Monday, March 20, 2006

The 24gasm: What we missed part deux

All hail the keycared carrying terrorist--the true star of the 6-7pm episode. He's poised to deliver the final blow to Agent Samwise's career. He's offed the two least likeable and least useful characters--Samwise sister and druggie bf. He's marching into the plot headstrong and undeterred by the fact that his very ending up with the keycard is an epochal plot implausibility. I even like the way he KICKED the gate he walks through at the beginning of the ep. He's not the type to just WALK THROUGH a gate. He's got to kick that motherfucker--so vast is his terrorist rage! That hinge felt the anger and disaffection of every Soviet republic!

Back at CTU, Bill Buchanan is planning the tell-all book that will define his career as Kim shows up--the harbinger of total doom. She shows up with C. Thomas Howell as some clinical psychologist fuck who is WAAAAAY outta her league. Clearly, the nature and order of the universe is in disarray. Some nimrod VP is trying to convince President No Spine to order martial law--you know, JUST CUZ! Things are truly headed down the crapper for our noble heroes.

Meanwhile, the Red Shirt guys are just letting Keycard Terrorist into CTU. How is it that on a day where multiple threatdowns have already transpired that the Red Shirts are letting in some dude they've never even met. Here's some basic security procedures I'd implement. 1) Talk to the guy. 2) Notice his Russian accent. 3) Search his bag, maybe, for a canister of nerve gas. 4) Ask him some questions, like: "What's with the accent?" or "What's with the nerve gas?" or "Hey, I've never ever ever seen you before?"

Jack brings Robocop back to CTU to give him the old multiple injections of whosit torture that CTU specializes in, and runs into Kim. Right away, we're thinking a) how long before he kills clinical psychologist dude and b) what's with all these shows having characters that are clinical psychologists? Tony Almeida is awake and walking around despite those horrible, life-threatening SCRAPES ON HIS FACE. And Edgar Stiles watches as Carrie leaves her station to go to her doom down in the CTU basement. Poor thing, she was better off fired!

Soon, everything goes batshit, and as you know, the gas gets released, sending everyone we care about to conveniently placed sealed room where the gas cannot penetrate. Except someone seems to be missing. Uh oh, it's the gentle giant of interpersonal annoyance, Edgar. Doomed by CTU's bureaucratic incompetence, he'll never live to see the season I'm writing about the CTU Christmas party. And he was going to figure prominently--let's just say it involved Jagermeister, Chloe, and the copy machine. Poor Edgar. May his trip to heaven be on gossamer wings, to sit by the right hand side of CTU Jesus, and send Him satellite intel to his screen forever.

1 comment:

Divine Ms. K said...

Why is the "terrorists get the keycard" bit so implausible (among the veritable RAFT of implausibilities in this show)? Presumably even the most garden-variety terrorist is going to do a bit of background-checking of the principals at the place he's planning to attack... finding a convenient cokehead sister and deadbeat BF is like free candy. All they need to do is pay the deadbeat BF to rob Tricksy Lynn, and quicker than you can say "Precious" they've got the keycard. If you need plot implausibilities, how about someone like Lynn McGill getting a high enough clearance to hold that job, given the aforementioned crackhead sister?