Friday, February 03, 2006

Mr. President: Your Lights Are On, But You're Not Home

You know, the State of the Union wasn't all about dire warnings of the coming hordes of animal-human hybrids and positions of unbelievable controversy such as "Freedom is good. Goodness is good. Not goodness is not good." This was the SOTU where President Bush just, you knew, blew our frickin' minds by diagnosing the nation with an addiction to oil. A funny thing to say in front of a body that is full of people who are addicted to Abramoffiana, sure. But that's the President's position--we're a bad, bad nation! We took his post-911 cries to consume until we were blue in the face too seriously and now look at us! Strung out oil junkies, rockin' it Requiem For a Dream stizz, in need of an intervention. I bet a lot of you out there are so remorseful for your oil addiction that you're saying to yourselves, "Mercy me! I have misbehaved! There's no way I deserved the President's generous tax cut." But take heart, America! Most of you didn't get one in the first place.

Of course, Commander Cuckoo Bananas' solution is two fold. First, eliminate our dependency on oil from that nasty Middle East! Of course, we only get a fraction of our oil from the Middle East in the first place. Yes, America, your automobiles run mainly on a delicate cocktail of Molson Golden and Tijuana Tea, so swearing off oil from the Middle East is a lot like a career drunk giving up Drambuie. And anyone who thinks that America simply pulling its hand from the region is going to make the world a wonderful place for all people would be well served to clock the Loop's map here, and consider the fact that while nature abhors a vaccuum, Europe and Japan will straight up fuck a vaccuum up.

So if you're serious about ending your oil addiction (and I've got a dipshit Senator from Alaska in an Incredible Hulk tie willing to bet that you're not), you gotta make with the detox, or at least start mining for methadone. It's possible, of course, that Bush was honestly alluding to this when he said: "The best way to break this addiction is through technology."

Hell, Mr. President, I've been waiting for you to rekindle the American spirit of innovation and ingenuity for years! Get us focused on the future, the entire nation on the same page! Here's a hint: it would have been a great thing if you had figured this out on the day the entire country was out in the streets, defiant in the face of adversity, singing and cheering at firefighters rolling down West Broadway. I'm just sayin'.

But, I gotta tell you, Mr. President, you don't have a great track record when it comes to championing innovation -- Manimals notwithstanding -- if you know what I mean. Hey, Rock Creek Rambler, can I hit up yr boy Chris Mooney for an amen? I bet I can. For you, Mr. President, it seems like technology involves a lot of prayer rugs and beads and pieces of the Turin Shroud and laying on hands with James Dobson and curing menstruation by re-enacting the Stations of the Cross. Sweet zombie Aslan, that seems to be all you got to offer--well, that and firing any government scientist who can't fit Karl Rove's talking points inside their unified field theorem.

Of course, if Jesus could send you a memo, it would probably read: "Hey, dipshit! What about the motherfucking SUN baby? My Dad didn't create that because His doctor prescribed it, you know? Is the goshdarned SUN not complicated and cool enough for you?" Ahh, but as they say, God helps those who aren't complete yammering retards.

So where will you get the energy from, Mr. President? Oooh, I know! Maybe from the friction generated by Marine Staff Sergeant Dan Clay, spinning in his grave!


PK said...

You're missing the absolute funniest part of his speech: His solutions are coal and "nucyuler" power. Cause you know, both of those are like totally clean, with no potentially bad side effects whatsoever. TECHNOLOGY, baby.

A. L. Deviant said...

I didn't see the speech, but did the words "coal gassification" cross his lips? If so, that might have been nearly as funny as "nucyuler."

And lets not forget the four winds. Man, who doesn't love a windmill? Hell, I grew up on Windmill Lane. Talk about a place called Hope...

He also neglected tidal energy and the healing power of Jesus.