Wednesday, February 01, 2006

George Bush: Our Last Line of Defense Against the Coming of the Centaurs

You know you've reached some new and confusing place in American politics when the President of your own United States declares that he will not stand back and let our nation be overtaken by human-animal hybrids. This is full-on lunatic babbling, people. It makes the steroid injection of his last SOTU look merely stupid. It immediately makes someone like Alan Keyes look like a solon in comparison. And, to the everlasting despair of Pennsylvanians, it probably foresees the signature issue Rick Santorum will be running on this year.

That Bush should bring up such a deeply weird idea boggles the mind. Has he been tapping the phones of bad Sci-Fi network screenwriters? As far as I can tell, the last time the idea of animal-human hybridization entered the political zeitgeist, it came from one of Bush's most beloved constituents, wacked-out anti-abortion zealot Neal Horsley, who took to the Hannity and Colmes show to skewer the out-of-touch pointy-heads in America's ivory towers:

ALAN COLMES: "Is it true?"

HORSLEY: "Hey, Alan, if you want to accuse me of having sex when I was a fool, I did everything that crossed my mind that looked like I..."

AC: "You had sex with animals?"

NH: "Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."

AC: "I'm not so sure that that is so."

NH: "You didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?"

AC: "Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?"

NH: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life on the farm..."
He went on to add that "if it's warm and it's damp and it vibrates, you might have sex with it." If this is indeed, the sexual inclination of Middle America--and I have no doubt at all that it is--I'd have to criticize President Bush for not harnessing this societal force to serve a greater good. Imagine if the future armies of America were made up of centaurs and satyrs and cat people! I think that would be more than enough to scare the poopie out of Wahhabist regimes worldwide. And the added benefit of our animal-human military is that the Cindy Sheehans of the future wouldn't have to be arrested when a sack of oats or a length of yarn can serve as a sufficient distraction.

UPDATE: Could this have been the source of President Bush's worry? Because after looking at it, it sure as fuck has become the source of my own.

1 comment:

Ed said...

I, for one, welcome our new centaur overlords.