler.
  16. You got to love this little tete-a-tete between Jack and Aaron: "Look, Aaron. I'm an efficient killing're an efficient killing machine..."
  17. Okay, it's official: this scene where Jack and Aaron bumrush the conference room and threaten to stab Walt Cummings the Mole's eye out as President Logan looks on in sheer animal terror is the best scene in the history of the show!
  18. Remember people: when the President is wrong his authority isn't enough to make him right.
  19. Aaron and Jack hand over their badges and turn themselves in for disobeying a direct order from the President! That's the rule of law in action, right there, kids. Break the law if you think that doing so is the only way to protect the country, but man up and offer to face your lumps afterward. That's the way it should be done, people. Are you listening Mr. Bush? Is you snorin' in my class? Mr. Bush! Wake up Mr. Bush!
  20. I just saw a commercial where Debra Burlingame, apparently the widow of one of the pilots who died on 9-11, is insisting that a) only the Patriot Act has kept us safe since 9-11, b) the Patriot Act would have prevented 9-11, and she asks our representatives c) "If you don't pass the Patriot Act and another attack happens, what will you tell your constituents then?" Let's pause briefly so I can beat Debra Burlingame down: "Debra? Hi. DCeiver here. In the first place, the President tells us one day that ONLY THE PATRIOT ACT CAN SAVE US, and then, when his fortunes are flying in a different direction, he tells us that an ATTACK IS INEVITABLE AND ONLY ELECTING HIM CAN SAVE US. Which is it, Debra? Try thinking it through before you open your widowhole again! Second, why don't you listen to the testimony offered in the 9-11 hearings. It's pretty clear, based upon what Richard Clarke told us, and what Secretary Rice told us, that the reason 9-11 happened is because the various agencies are two busy playing territorial pissing contests with each other to save our ass. They play childish games with the way intelligence is given credence. They sit on memos and pass along others depending on whose career gets forwarded. You have one agency who thinks another is a gaggle of lesser minded careerists and vice versa, and so no one talks to each other. THIS IS HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA CASTE SYSTEM B.S. and the exact SAME SHIT went down when Katrina happened. The only law that will save is from 9-11 is a law that makes sticking one's thumb up one's ass on the taxpayer dime punishable by death. Finally, what do I think that people in Congress are going to tell their constituents the next time Americans die in a terrorist attack? Duh, Debra. Fucking DUH, Debra. They'll tell them the EXACT SAME THING they did when they let Americans die the time before! It worked like a charm once, why shouldn't it work again? Now, Debra, why don't you sit down and STFU and go back to doing whatever you do, and don't forget to account for your thirty pieces of silver when it comes time to fill out your 1040. Christ. This shit is just too easy.
  21. President Logan tries to make nice with the wife, but she's all: "You didn't believe me! Your own wife! Your life partner!" Yeah, well, in President Logan's defense, you are batshit crazy, remember.
  22. Back at CTU, Edgar gets all Napstery, unleashing some anti-terror hack goodness. But it fails to impress Chloe, so what's the point.
  23. Don't you just love the crestfallen look on Walt's face when he realizes he's been tricked by the terrorists he was tricking? The moment practically calls out for "Nice going, douchebag." But what's more important is that in the 24verse, when you insist that you know where weapons of mass destruction are and there turn out not to be any, people don't just blithely forgive you.
  24. And right on time, comes the terrorist call. It's a beautiful piece of telephonic prescience. They've had their nerve gas for a quarter hour or so but waited to call until just the perfect moment. Anyway, congratulations. We've made it though the first threat escalation of this season. On to the next level--but be warned, it's over the next section of story that all the traditional wack-ass sidetracks happen.

1 comment:

Castor OiL said...

For a week now I have been using "YOU'VE READ MY FILE" along with the omnipresent threat of the iron fist of discipline to keep order in the house.
Sure none of the girls have any idea what I'm talking about but the Bauer leer, it gets the point across.