Monday, February 27, 2006

The 24gasm: 3:00-4:00pm

  1. People: So sorry for the lateness of recaps. Now later than ever. The following took place between last Monday and today. 24. Lost notebook with 24 and Lost notes. Couldn't find it. Finally found it. Live rock show. Live rock show. Great party celebrating the end of Castle Fun Fun, where this very blog was born. Recovery. Too much in the way. So today, 24, tomorrow Lost.
  2. We welcome Julian Sands, not only to the storied panoply of 24 villains, but also to the grand traditions of international, non-British bad guys who inexplicably speak the Queen's tongue as if he graduated from Cambridge. He's like the James Bond of Chechnya.
  3. The unimaginable badness of President Logan continues throughout this episode. He dispenses a well-earned tongue-lashing, but he can't help sounding like a Grade-A pussy doing so. And yet, I'm still on the fence as to whether I still wouldn't swap him out for Bush if I had the chance.
  4. "Jack Bauer can be discplined later!" Yeah, my ass he can!
  5. Suddenly the terrorists are scrambling to "Get Nathanson!" Who the hell is Nathanson? Oh! That's Nathanson? Oh! That's the dude that Helen Hayes Award Winning stage actor Geraint Wyn Davies is playing! Did we know his name was Nathanson? Okay. We're cool with it.
  6. I love the way the people who write 24 use moment-for-moment counterpoint to stoke the ebb and flow of the drama. Moments before Jack kicks his ass--and with us, the audience, fully aware that the beatdown-between-friends is about to happen, Curtis takes a moment to sincerely offer Jack his hopes that he and Audrey have a clean chance at making their relationship work. So sweet! Here's Jack's efficient killer buddy, making a heartfelt love connection! And moments later, Jack has him in a sleeper hold. Brilliant.
  7. And, hey, Curtis! Don't fight it! Just lose yourself in the velvety, erotic embrace of Bauer!
  8. Agent Samwise has taken one dip in the shallow pool of his personal life and has quickly disintegrated into a paranoid dork, and everyone is breaking their necks to be the latest and best person to stab him in the back. And I bet you can't wait for the pending drama over his stolen keycard to play itself out. That'll be an intense five minutes or so, sure to impact matters around, say, midnight.
  9. Getting rid of Audrey's phone records was perhaps the least elegant deletion of data in the history of 24.
  10. Wait! President Logan's summit with the Russian president is going to have closing remarks? I thought the treaty was signed and over! What's been going on since the signing? Modern dance exhibitions? An Up With People show? Did Bono finally finish reading the names of the 9-11 victims left off during the Super Bowl three years ago? And what are they going to say during their closing remarks? "Gosh, three hours after signing the document, we still feel really good about it!"
  11. President Logan whisperwhines, "I'm not going to talk to a terrorist!" So grammar school: "I'm not talking to him! He's all corroded and shit!" Remember when we were so young, so awkward, and yet had the word "corroded" in our vocabulary? Good times.
  12. By the way, our 24 viewings at the DCeiver household, which always commence with the celebratory yawping at the announcement at the coming scenes of graphic violence, are pretty much at this point unofficially sponsored by Elevation Burger. Good people can debate who has the best burger in the metropolitan area, but our official take is: Five Guys can suck it.
  13. "Doesn't Audrey have a history with Bauer?" Yes, Agent Samwise, and if you had been reading Audrey's LiveJournal all this time, you'd know that it was very sexually awkward and marked by her questioning whether Jack would ever love her as much as he loved electrocuting the genitals of enemies foreign and domestic.
  14. Samwise is freaking out! "I want to know everyone's hidden agendas!" Jesus. If we had to explain the hidden agendas of everyone who just worked at CTU, we'd have to call this show 43.
  15. So Chloe is now "working up a protocol" for Jack in secret. That means we should be mere moments away from someone noticing and remarking: "Chloe, why are you using so much of our system resources!" After all these years, CTU still hasn't upgraded their system resources. I mean, get a BladeCenter or something, people.
  16. So, I've been watching these commercials for Ultraviolet and I'm having a hard time trying to determine whether the movie is a bald rip-off of Aeon Flux or V For Vendetta. If you have definitive thoughts on the matter, send them our way. In the meantime, I think we can safely conclude that the movie will a) suck bilge and b) have an awesomely dope trip-hop soundtrack.
  17. Did anyone catch the saucy way Audrey licked her lip when she looked at Chloe? Hot.
  18. Agent Samwise is having a total meltdown now. I flashback to the very first season of 24, when Jack tranquilized his boss because he thought he couldn't trust him, and it saddens me that this tactic hasn't become SOP at CTU by now. CTU hasn't learned anything from Jack's exploits. They still question him. They still send too few agents to offsite missions. They've never successfully snared a bad guy in one of their dragnets. They always arrest Jack at the very moment they should be letting him riff. They still allow too many moles into CTU. And they don't just anesthetize the division director when he gets cranky. By contrast, I have taken all these important lessons to heart. You won't see me getting ambushed when I'm out digging through files at McClennan-Forster.
  19. Fox News tells us that a common household ingredient may be making us all deathly ill. Naturally they'll wait another half-hour to tell us. Personally, I think that if someone gets sick or hurt from something the late news teases on the air, the news shouldn't get a liability shield. Would it have killed them to just say: "Holy shit people! Stop eating parsnips if you value your life! We'll tell you why at eleven. In the meantime, seriously, lay off the parsnips!"
  20. God. We were worried about Martha Logan being crazy. President Logan's decision to essentially look the other way and hope that the visiting Russian president and his wife manage to avoid getting murdered is INSANE, founded upon the stupidest rationalizations ever. I love how he says it was a "difficult" decision, a term that usually gets used when one actually makes the correct decision between two tough choices. As it stands, he's actually made an easy decision and an unconscionable one.
  21. And look: the Russian president and his wife are being unusually lovey-dovey. They are like Comrade and Ms. Congeniality.
  22. So, I know that on the surface, it looks like Kim Bauer didn't make her IMDB-promised appearance in this episode. But when Julian Sands drew that "X" on the map and said "That's where we'll make the attack," I couldn't help thinking: "Right where that X intersects--that is exactly where Kim is at this moment."
  23. Martha Logan boldly gets into the doomed car--but she takes Secret Service Agent Aaron with her! Aaron can't be killed, can he? He's supposed to be immune from death! When the 24verse is reduced to rubble, Aaron's supposed to be among the survivors, right? He's supposed to, like, be The Postman and shit, riding from town to town delivering mail and justice and stories of the great Jack Bauer and how sexily and deathily he defended our freedoms, right?
  24. Also, Julian Sands is watching the motorcade leave. Didn't he just see Martha Logan and immortal Aaron get in the car?

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