Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Yard of Blonde Newscasters

Jack Shafer offers readers of Slate the most puzzling use of their bandwidth, since their seventeen part series, "Meth: Gosh, We're Really Worried About This Stuff", in a feature called "The Aryan Sisterhood" which just blows the lid off a previously unknown and never-remarked upon phenommenon: people love to put blondes on television. And those blondes? Apparently they enjoy some degree of popular favor!

Better yet, it's a photo essay, and Shafer is no doubt counting on the whole "picture" being worth "a thousand words" to satisfy his word-count.

"Halos of honeydew yellow, strident gold, and silver birch radiate on the morning news shows, the afternoon gab slots, the business news on CNBC, prime time, and the overnight newsreader desks," says Shafer, as that doughy profiterole with the voice of a Rust Belt pipefitter, Rita Cosby, stares back, mouth agape. "Silver birch?" What is that? The color of your new Audi?

"If you do the math, it's clear that many female newscasters lie about their true hair color every time they appear on television." WHAT?! But...but...this is madness, Jack...MADNESS!! It CAN'T BE!

[from the molten depths of Isengard crawls Andrea Mitchell]

"The disturbing suggestion here is that men who watch lots and lots of TV news are cruising for vigorous virtual mates at the same time they're grazing for news." Well, it's certainly disturbing that someone suggested it.

Well, that's certainly a question well worth the full force of our philosophical consideration, isn't it? Though I bet you that the real prickly question is probably, "Why do we find 'Campbell Browns' more credible than 'Campbell Brownsteins?'"

SHAFER: "Someday we'll look back at the chemical blonding of hundreds of newscasters as a torture on the order of foot-binding in China."

Hmmm. Yeah, I'm gonna have to bet you a million billion dollars that we totally won't!

SHAFER: "How big are Fox lips? When Rita Cosby switched from Fox to MSNBC, a construction crane was called in to move hers, which resemble a pair of oily, red eels mating angrily."

Okay, you see right there? Now THAT'S good! Go back, and do a nine page photo essay on Fox lips, Jack. It's so obvious that's where your story was all along.

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